Archive for the 'the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs' Category

Shaking out the cobwebs

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Anonymous Coworker
on March 24, 2008 @ 9:17 am
in Mrs. ACW, POS Tercel, meta blogging, money, school, suhmuhmuh bitch and the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs
. 13 Comments

Things are busy around here, so I don’t really have a lot of “teh funny” that you’ve come to expect from other websites, or “teh mediocrity” that you’ve come to expect from mine. I should really look into what it means when my goal is mediocrity and I am still constantly under-performing. Eh, maybe some other time.

Anyway, the three big things holding me up right now are:

1) Schoolwork. I’ve added a thesis-level paper to my workload for the the semester, because I have to complete it before I graduate, and the work I already had for this semester was pretty light so I figured, “What the heck?” The heck is, school work now owns my free time.

2) Sherlock has some sort of urinary tract infection or constipation or something. He’s in and out of the litterbox all the time. Mrs. ACW is taking him to the vet today to see if we can’t uncork the bits that ironically make him so irritating in the first place.

3) My car. I’m buying my grandfather’s car so I need to sell my old car to cover some of the cost. I haven’t been able to find anyone within my extended family that seems to need a car, so I’m turning to you, the unwashed masses of the internet. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest ATM, checkbook, or money order location and try for a chance at owning a prime piece of ACW memorabilia! Seriously though, if you know someone who has a teen that needs an extremely dependable but not-at-all flashy starter car, or if someone needs an around-town car that gets great mileage, please email me and let me know and I can give you the specifics. I’d apologize for essentially putting an ad for a used car on my blog, but it’s my blog, and if you don’t like it, you can eat a bag of dicks. Also, please buy my car.

A peek behind the curtain

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Anonymous Coworker
on March 21, 2008 @ 9:37 am
in awesome, i am so fucking awesome, potty humor and the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs
. 8 Comments

People have asked me how I come up with saying things like describing a person as a, “cock-noshing shitburger face-fucking a greasy fast-food sandwich”, and usually I just say, “I don’t know. I guess I just try to find a way to be obscene that I haven’t used before.” But really, there’s more to it than that. In the fall of last year a guy contacted me about an issue I was having with the archives, and in the ensuing conversation he told me he was blind and that a “male monotone computer voice” reads my posts for him. From that point on I’ve imagined what my words would sound like if they were being read by Stephen Hawking, and for some reason, that makes it even easier to be more obscene.

If you have a Mac, you probably already know how to make your computer talk, so I won’t elaborate there. But if you don’t know, or if you’re too lazy to find out, or if you’re using a Windows machine, or if you want to hear a computer say bad words, you can use this site.

I’ve prepared some phrases for you:

effluvium-snorting cock-holes
testicle-cradling panty-twisters
A two-hour toddler cock-knocking for them all!
fart-huffing butthole-stuffing troglodytes
nut-juggling cock-monger
poop
cock-snorting shit-bather
At worst I’ll make a cheek-clenching dash to the bathroom before spray-painting one of the toilets with used chili
unsanctioned cock-fight (not the kind with chickens)
middle-aged, cock-obsessed, leather freak
my ass becomes an uncontrollable anti-aircraft cannon of sound-barrier destroying feces
fueling an airborne shit-factory that will rain down upon the beach a globby, beige salvo of runny poo
If snow terrifies you so much, don’t get on the roads, you horrible fucking shit-juggling asshole

It just kind of spirals into insanity

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Anonymous Coworker
on March 14, 2008 @ 9:57 am
in beer, food, house, jokes, meta blogging, nerd stuff, people are idiots and the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs
. 5 Comments

Because I hadn’t done it for a while, I thought I’d take a spin through the old stats page to see how the mental deficients, drifting like flotsam on the currents of the intertubes, were washing up on the sparkling golden shores of my website. Here’s a smattering of dumb people using the internet, and some insight as to how their tiny walnut sized brains work:

“18 year old” “parents responsibility” “michigan”

I can see this one going one of two ways. Either it’s a kid trying to figure out how soon they can get away from their shitty parents, or it’s a shitty parent trying to figure out how long they can oppress the life of their child. Or maybe their trying to find out just how little work they need to do to not get charged for neglect by the state. Whichever way you slice it, they wound up on my blog, and probably got terrible advice.


rehomo beach

This one is a little astonishing, because I’ve never even typed “rehomo beach”, but Angy Hangy did in my comments, and her willy-nilly use of a neologism for a gay beach in Delaware landed me this search.


how to stop cats shitting in your yard

I wish I could help you dude. I really do.

he s looking at her boobs game online

Ah, Romania. Is there nothing you can’t do? What’s that? You can’t teach your citizens how to create a legitimate web search? Oh, well, no country is perfect. Except America. Seriously. Don’t fuck with us or we will bring you our democracy. We invented ass whoopin’ for the sake of ass whoopin’.

house

And what country could possibly have worse searches than Romania? America! Home of the mouth breathing idiot that has more time and money than taste or sense. Really, you just typed “house” into a search engine and immediately got what you were looking for? Do you go into the bread aisle of the store and pass out from shock when you see more than one kind? Also, why are you using MSN Live Search? You must be some sort of post-lobotomy lab-experiment in a competition with rats to see who has a better mastery of the internet, and too bad for you, the rats just identity thefted your mouth-breathing ass.

this is relevant to my interests origin

Another newcomer to the internet, this time from Australia. Bonzer, mate! I’m grinning like a shot fox that you found my website. Ace! We should hit the turps with heaps of Foster’s and a Bloomin’ Onion at the boozer! Well, I’ve got a cane toad in my clacker, so donger the cleanskin and sleepout the yabby and we’ll pozzy the spunk for a corker dingo’s breakfast!

Also, this is a personal note to the person who is still using Netscape 5.0 to access my site:

Who the hell are you!? Is Netscape Navigator 5.0 some sort of magical web browser that no one ever used but is capable of time-travelling 10 years into the future to read a shitty blog?! That’s awesome, but also kind of really lame. Oh, and by the way, September 2001 is really going to suck for you guys, so be ready for that. Also, you might want to stop buying any products from China, unless you’re really into lead. Um, I think that’s it. Keep it dopey double-fresh on the rewind, and hook-up your blingety for me. Yes, that’s how we talk in 2008.

Whimsy 2

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Anonymous Coworker
on March 5, 2008 @ 12:06 pm
in awesome, nerd stuff and the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs
. 4 Comments

Quickly clean your desktop computer or laptop of viruses, trojans, spammers, pop-ups, and other electronic bugaboos with this quick Flash application.

How about a favor?

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on February 27, 2008 @ 9:11 am
in Mrs. ACW, bitches, family, jokes, suhmuhmuh bitch and the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs
. 43 Comments

I realize that for the past few days I’ve been pretty fucking pissed off. Have been… am. Whatever. I guess I’m going through the 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial: The initial stage: “It can’t be happening.”
2. Anger: “Why me? It’s not fair.”
3. Bargaining: “Just let me live to see my children graduate.”
4. Depression: “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”
5. Acceptance: “It’s going to be OK.”

Let’s see… I don’t think I ever went through the denial stage. I remember getting the the phone call and thinking, “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.” I’m clearly in monkey-humping lust with the anger part. In fact, I mentioned to Mrs. ACW that on Sunday when we went to get food to take to my family’s house I was thinking, “Why are all these people out shopping? Don’t they know the world should stop for me?”

I’m pretty sure the bargaining thing isn’t going to crop up for the same reason that denial didn’t: I just can’t turn off the coldly logical part of my brain. I think it’s that part of my brain that helped keep us from buying a $20,000 vault when my family was ready to throw down cash for anything and everything. I know I’ve flirted with depression over the past few days, like, “Why do my homework? Why exercise? Why care what I’m eating? Why not just drink every night?” But it hasn’t been paralyzing, and usually that same part of my brain kicks in and says, “Shut up. That’s stupid. You’re not the one who just died.”

I guess I’ll eventually get to acceptance, I mean, I know I will, but right now I’m just really fucking pissed. I almost reactively called Wayne a “fucker” in the comments yesterday until I went back and re-read his comment and realized that it was relatively positive message (if only a bit preachy). So yeah, I’ve the anger part down pat.

This is where you come in! Know any good jokes? Magic tricks? Seen something really funny/bizarre/goofy online recently? Please let me know. If there’s one thing I learned from all this it’s that the periods leading up to and immediately following funerals are in desperate need of someone who knows a good joke. Lay them on me.

Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin.

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on February 6, 2008 @ 11:46 am
in Mrs. ACW, bitches, devil cat, meta blogging, movies, ocd, suhmuhmuh bitch, the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs and work
. 6 Comments

I’ve been evicted from my office today. We have a ton of people interviewing for some new positions, and we ran out of conference rooms, empty offices, and lobby spaces, so I’m sharing an office with my boss for the time being. I’m not exactly sure where I’ll be throughout the day, but I don’t think I have to explain that typing on a shared laptop in an office shared with your boss does not exactly provide the same level of anonymity as typing at one’s own desk with the monitor facing away from the door to the office.

Despite these setbacks, I’ve composed this entry in Word and when I have a second will copy and paste it to the intertubes.

I have a feeling that posts for Wednesday are going to become “movie review” type posts because Mrs. ACW leaves for class at about 6:15pm and doesn’t get home until about 10pm. That usually gives me time to watch about two movies. Three if they’re all short, and if I’m efficient with channel flipping and dvd swapping.

Last night I tried to watch 3 movies, but the first movie was so boring I couldn’t help but stop watching it. And if you read last week about my OCD around movies you’ll know that this means the movie must be really really really really boring and/or bad. This week I tried to watch “The Return” featuring Sarah Michelle Gellar, but after about 30 minutes when nothing had happened, I just turned it off in favor of my Netflixed dvd of The Avengers. And let me tell you something- the Avengers sucked. I’m not sure whose idea it was to have two people with British accents banter back and forth and occaisionally swap relatively not unfunny puns, punctuating the dialogue every thirty minutes or so with a stingy dose of action, but that person should be dragged through a swimming pool of peanut butter and thrown to grizzly bears.

Lucky for me Cinemax was showing A History of Violence, so I was able to watch SOMETHING that was good. So good, in fact, that when Mrs. ACW walked in the door during the last 5 minutes of the movie, the douchebag Sherlock decided to scamper out the front door and hide under the neighbor’s porch. Thanks a lot, fucker! So instead of lounging on the couch and watching the conclusion to an exciting movie, I was shoulder deep in 200 years of leaf detritus trying to get a hold of the walking shit factory.

I made it back inside just in time to see the credits rolling! Argh! You have no idea how crazy this makes someone like me. I can’t function. It’s like someone switched the prescription on my glasses without telling me, and I just have to deal with it. Add to that the fact that I don’t even have my own computer to work on today, and thus can’t search the internets for the final scene, and you’ll realize that I’m starting to mentally unravel at the seams.

Don’t be surprised if posts for the rest of this week amount to nothing more than, “Teddy bear want my bear teddy bear bear blanket where’s my bear blanket teaddy bear blanket bear teddy bear picnic tea party teddy bear picnic bear blanket satan bear blanket teddy satan bear ba’al teddy Beelzebub satan satan Lucifer bear hail satan satan sacrifice human sacrifice hail satan kill eat souls rend this world in twain and banish all souls to eternal torment and strife when a black icy wave of abysmal darkness envelops this plane of existence and expels all but hatred from the hearts of men teddy bear.”

A message to superman_adonis@yahoo.com

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on February 4, 2008 @ 10:23 am
in awesome, i am so fucking awesome, money, people are idiots, potty humor, sex and the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs
. 30 Comments

I was GOING to write a post about the superbowl (a terrible game with 2 exciting drives bookended by boring, unfunny commercials) but the internet has provided the bounty, once again.

Here is the comment I got on Saturday from Man Enough to have fun at any club:

WOW,

This has nothing to do with you current post but one that had popped up from a few years ago about your experience at Baja Beach Club. Wow…………..you are a BITCH, lol. Most “real men” can handle themselves in a club full of screaming horny women but this seems not to be the case for you. As far as a tip goes, when you buy a bottles beer for 25 cents you fucking tip asshole. I don’t care if that beer came staright out of your boyfriends asshole it’s 25 cents for God’s sake, you tip. I have ran club after club after club and there are always wallflower, no game, losers like yourself who get bent when they get blownoff for being the cheapskate piece of shit that you are. It’s ok though, after reading your comments and opinions about Baja of Baltimore your scene would be best suited to the library you waste of space faggot, stay the fuck out of a crazy, exciting club where everyone but you has a great time. The funny thing is I was probably there that night and fucked both of the girls you came with, and they probably paid me to do it causing your little tantrem, that happens alot. Have a great day and enjoy the Science Center faggot. :) Next time bring monery when you go into any club and rememeber 25 cents bottles equal a tip…..reguardless of the service!!!!!!! now FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!

Did you read it all? If you didn’t, I suggest you go back and really soak in the idiocy of it all. Judging from the complete lack of spelling ability, poor grammar use, extremely low reading comprehension, child-like logic, and general dumbfuckery, I’d say we have a comment from your average, run of the mill club-rat: the poster-child for eugenics. For purposes of visualization, this is who I’m picturing:

spikeyhair

I’m not even sure where to start with this one, so I guess I’ll start at the beginning.

Dear Idiot,

Were you able to count higher than 4, I might begin to compare your lack of intelligence to that of a bag of hammers, or a bucket of rocks, but because you’re a mouth-breathing semi-functional illiterate, I’ll try to use as few words as possible, and make those words small ones whenever I can. Do you have your dictionary ready, or maybe a friend who passed the third grade? Great. Here we go.

If you had any reading comprehension skills whatsoever (and no, having your mommy read you the jokes in Maxim doesn’t count) you would have read that I was going to tip FOUR TIMES (sorry, I guess you’ll need a calculator too) the amount the bartender expected to be tipped, but because the bartender was a whiny little crybaby, I decided not to tip him at all. I figured the less money he had to spend on Drakkar Noir, the better. Somehow, though, you missed that part of my post, and I can only assume it’s because you could only understand one out of every 18 words that I typed. Don’t beat yourself up over it, though, lots of people have trouble reading. However, it would probably be in your best interest to stopping drinking gallon upon gallon of lead paint. Despite what you and your friends tell yourselves, it’s not making you smarter.

Now, on to the other issues to which you alluded. You appear to have quite a bit of aggression towards gay people. I’m not sure where this stems from, since I don’t know you, but I think it might be good for you to look up a term called, “projection”. Basically it means that you see something in other people that you don’t want to acknowledge in yourself. For example, you suggested I was gay about a half-dozen times, but I can see that you looked at the “About” section of my blog, and thus know that I’m happily married to a woman. But I have a surprise for you! You were able to see through the facade and find out that, yes, I’m really gay. I love having sex with men. In fact, I was just banging your dad, and he was really enjoying himself as well. Your mom was video-taping the whole thing, so you can borrow the tape from her if you want to check it out.

Also, it seems like you hate intelligence. This isn’t just something that I picked up from the barely legible missive you left in my comments, but also because you denigrated the Science Center and the library. Are you really so simple that intelligence is an affront to you? Your life must be incredibly difficult, not being able to figure out why it takes you so long to put your diaper on every morning.

Finally, no, you didn’t have sex with the two women I came in with. In fact, I’d say you probably never have sex with anyone. You go to a shitty club, swill shitty beer for a few hours, grind your way through the Baja Beach Club nightly sausage-party, ogle the few slutty white-trash trailer-bunnies that do show up, go home with an empty wallet and a tiny little erection, and masturbate furiously to scrambled porn in your parent’s basement. Doesn’t it make you even a little bit sad that your life peaked in high school, you prickless manchild?

I hope you continue to waste your money, life, and time at the Baja Beach Club, because the odds are in my favor that you’ll eventually contract Hepatitis C and die. In fact, I’d be surprised if you weren’t already riddled with a cocktail of chlamydia, herpes, and genital warts from rubbing your laughably small penis all over the other troglodytes in that den of idiocy.

Please sterilize yourself,

ACW

P.S. Here are the words you misspelled, now spelled correctly:

tantrum
blown off
straight
a lot
money
remember
regardless

You should probably write these down for the next time you try to make fun of somebody but instead end up looking like a moron.

The announcement

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on January 28, 2008 @ 9:43 am
in meta blogging and the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs
. 43 Comments

Because I already hated having to put a post saying I was going to make an announcement, and because it drives me absolutely kitten-punchingly bonkers when people bury their announcement in a mountain of indecipherable, sophomoric prose and put the most important piece of information at the end of the post, forcing you to wade through metaphors so forced that if you used the same force to pass a toilet baby you’d give yourself an aneurysm, I’m giving you my announcement up front:

August 27th, 2008, will be the last time this blog is updated. And just to be absolutely clear, I’m not transferring domain names, I’m not starting this blog somewhere else, I’m not doing anything. This blog will be done. There will be no more posts or updates, and once the domain expires, it’ll be gone forever.

Sure, if something remarkable happens, like me coming into a ton of money, I’ll of course pop in for one last, “Ha ha suckers, I can buy and sell your asses now,” but that’ll be it. Chances are extremely super-duper strong that this site won’t be updated again after August 27th.

I’ve got my reasons after the jump, but I don’t want anyone to feel compelled to read that garbage, so you can skip along now, if you’d like.

Continue reading ‘The announcement’

This is where the title goes

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on January 24, 2008 @ 9:45 am
in Mrs. ACW, POS Tercel, bitches, movies, people are idiots, potty humor, suhmuhmuh bitch, the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs and work
. 12 Comments

So, man, have I been a terrible blog owner lately. First there’s nothing to write about, then I go away for a week and a half, then I come back and again have shit all to write about. I can’t say exactly where I went, or what I did, but I did learn some new magic tricks and mind-reading games, as well as a few new drinking games. Because it’s always handy to trick someone into buying you a drink, and then playing a game that gets you so drunk you’re soiling your diapers less than an hour later. What? You don’t wear diapers? Oh. Well, neither do I. Moving on.

A buddy of mine has entered a short story in the Amazon.com short story competition. Because I’m a lazy bastard, I will use nearly the exact text he used when he told me to read it and write a nice review. “I’ve been selected as a semifinalist in Amazon.com novel competition, and I’m looking to shore up support for my book by getting anyone and everyone in the world to write reviews and post ratings for my book. In order to do this, obviously, I have to tell you where it is. It’s here.” So wander over and take a look at what’s he’s got going on, and be sure to give it a good review. Also, feel free to buy me something off my wishlist while you’re over there. Because I’m awesome.

Let’s see… what else is going on. I have a pretty big announcement for next week, so feel free to stop by on Monday to see what that’s all about. I’m not trying to be some hit-whoring blog-tease, it’s just that I haven’t written the post for the announcement yet. I can’t post something I haven’t written yet, jerks. Calm the crap down. Don’t get your panties in a bunch, the internet will go on.

Speaking of the internet, I haven’t yet had a chance to reacquaint myself with it since I’ve been gone outside of occasional dalliances into the ether in response to an email query. I’m completely and utterly behind news-wise. I have no idea what’s been going on in the primaries, or with the economy, or anything. The only news item I’ve heard recently was that Heath Ledger died, which sucks, because he always seemed to be one of those Hollywood types who wasn’t constantly stuffing his nose full of coke, shaving his head, and flashing his junk at the media. I think we’ve lost someone who could have been a fantastic lifetime actor, and that sucks. Proving there is no god, Richard Gere continues to live. Also, I have a flat tire. Woo hoo to spending money on shit I wasn’t anticipating!

The Missus and I were supposed to get tattoos for Holiday presents (the war on Xmas doesn’t end with the season, now does it?) for each other, and I’m struggling with ideas. I sort of had all my tattoo ideas laid out in my head, and when the guy at the shop advised me on why he thought one of my tattoo placement ideas wasn’t a good idea, it kind of sent my whole tattoo plan into flux. At the same time, I’ve been brimming with new ideas that I can’t get because I have a personal rule about waiting one year before getting an idea tattooed on myself. Also, please don’t suggest any ideas, because I don’t get stuff done that isn’t my own idea, and you might ruin a potential future idea I have. There’s nothing worse than seeing or hearing about a tattoo that I had only begun to formulate mentally.

I think aside from that stuff I don’t really have much going on right now, but you know I’ll let you know as soon as I see something bizarre/stupid/weird/funny. In the meantime, I will continue to sort through the ninety-hojillion emails I have left, and keep meeting with people. (This is, I think, my newest pet peeve. Almost worse than those that continually email me after having gotten my vacation message are people who schedule meetings back to back the day I get back to work. Don’t they realize I have better things to do then listen to them drone on about the decisions they reached in meeting when I wasn’t there?)

Leave a message after the beep

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on January 15, 2008 @ 8:14 am
in people are idiots, sex, the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs, travel and work
. 8 Comments

Hi, this is Anonymous Coworker and I’m not available to write this blog. I’ll be out of the intertubes from Friday, January 11th, until Wednesday, January 23rd. If you need to read a blog immediately, please go check somewhere else on the information superhighwebs. If you’re the other 99.9% of the internet population and you’re looking for boobies, you can find some here. (Vote for Dizzy Von Damn: 3rd column across, 8th row down.)

Any comments left between now and January 23rd will be replied to on or after January 23rd. Any comments requesting immediate action before January 23rd will have their email addresses forwarded to Chris Hansen with “Here’s a pervert for you” in the subject line.

Bad Behavior has blocked 632 access attempts in the last 7 days.