Archive for the 'school' Category

Flights of the not-so-Fancy

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on December 7, 2007 @ 8:51 am
in Mrs. ACW, beer, devil cat and school
. 26 Comments

Over Thanksgiving weekend Mrs. ACW and I decided that since there was so much to do around the house and for our respective courses, that we should instead do nothing. So we got a plan in our head to head on down to the libary to rent us up some movies.

On the way we managed to persuade Mokie to join us, but it wasn’t really hard because he generally spends his time sitting around doing nothing anyway.

At some point while we were trying to decide what movies to watch (Mallrats and Mean Girls, by the way. Mallrats is a classic, of course. And Mean Girls was actually really funny, and caught Lindsay Lohan at her peak, just before she lost all the weight that made her attractive in the first place, and just before she became a swirling Charybdis of coke-fueled STDs.) I decided that we should drink a flight of beers and do a beer tasting. We had all day, so there’s no reason why we shouldn’t.

So we went to the liquor store to pick up some beers, when I got an even AWESOMER idea: we should do a beer tasting of a flight of shitty beers. The idea was proposed to the group, sent to the Ways and Means committee to determine if funds and livers were in good enough shape to support this endeavor, returned for a vote with a rider attached suggesting that we should also buy a bag of Doritos, and then passed with a unanimous vote of 3 yeas and 0 nays.

In case you can’t tell, that’s Corona, Miller Lite, Becks, Budweiser, MGD, and Colt 45 surrounding Wookie, who is occupying the place in the box that was previously occupied by a 6 of Guinness. Hey, we had to buy SOMETHING that was actually worth drinking.

Through a complicated system of pouring beers so that no one knew what they were drinking, we eventually got all the beers into glasses, ready to be consumed.

In case you can’t tell, that last one says, “URINE SPECIMEN BOTTLE”. It’s okay though, it’s sterilized. Yes, I’m sure. I’m absolutely sure. I own an autoclave, okay? Don’t ask.

I think we’ve since lost the list that says exactly who guessed correctly or incorrectly about which beer was which, but I do remember a few things:

-Becks tastes like a skunk took a dump in a bucket of piss

-Mokie and Mrs. ACW are apparently incapable of distinguishing Colt 45 from Miller Lite

-All shitty beers have the same color and consistency

-I guessed all the beers correctly! I am the king of shitty beer!

Back after these messages

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on December 4, 2007 @ 9:12 am
in i am so fucking awesome and school
. 12 Comments

Working on my final paper for my class, so I’ll leave you with this until Thursday:

I am awesome. You are a bitch.

Discuss.

My absurdly boring life as haiku

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on October 26, 2007 @ 10:10 am
in house, nerd stuff, school, suhmuhmuh bitch and word nerd
. 16 Comments

Winter is coming
I can tell by less cat hair
Bunched in the Roomba

Swish flop swish flop swish
Windshield wiper is broken
Swish flop swish flop swish

Car starting is a fight
One hundred dollars: new starter
Real problem? Battery

Homework all the time
Never any time for fun
Free time is extinct

Staining a deck sucks
Hurts my back, smell is horrid
Deck stink still lingers

Cinemax has been reading my blog

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on October 25, 2007 @ 11:00 am
in Mrs. ACW, bitches, meta blogging, movies, nerd stuff, people are idiots, school, sex and work
. 14 Comments

Last week I mentioned my Wednesday night tradition. You didn’t click that link, did you? You bunch of lazy fuckers. I swear, if this were a restaurant you’d all be sitting around complaining about how I hadn’t chewed the food enough for you. “I have to click on a link and open a whole new page and then read a bunch of whole new words to find out the context of what’s going on? Really? Maybe I’ll just go back to MySpace where everyone is as dumb and as lazy as I am.” You twats.

Anyway, since none of you clicked on that link, here’s the important bit:

I have class on Wednesday nights, and since school is so much closer to Mokie’s house than it is to my house, and since Mrs. ACW’s class starts as soon as my class lets out, I usually head over to Mokie’s for dinner. That is, as long as there’s nothing good on TV. See, I get HBO and Cinemax, whereas Mokie gets nothing, so before I go over to his house I call to get him to check TV Guide to see what movies might be showing. Most of the time it’s crap like Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (which I’ve now seen about 5 times), or something like Fried Green Steel Magnolias Under the Tuscan Runaway Bride, so I opt to have some dinner with my brother. But he knows that if something badass comes on, like Bloodsport, or Timecop, or Street Fighter, then I’ll have to go home and watch that instead of coming to dinner.

Did you catch that? Three Van Damme movies mentioned at the end. Three. Because he’s the ass-kickingest Frenchman you’ve ever had a homo-erotic sex-fantasy about, and last night, to my surprise, Cinemax was showing Universal Soldier: The Return. Again, I realize you’re lazier than a morbidly obese Matthew Sweet in a sedentary showdown with an old jar of mayonnaise, so you probably won’t click that link, so I’ll elucidate the important details here:

Universal Soldier: The Return was released to lobotomized audiences across the US in 1999, and though it didn’t win any prizes or acclaim, it WAS directed by Some Douchebag. Though I never saw any of the other Universal Soldier movies, I remained confident that I’d be able to keep up.

The tagline was, “Prepare to become obsolete” but it probably should have been, “Prepare to become stupider”.

Here’s a plot outline from IMDB: “Universal Soldier II [wtf? This is Universal Solider: The Return, or at least Universal Soldier IV. People are idiots. - ACW] continues the story of Luc Deveraux, who has survived his experiences as a Universal Soldier, recovered, and is now working as a technical expert on a government project to revive and improve the Universal Soldier training program. When S.E.T.H., the supercomputer controlling the Soldiers, goes haywire and takes over, Luc is the only one who can battle this elite team of deadly, near-perfect warriors.”

That really doesn’t give you the full flavor of the movie though. If I were to write a plot outline, it would go like this:

Boy meets girl. Boy runs away from genetically engineered super-army with girl… on jet skis. Boy fights former WCW wrestler Goldberg. AI computer tries to kill everyone and take over the world. Girl goes away for some reason. Boy meets another girl. Boy has to go to a nearby strip club to access the internet to hack the AI computer to find out who is also hacking the AI computer at the same time so he can stop the other hacker from continuing to hack. 30 minutes of tits. 5 minute overwrought high-school-drama-department monologue by AI computer after having his “portable brain matrix” implanted in a genetically engineered super-soldier. Boy goes back to fight genetically engineered super-army with girl. Guns and explosions and hand to hand combat. Bad pun. Bad pun. Explosion. Bad pun. Plot hole. Plot hole. Bad pun. Explosion. Plot hole. Bad pun. Plot hole. Explosion. Plot hole. Bad pun. Ironic bad-guy comeuppance. Explosion. The end.

I wasn’t really paying attention to the movie, and I kept switching back and forth between that mindless pap and Mythbusters, so I might have missed some extremely important plot points, but I’m pretty sure that the directorial debut of a stuntman with a script written by the douche who also wrote Darkness Falls doesn’t really require that you watch the whole movie. In fact, I’d be shocked if the 30 minute strip club scene didn’t come about because they were at a strip club trying to figure out what to put in the second act.

“Let’s see, the first act is our introduction to the Universal Soldiers, so there’s lots of fighting and explosions.”

“Yeah, and the third act is the final battle and everything that leads up to it, so there’s lots of fighting and explosions.”

“So what to do about the second act?”

They look around, then at each other, then say simultaneously:

“A bar brawl at a strip club!”

Then they high-fived each other and ordered a round of lap dances to celebrate.

Stuffed Shells, Sex Perverts, and My Parents

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on October 11, 2007 @ 11:13 am
in Mrs. ACW, food, movies, potty humor, school and sex
. 28 Comments

Last night my life took a turn for the bizarre, if only momentarily.

I have class on Wednesday nights, and since school is so much closer to Mokie’s house than it is to my house, and since Mrs. ACW’s class starts as soon as my class lets out, I usually head over to Mokie’s for dinner. That is, as long as there’s nothing good on TV. See, I get HBO and Cinemax, whereas Mokie gets nothing, so before I go over to his house I call to gt him to check TV Guide to see what movies might be showing. Most of the time it’s crap like Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (which I’ve now seen about 5 times), or something like Fried Green Steel Magnolias Under the Tuscan Runaway Bride, so I opt to have some dinner with my brother. But he knows that if something badass comes on, like Bloodsport, or Timecop, or Street Fighter, then I’ll have to go home and watch that instead of coming to dinner.

But that’s all beside the point. Last night there was nothing on TV so I went over for a dinner of stuffed shells and joined my parents at my brother’s house. As after-dinner conversations usually do, ours turned to wetsuit/mechanical asphyxia fetishists. My parents were unfamiliar with the person or subject in question, so my brother and I elaborated delicately, initially leaving out the fact that the gentleman had a condom-covered dildo stuffed up his ass. I originally said something like, “They found a foreign object in a delicate location” and my mom belched out, “Don’t tell me he had a fish up there!” All the while my dad was still trying to figure out why someone would don two wetsuits, half a dozen belts, and rubber underpants.

“I guess that’s what got him off” we responded. They were both incredulous, so we had to explain to them that there was a continuum of sexual behaviors that ranged from “normal” to “abnormal” both of these terms being relatively meaningless, but provided for their benefit. More accurate labels would probably be “performed by many people in a population” to “performed by very few people in a population”. I think we got them to understand that the wetsuit thing was on the “abnormal” end, but I’m not sure they realized that as a continuum there are many different kinks between missionary position and wetsuits. So we, of course, jumped right into poop fetishes.

A moderately uncomfortable conversation followed where my brother and I argued for personal freedom from government intrusion into sexuality and with my dad saying that it’s because of crazy fetishes like these that he never wants to shake anyone’s hand (wtf?) and my mom throwing out the tired canard that if we let people have weird sex we have to let people have sex with children and animals. I immediately countered by saying that kids and animals can’t give consent, but I think by that point they were both suitably horrified and said that it was time for them to leave.

Sensing their discomfort my brother and I changed the subject and they settled down for another 15 minutes or so.

When I was leaving my dad gave me a hug, and being the thoughtful reassuring son that I am I asked him, “How can you be sure I’m not into putting fish in my butt?”

Just an FYI

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on August 13, 2007 @ 9:34 am
in meta blogging, school, the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs and work
. 1 Comment

Work is picking up again, which means that the blog will suffer, and in a few weeks I’ll be starting another graduate course, and then blogging will suffer more. Just wanted to give you all a heads up so you could spend some time looking for another place to burn brain cells online. I’ll continue to update when the planets align, and when whim and free-time strike simultaneously.

You put the Hot Pocket between the Pop Tarts then dip the whole thing in YooHoo

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on July 9, 2007 @ 9:48 am
in food, meta blogging, movies, nerd stuff, potty humor, school, sex, the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs, word nerd and work
. 15 Comments

Well, that was an exciting bunch of day off. Quite a few people (one) asked me if there was a particular reason I was taking some time off, and the reason was actually pretty simple: I was tired of the Internet.

“Tired of the Internet?!” you scream, elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, corona of orange dust encircling your mouth and eerily highlighted by the glow of the monitor in your mother’s basement, “How could you be tired of the Internet?!” you bellow at the keyboard, smearing the keys a deeper hue of orange before stomping up to the kitchen to make yourself your seventh Pop Tart and Hot Pocket sandwich of the day which you’ll lazily dunk in a warm tumbler of YooHoo before drifting off, genitals in hand, in front of a Star Trek/Debbie Does Dallas mash-up on YouTube. I know YOU people will never tire of the Internet; but I did.

The class I was taking focused heavily on the social nature of the Internet, and after spending all day reading, writing, and researching the topics of communities, technology, Internet culture, etc., I had no interest in actually using the Internet. I was figuratively full of Internet. The tubes were stuffed up my ass and Ted Stevens was cramming them with even more Internet.

And my job pretty much requires that I hang out on the Internet all day, so something had to give, and the blog was cut loose. I didn’t really miss the blogging per se. What I missed was the opportunities blogging affords me. Opportunities to make a long, semi-nonsensical run-on sentence like the one in the second paragraph. Opportunities to find new and more disgusting ways to talk about poo poo, pee pee, wieners, vajayjays, and grundles. Opportunities to find new ways to swear. Anyone can say “fuck” but I like to think it takes a little talent to say “nut-juggling cock-monger”.

I missed those opportunities.

I can hear you now:

“I can’t believe I put on pants for this.”

Depending on how you look at it, I’m working

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on June 22, 2007 @ 11:20 am
in meta blogging, school, suhmuhmuh bitch and work
. 12 Comments

I’ve got four major projects on my to-do list for this time of year, plus one side project in collaboration with other groups, and one task that is increasing incrementally in difficulty as time goes by.

But I’m completed with my four projects and my side project, so the only thing left to do is the incrementally increasing task.

But the incrementally increasing task has a deadline two weeks from today, and with no other work to do, I’m saving it for then to do all at once, rather than completing what I have now and completing the bits that trickle in over the next two weeks as they cross my desk.

Plus no one who can assign me work is in the office.

I am bored outta my freakin’ skull.

So I started doing my school work, but realized quickly that I was getting ahead of myself, and that if I did it all now I wouldn’t have anything to do for the next two weeks. And frankly all this nothing makes for a very dull ACW. You probably figured that out years ago, but I don’t care.

Not sure when the slump will lift, but you can expect more thrilling glimpses (just like this!) into my daily banality in the coming days.

I guess it’s my fault for completing my work so effectively in the first place.

unwoot.

How to make a good powerpoint presentation

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on June 19, 2007 @ 9:25 am
in bitches, school and suhmuhmuh bitch
. 24 Comments

It’s been busy (Ha! I just typed “busty”. Tits everywhere!) around here lately, primarily because my class is wrapping up for the semester. I had my group presentation last night, my 5-pages-minimum-with-sources “midterm” essay is due on Wednesday, my final project presentation is due this coming Monday, and my 10-pages-minimum-with-sources final project is due by the 2nd of July.

Or, at least that’s how it was supposed to have happened.

At the beginning of the semester we were broken into groups based on what topic we wanted to present about, and our group was the biggest at 5 people. We were told that we’d have 1 and 1/2 to 2 hours to present, and that we’d need time left over for questions. So we quickly divided 90 minutes by 5 people and came up with 18 minutes per person. That would leave plenty of time for Q&A at the end, and we’d all do an equal amount of presenting.

So I spent the last week and a half working on my presentation. I was making sure my slides were relevant, practicing my timing, making sure that I was right around 18 minutes. I even planned for dropping some stuff if time was short and had some anecdotes ready if we needed to stretch it out a bit.

When the first person in our group spoke for 30 minutes and read each word on every slide, I was a bit miffed but figured that everyone else would make up for it. When the second person in our group spoke for 30 minutes and read every word on every slide, I was starting to get frustrated. When the third person in our group spoke for 45 minutes and brought up every tangent known to humanity, I wanted to punch myself in the face and flip the fucking desk over. When the fourth presenter promised he could do a quick summary in 5 minutes and then used the remaining 20, all the while talking about EVERYTHING in my part of the presentation, I damn near exploded with rage.

Now I have to re-frame every theme in my presentation so that it doesn’t look like we had two duplicate conclusions, and I have to do it while I’m supposed to be working on my fucking midterm.

Seriously, everyone who has presented in my class so far has been horrible at it. Everyone reads off their fucking slides! It makes me want to stab faces! If you are reading off your fucking powerpoint slides you are an idiot and you are wasting everyone’s time and you should dunk yourself in gravy and go play with the lions at the zoo. Either shut your stupid fucking mouth and let the audience read your presentation because you’ve just rendered yourself a stupid sack of meat worth nothing more than the thumb it takes you to advance your slides, or don’t read off your fucking slides you cockthirsty shitfucker! Take an extra THREE FUCKING MINUTES and create a presentation that doesn’t make me want to tear out your eyeballs and skullfuck your screaming face. You know what? Nevermind. Don’t even use powerpoint because you’re just going to fuck it up anyway and end up looking like a retard again and wasting everyone’s time. You’re not allowed to use powerpoint anymore, dumbfuckers.

Here’s an example of a really good powerpoint presentation. Notice that Mr. Lessing doesn’t read EVERY FUCKING SLIDE or FILL THE FUCKING SLIDES WITH A BUNCH OF USELESS SHIT and STUPID FUCKING ANIMATIONS.

Back to normal

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on June 14, 2007 @ 9:16 am
in awesome, devil cat, potty humor, school and work
. 14 Comments

1) Yesterday during the storm and concurrent tornado watch that swept through the area, I was trapped inside my office waiting for the rain to let up for a moment so I could dash to my car and make it to class on time. I watched as sheet after sheet of rain was followed by lightning striking trees and church spires on the horizon. Then, all of a sudden the rain let up and the wind stopped blowing everything sideways, so I took a step towards the door.

BOOM!

I’m not sure if the lightning struck the building, or just outside the building, but for a moment everything was doused in an intense bluish-white light and the air literally crackled. At the same moment, all the handicapped accessible doors in the building opened at the same time, interior and exterior, flooding the lobby with the rain that immediately started pouring out of the sky again. Figuring it probably couldn’t get much worse than that, I steeled my nerves, shook the crap out of my pants leg, and made a run for my car.

2) When I came home from class last night I really had to go to the bathroom, so I used the bathroom on the first floor where we keep the litterbox. One of the cats had left an obelisk of feces that rose straight out of the litterbox and valiantly strained skyward. I wasn’t sure if I should clean the litterbox or take a picture, so I did nothing.

3) There is no third one. I just usually do these things in threes.

Bad Behavior has blocked 444 access attempts in the last 7 days.