Archive for the 'meta blogging' Category

Drawing a blank

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Anonymous Coworker
on May 13, 2008 @ 8:54 am
in contests, games, meta blogging, the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs and word nerd
. 45 Comments

I’ve got nothing. Did you see that post from yesterday? What a pile of washed up shit THAT was. I can’t believe you even read it and then didn’t try to track me down to beat me up for having written something so completely boring. Ugh. It made pablum look like banality incarnate.

So because I’m so lazy I’m going to throw it out to the internetstertubestersuperterhighwayternets. Leave me a single word in the comments and I’ll make a post using those words tomorrow.

Sorry for phoning it in today, but you get what you pay for around here.

This year’s haul

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Anonymous Coworker
on April 25, 2008 @ 1:52 pm
in atheism!, awesome, food, jesus is fo' shizzle, meta blogging, ocd, travel and work
. 9 Comments

Hotel Swag

Items of note:

The Book of Mormon (score!)
Popcorn
1 “Do Not Disturb” sign (a record low)

Last year’s stuff.

Answers to your questions on Monday, and maybe Tuesday too. And also possibly Wednesday.

It’s that time again. UPDATED

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on April 21, 2008 @ 9:19 pm
in contests, i am so fucking awesome, meta blogging, the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs, travel and work
. 24 Comments

UPDATE: Mrs. ACW says I was “insulting, combative, and bristly” in this post, so I thought I would put something up here to explain the below: I wasn’t talking about you. Or you. Or you or you or you. I was talking about that guy, over there. Yeah, the goofy looking one in the back with the raw bacon hanging out of his pants. The stuff below was meant for him. You people, though? I love you people. Also, I am superior to you in every way. Just to be clear.

I’m balls-to-the-wall busy today, and I’ll be making my annual trip up to Long Island this week, so I figured this would be the perfect time to do the very last ever “Ask the ACW” post.

I’m way too busy, and also way too lazy, to find any of the old posts on either a) the yearly trip to Long Island, or b) all the old Ask the ACW stuff, but rest assured it’s on the blog somewhere if you feel like looking for it.

Because this will be the very last Ask the ACW, there are a few rules. You can still ask anything that you want to ask, and I still reserve the right to answer or ignore questions based on little less than my own personal whimsy. But since I’m nothing if not extremely friendly and charitable, I will tell you generally which questions I won’t be answering.

- I won’t answer any questions that I’ve answered before. Oh, are you crying? Too bad. My brain cries when I keep seeing the same question over and over again. Also, my brain cries because they let YOU use a computer.

- I won’t answer any questions along the lines of “why is the sky blue?” or “why do 7-11s have locks on the doors if they are open 24 hours?” because not only are those questions kind of cliche at this point, they’re also not really a lot of fun to answer, and though you might think these posts are about you having a chance to raise your voice, it’s really still all about me.

- I, of course you dumb dumb, will not answer any questions about my personal life like my phone number, address, work place, sex life, etc. I really don’t want any of you sickos to know any more than you already do, and in fact, the amount that you know already scares me.

- I reserve the right to lie in totality and completely in some, most, or all of the answers, but will promise to try not to do so if I feel like it.

- Try to keep it to one or two questions. Every time I do this it takes me all damn week to answer the stupid questions because they just go on, and on, and on. Here’s a helpful tip: write down as many questions as you want, and then go through them to see which one or two are the best. Once you’ve eliminated all the questions because you’re dumb and your questions suck you can throw yourself off a building clear of any doubt that you bothered me with stupid questions.

I’ll almost certainly need to add more rules here as you numbnuts begin to submit your stupid questions in the comments. Try not to drool all over everything. Also, I’m pretty sure at least a dozen of you brainless meatbags will violate these rules in a pathetic attempt at “humor”, which is why I’ll be violating my own “comments will never be deleted” policy to delete your comments.

Cheers, bitches.

Shaking out the cobwebs

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Anonymous Coworker
on March 24, 2008 @ 9:17 am
in Mrs. ACW, POS Tercel, meta blogging, money, school, suhmuhmuh bitch and the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs
. 13 Comments

Things are busy around here, so I don’t really have a lot of “teh funny” that you’ve come to expect from other websites, or “teh mediocrity” that you’ve come to expect from mine. I should really look into what it means when my goal is mediocrity and I am still constantly under-performing. Eh, maybe some other time.

Anyway, the three big things holding me up right now are:

1) Schoolwork. I’ve added a thesis-level paper to my workload for the the semester, because I have to complete it before I graduate, and the work I already had for this semester was pretty light so I figured, “What the heck?” The heck is, school work now owns my free time.

2) Sherlock has some sort of urinary tract infection or constipation or something. He’s in and out of the litterbox all the time. Mrs. ACW is taking him to the vet today to see if we can’t uncork the bits that ironically make him so irritating in the first place.

3) My car. I’m buying my grandfather’s car so I need to sell my old car to cover some of the cost. I haven’t been able to find anyone within my extended family that seems to need a car, so I’m turning to you, the unwashed masses of the internet. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest ATM, checkbook, or money order location and try for a chance at owning a prime piece of ACW memorabilia! Seriously though, if you know someone who has a teen that needs an extremely dependable but not-at-all flashy starter car, or if someone needs an around-town car that gets great mileage, please email me and let me know and I can give you the specifics. I’d apologize for essentially putting an ad for a used car on my blog, but it’s my blog, and if you don’t like it, you can eat a bag of dicks. Also, please buy my car.

It just kind of spirals into insanity

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on March 14, 2008 @ 9:57 am
in beer, food, house, jokes, meta blogging, nerd stuff, people are idiots and the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs
. 5 Comments

Because I hadn’t done it for a while, I thought I’d take a spin through the old stats page to see how the mental deficients, drifting like flotsam on the currents of the intertubes, were washing up on the sparkling golden shores of my website. Here’s a smattering of dumb people using the internet, and some insight as to how their tiny walnut sized brains work:

“18 year old” “parents responsibility” “michigan”

I can see this one going one of two ways. Either it’s a kid trying to figure out how soon they can get away from their shitty parents, or it’s a shitty parent trying to figure out how long they can oppress the life of their child. Or maybe their trying to find out just how little work they need to do to not get charged for neglect by the state. Whichever way you slice it, they wound up on my blog, and probably got terrible advice.


rehomo beach

This one is a little astonishing, because I’ve never even typed “rehomo beach”, but Angy Hangy did in my comments, and her willy-nilly use of a neologism for a gay beach in Delaware landed me this search.


how to stop cats shitting in your yard

I wish I could help you dude. I really do.

he s looking at her boobs game online

Ah, Romania. Is there nothing you can’t do? What’s that? You can’t teach your citizens how to create a legitimate web search? Oh, well, no country is perfect. Except America. Seriously. Don’t fuck with us or we will bring you our democracy. We invented ass whoopin’ for the sake of ass whoopin’.

house

And what country could possibly have worse searches than Romania? America! Home of the mouth breathing idiot that has more time and money than taste or sense. Really, you just typed “house” into a search engine and immediately got what you were looking for? Do you go into the bread aisle of the store and pass out from shock when you see more than one kind? Also, why are you using MSN Live Search? You must be some sort of post-lobotomy lab-experiment in a competition with rats to see who has a better mastery of the internet, and too bad for you, the rats just identity thefted your mouth-breathing ass.

this is relevant to my interests origin

Another newcomer to the internet, this time from Australia. Bonzer, mate! I’m grinning like a shot fox that you found my website. Ace! We should hit the turps with heaps of Foster’s and a Bloomin’ Onion at the boozer! Well, I’ve got a cane toad in my clacker, so donger the cleanskin and sleepout the yabby and we’ll pozzy the spunk for a corker dingo’s breakfast!

Also, this is a personal note to the person who is still using Netscape 5.0 to access my site:

Who the hell are you!? Is Netscape Navigator 5.0 some sort of magical web browser that no one ever used but is capable of time-travelling 10 years into the future to read a shitty blog?! That’s awesome, but also kind of really lame. Oh, and by the way, September 2001 is really going to suck for you guys, so be ready for that. Also, you might want to stop buying any products from China, unless you’re really into lead. Um, I think that’s it. Keep it dopey double-fresh on the rewind, and hook-up your blingety for me. Yes, that’s how we talk in 2008.

Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin.

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on February 6, 2008 @ 11:46 am
in Mrs. ACW, bitches, devil cat, meta blogging, movies, ocd, suhmuhmuh bitch, the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs and work
. 6 Comments

I’ve been evicted from my office today. We have a ton of people interviewing for some new positions, and we ran out of conference rooms, empty offices, and lobby spaces, so I’m sharing an office with my boss for the time being. I’m not exactly sure where I’ll be throughout the day, but I don’t think I have to explain that typing on a shared laptop in an office shared with your boss does not exactly provide the same level of anonymity as typing at one’s own desk with the monitor facing away from the door to the office.

Despite these setbacks, I’ve composed this entry in Word and when I have a second will copy and paste it to the intertubes.

I have a feeling that posts for Wednesday are going to become “movie review” type posts because Mrs. ACW leaves for class at about 6:15pm and doesn’t get home until about 10pm. That usually gives me time to watch about two movies. Three if they’re all short, and if I’m efficient with channel flipping and dvd swapping.

Last night I tried to watch 3 movies, but the first movie was so boring I couldn’t help but stop watching it. And if you read last week about my OCD around movies you’ll know that this means the movie must be really really really really boring and/or bad. This week I tried to watch “The Return” featuring Sarah Michelle Gellar, but after about 30 minutes when nothing had happened, I just turned it off in favor of my Netflixed dvd of The Avengers. And let me tell you something- the Avengers sucked. I’m not sure whose idea it was to have two people with British accents banter back and forth and occaisionally swap relatively not unfunny puns, punctuating the dialogue every thirty minutes or so with a stingy dose of action, but that person should be dragged through a swimming pool of peanut butter and thrown to grizzly bears.

Lucky for me Cinemax was showing A History of Violence, so I was able to watch SOMETHING that was good. So good, in fact, that when Mrs. ACW walked in the door during the last 5 minutes of the movie, the douchebag Sherlock decided to scamper out the front door and hide under the neighbor’s porch. Thanks a lot, fucker! So instead of lounging on the couch and watching the conclusion to an exciting movie, I was shoulder deep in 200 years of leaf detritus trying to get a hold of the walking shit factory.

I made it back inside just in time to see the credits rolling! Argh! You have no idea how crazy this makes someone like me. I can’t function. It’s like someone switched the prescription on my glasses without telling me, and I just have to deal with it. Add to that the fact that I don’t even have my own computer to work on today, and thus can’t search the internets for the final scene, and you’ll realize that I’m starting to mentally unravel at the seams.

Don’t be surprised if posts for the rest of this week amount to nothing more than, “Teddy bear want my bear teddy bear bear blanket where’s my bear blanket teaddy bear blanket bear teddy bear picnic tea party teddy bear picnic bear blanket satan bear blanket teddy satan bear ba’al teddy Beelzebub satan satan Lucifer bear hail satan satan sacrifice human sacrifice hail satan kill eat souls rend this world in twain and banish all souls to eternal torment and strife when a black icy wave of abysmal darkness envelops this plane of existence and expels all but hatred from the hearts of men teddy bear.”

I guess this is like a press conference, or something

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on January 29, 2008 @ 9:57 am
in meta blogging
. 15 Comments

I knew people would have a personal reaction to that announcement. I have known plenty of blogs that have shuttered over the years, some unexpectedly, some I knew would end from the very beginning, and some gave advance notice. For each and every one of those blogs I had some type of reaction along the lines of, “Damn.” Sometimes more angry than that, sometimes more sad, but always, “Damn.”

I know a lot of people read my blog, and I appreciate that. Back when I started I had no idea what this was going to turn into, or how it would turn out, but I’d be lying if I didn’t flirt with the idea of having millions of readers. Yes. I was that stupid. So logging on every morning and finding 15 people that found something I wrote stupid/funny/offensive enough to comment on was awesome. Every time I refresh my aggregator and see new comments have appeared it’s like a tiny little present. And because I’m OCD I delay my gratification and let that bold link sit there with it’s bright red asterisk next to it until I can’t stand it anymore, and then I click over to see what someone has said. Every time it’s as awesome as the first time I ever got a comment.

So yeah, I’m losing something too. I’m not going to have those comments to open anymore. I’m not going to have this outlet to be as ridiculously obscene as possible. I won’t be able to regularly push the limits of socially acceptable manners. I’m going to lose a big chunk of community. This isn’t a decision I’ve reached lightly, but after 4 years the bad has begun to look like it’s going to outweigh the good soon, and I don’t want it to end like that. I don’t want to fade out with once-monthly updates that sound apathetic and soulless.

And while I appreciate everything everyone has said, positive or negative, I’ve made up my mind on this. I didn’t anticipate having to write a blog post like this, so I’m a bit at a loss for words. I guess I’ll just spend the time I would have spent blogging responding to comments that people have starting with the ones from yesterday, and then moving on to any that crop up today. Tomorrow, it’s back to dick and fart jokes.

The announcement

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on January 28, 2008 @ 9:43 am
in meta blogging and the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs
. 43 Comments

Because I already hated having to put a post saying I was going to make an announcement, and because it drives me absolutely kitten-punchingly bonkers when people bury their announcement in a mountain of indecipherable, sophomoric prose and put the most important piece of information at the end of the post, forcing you to wade through metaphors so forced that if you used the same force to pass a toilet baby you’d give yourself an aneurysm, I’m giving you my announcement up front:

August 27th, 2008, will be the last time this blog is updated. And just to be absolutely clear, I’m not transferring domain names, I’m not starting this blog somewhere else, I’m not doing anything. This blog will be done. There will be no more posts or updates, and once the domain expires, it’ll be gone forever.

Sure, if something remarkable happens, like me coming into a ton of money, I’ll of course pop in for one last, “Ha ha suckers, I can buy and sell your asses now,” but that’ll be it. Chances are extremely super-duper strong that this site won’t be updated again after August 27th.

I’ve got my reasons after the jump, but I don’t want anyone to feel compelled to read that garbage, so you can skip along now, if you’d like.

Continue reading ‘The announcement’

I don’t really get letters

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on January 10, 2008 @ 9:03 am
in driving, meta blogging, necrophilia, potty humor, suhmuhmuh bitch, the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs, travel and work
. 13 Comments

I get letters:

Dear ACW,
Recently, your blog has less content than a fortune cookie. WTF?
A Devoted Yet Critical Reader

Dear Mr. Coworker,
Will you please blog about necrophilia some more? I grow weary of hearing about the living.
Jerry “The Mausoleum Molester” Michaels

Dear Anonymouscoworker,
When are you going to come meet your new baby?
JWER’s mom

What can I say? I haven’t really had anything to write about. I mean, some fur-coated wantwit in a Mercedes cut me off this morning on the on ramp to the highway, and then slowed to well below the speed limit making our upcoming merge into highway traffic nigh impossible, until suddenly traffic cleared and she merged across three lanes into the fast lane where she continued to drive 30 miles below the speed limit while I drove past in the right lane, happy to have her idiocy behind me. But I can’t even get up the proper level of rage to do that justice. I’m really just the picture of apathy.

Worse still, I’ll be out of the office from this coming Sunday until the Tuesday or Wednesday the week after that, and when I’m out of the office little to no blogging occurs. Maybe it’ll recharge the batteries. I don’t know.

Ugh, now I sound all maudlin and whiny. Let’s see, how to remedy maudlin and whiny?

Um… penis?

It’s three more things, but that third one is kind of weak

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on December 21, 2007 @ 8:49 am
in Glen Burnie, house, meta blogging, nerd stuff, potty humor, suhmuhmuh bitch, the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs, word nerd and work
. 14 Comments

1) I woke up this morning to a cacophony of noise. I’ll wait while you go look that up.

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else…

Oh, you’re back. Didn’t see you there. Anyway, when I woke up there was a helicopter hovering overhead; the apartment complex next door had the landscaping people out to mow the non-existent grass; my Roomba, Roombie, was vacuuming and caroming around the house; and Sherlock and Wookie were tear-assing around the house in a game I like to call, “I will punch you each in the goddamned cat-colon if you don’t settle the fuck down.”

The irony is, this is the first day of my winter vacation*, and my first chance to sleep in has already been ruined. I forsee cats chained to litter boxes in the near future.

2) A conversation recently had by my brothers and I about our new extended-family email list; a list created exclusively for news, planning, and information, and not idiotic email forwards. My uncle is the offender I’m referring to in this case.

Me: So which one of you guys is going to lay the smacketh down for this? I know you’re thinking, “Oh, it’s Christmas, it’ll be fine.” And I’m thinking the same thing. But by March our inboxes will be overflowing
with urban legends about email causing cancer, animated jpegs of the baby Jesus, and every other unfunny piece of nonsense that clogs up the ‘tubes.

Desk Job: [sends regulating email to entire family]

Desk Job: [to me and Mokie] Hope the whole family doesn’t hate me now.

Me: I think you’re fine. You did a pretty good job of putting it diplomatically. Plus, if they give you any trouble you can just shove (your two and a half week old son)** in their face and they’ll settle down.

Mokie: Alternatively, if you need to get some distance, just throw him like a football. I bet that little guy makes a pretty good spiral.

Me: Mokie! That is uncalled for! He is a baby. Do you have any sense? You don’t throw babies. You punt them.

Desk Job: You’re both a bunch of jerks. If you punt a baby he’ll get hurt. If you throw a baby, someone will probably catch him, and the spiral of baby vomit will hit lots of bystandards.

Mokie: I really hope your spelling of “bystandards” was an intentional mashing-together of “bystander” and “retard.” I nominate it for word of the year.

Desk Job: Uh, yeah, that’s it. Shut up.

3) Wookie just jumped in my lap and put her butt in my face, and it smelled like kibbles. Not like butt. Not like butt and kibbles. Just kibbles. Somehow, that was more horrifying.

*As such, blogging will be light from now to January 2, but I’ll be sure to pop in from time to time. If you had an RSS reader, this wouldn’t be such a big deal.

**Yeah, my older brother be-nephewed me a few weeks ago. No, I don’t tell you everything because it’s not necessarily any of your goddamned business.

Bad Behavior has blocked 783 access attempts in the last 7 days.