Archive for the 'jesus is fo' shizzle' Category

Dear Hollywood,

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on March 6, 2006 @ 9:06 am
in bitches, jesus is fo' shizzle, movies, music and suhmuhmuh bitch
. 27 Comments

First of all, thank you. Jon Stewart was great. If there was a man that I would hump to death purely for sport, it would be Jon Stewart, every time, no matter what the restraining order says. Second of all, thanks for keeping it short. I can only drink so many 1.5 liter bottles of wine before I start getting stabby and drunkenly weaving ACWF to the hospital for minor lacerations… again. Keeping it to just about 3 hours keeps me to about 750 ml of wine, and ACWF stab-wound free. Who says Hollywood isn’t looking out for the ladies?

But, seriously Hollywood. The Three 6 Mafia? Are you retarded? I understand that you’re all about “blackness” since you deigned to give Halle Berry and Jamie Foxx the first ever Best Actress and Best Actor awards respectively, but really, don’t try to play like you’re all about the hip-hop culture when it’s clear that you don’t know shit. You got your voting forms in the mail, you listened to the samples, you thought to yourself, “Well, this new jungle music sure is wiggedy-fly!” and then you voted for it because you’re an idiot.

Are you really trying to tell us that the uninspired, trite, repetitive, manufactured bullshit that you and the Three 6 Mafia passed off as original “music” can really qualify for a freakin’ OSCAR for Best Original Song? I don’t think they would have earned a Grammy for this song, and just about everybody has a Grammy. Hell, I have seven of them. Were you trying to be sarcastic? Maybe you were going for “Alanis” ironic and no one got it. Either way, as farcical as this award ceremony has become, not to mention how commercial (these Oscars brought to you by an orgiastic bevy of products that claim to make you hotter, thinner, and cooler), even the Three 6 Mafia were far beyond respectable levels of satire.

If you were shooting for satire, I think you’ve reached a level of satire where this award would be the same as Johnathan Swift doing a reading of A Modest Proposal while eating a LIVE IRISH BABY. You overshot your mark, Oscars, and you did it with the most volatile force of nature… hip-hop.

Have you any idea of what you’ve done? No, no, of course not. Well, let me tell you. Right now, all across the country, black youths are ignoring the Oscars. Why? Because it’s irrelevant to them. In 78 years you’ve allowed two [glancing in either direction as well as over my shoulder before whispering] Negroes [looking around nervously] to win some very special awards, so I hope you can see why they wouldn’t really be interested in your vast ocean of honkies.

At the same time, idiotic white children are logging on to iTunes RIGHT NOW and downloading Three 6 Mafia songs AT RANDOM! They don’t care if they get Gee Whiz It’s Difficult to Collect My Earnings as a Pimp, or I Krunked up My Jiggy-Cup Now Suckle On My Dingle-Dangle, or Hoes Can Be Like Niggas*, or Slob on my Knob (part II)*. TRL will be playing Three 6 Mafia within the week, and by this summer Three 6 Mafia will have a contract to write the next 2,000 jingles you see on TV or hear on the radio. Is that what you were really after white, Oscar-watching America? I don’t think so, or else you wouldn’t have been such bitches about Brokeback Mountain. Just let the fellas hump for chrissakes. Jesus doesn’t care. To be honest, he wishes you would stop bitching about a movie you haven’t even seen.

In conclusion, you stupid cracker-ass crackers, you did this to yourselves. You’ve had dozens of chances to profile some real, positive hip-hop throughout the years, but instead you chose the Three 6 Mafia. You chose a band who wrote a song titled Lick My (sic) Nutts*. Shame on you. I can’t wait for your own pale, jersey-attired, Fubu-wearing, cracker-ass, trailer-trash children to beat you to death. I hate you.

*Real titles of Three 6 Mafia songs. This is so depressing.

Last Weekend part 2

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on February 27, 2006 @ 7:30 am
in Mrs. ACW, atheism!, beer, bitches, food, jesus is fo' shizzle, potty humor, suhmuhmuh bitch and travel
. 17 Comments

Okay, so where did I leave off… oh yeah…

Lucky for us, it started to snow when we were driving to Ithaca and just as we were about to arrive in downtown Ithaca, Mokie’s car went into a skid!

…but he recovered quickly and the rest of the drive was uneventful. We found the Motel 6 without any trouble, and once we had paid for two hours of shower time, we all lumbered into the room.

We decided a showering order based on our average showering times, and with me clocking in just under a half-hour, I was going to be last to shower. So I went about the task of plugging in cell-phone chargers, the digital camera chargers, and the Lil’ Carny Taffy Pulling Machine that I take with me everywhere (only 6 payments of $199.99 and it fits in the trunk of most large SUVs!). I also used the opportunity to crank the heat up to 11 and turn the television on to rent us up some porno. King Kong Vs. the Vampire Slut Queen was only $39.95.

After our showers, and after having to answer WAY too many questions about why a vampire fighting an oversized gorilla would suddenly start in with the anal action in the middle of the fight, we left the comforts of the motel room and went across the street to the supermarket. We stocked up on necessities (booze, things to mix with booze, and water (for flushing poop)), grabbed a quick bite to eat, and were back on the road to Noelectricityville in the county of Jesuschristit’scoldoutsideburg, township Therearefreshpoopciclesinthetoilet.

On the way back we passed the Museum of the Earth so we decided to stop in and have a look. I was pretty impressed until I found out that they thought the world was billions of years old. I couldn’t find one single resource in the whole museum that had the accurate truth on it; that a team of omnipotent Superfriends (Jesus, his dad/self/God, and their/his spooky-buddy/self/dad) left behind puddles of Holy goo and then zapped it with their lightening-vision 5000 years ago to create the Garden of Eden.

After we burned the museum to the ground for being sacrilegious (but not before we got some sacreliscious Darwin Double-Chocolate Fudge from the Gift Shop) we got back on the road to the house. The aunt and uncle called to let us know they’d be up there soon, so we hauled ass in order to get some water into their toilets. We thought that would be a nice gesture after they’d let us use their house while they were away. A nicer gesture, at least, than them finding us drunk, unbathed, and with their toilets overflowing with two days worth of collected filth and vileness.

We were able to straighten, re-organize, and flush just about everything that was out of order before they arrived. We had been hoping that fate would have brought the power with them, but instead fate just brought a kerosene heater.

A kerosene heater!

We fired up that little tin cylinder of sweet, hot joy so quickly that if it had been a woman the heater would have slapped us for trying to get into her kerosene-fueled panties before even asking for a phone number. A warm, orange, glowing phone number of ice-melting proportions.

About five minutes later, the power came back on.

We were all happy, but no one was as happy as our ladies, both of whom struggled to use the bathroom as frequently as possible now that they could do so with reckless abandon, to the point that ACWF almost suffered an embolism after going for a bathroom-trip hat trick in under seven minutes.

We spent the rest of the weekend as we spend most weekends in New York, by drinking and going to wineries, and if my aunt and uncle hadn’t been so deathly ill, the second half of the weekend would have more than made up for the first half, but as it stands, the good evenly matched the bad, so all in all, I’d say it was an average weekend on the Fun-o-meter.

Speaking of the Fun-o-meter, right now it’s clocking about negative hojillion badillion. I hate to gripe, but it’s my blog, so you can shut the eff up and go check your myspace account if you don’t like it, but ACWF had some sort of illness on Friday and Saturday, and on Sunday I ate a dogy piece of bacon, and subsequently lost 8 pounds overnight. Anyone else interested in my new diet plan can send cash ACW care of ACW Super Duper Bacon Diet. You get one piece of bacon and a Hefty bag, so use them wisely.

Adventures in Food

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on February 6, 2006 @ 3:34 pm
in Mrs. ACW, food, jesus is fo' shizzle and necrophilia
. 19 Comments

Friday night ACWF and I were pretty tired. We didn’t really want to go out, but we also knew that if we went home we’d just go to sleep. And going to sleep at 9 pm on a Saturday just isn’t an option. Unless you’re some kind of weird person that does weird things like that. I also suspect people like that are primarily responsible for 90% of all 7 am lawnmowings and 50% of all 6 am jackhammerings and 32% of all 5 am gang wars with semi-automatic weapons, followed by a quick bite at Denny’s. Jerks.

So, as we’re driving to our house, we see a restaurant where I’ve always wanted to eat. It’s Korean/Japanese, and the parking lot is always empty. So you know that’s a good thing. It’s like a hot dog cart crawling with vermin. It’s got to be delicious. We decided to swing in for a quick bite just to see what the place was all about.

My first inclination that things were going to be interesting was when I noticed that the only English on the whole place was the neon sign by the door that said “Open”. We walked though the door and a diminutive Korean lady chirped at us in Korean, then English. In English she said, “You want eat? Two? Sit down?” and in English, because we have the dual, combined, 8+ years of college schooling in English, we said, “Yes.”

She sat us in the middle of the restaurant, and as there were only two other groups of people dining, it was easy for us to see that we were the only Whitey McRoundeyes in the place, and that we were also the only ones who were speaking conversational English. I knew then that we had stumbled on to a gold mine. No dumb locals. No spoiled, screaming, American children. No stupid memorabilia on the walls. No inoffensive music piped in through the ceiling.

The waitress came over with two menus and a pitcher of water. She took our water glasses, filled them, and sat them back down in front of us as we tried to read our menus. I looked up at her as she stepped back to walk away, and she smiled at me, so I smiled back. I lowered my menu and noticed that my water was brown and steaming. Uh oh. Maybe I was wrong about this place after all. Were they stealing water from the gas station next door? I took a sip… it was tea! She poured us a pint of tea! It was delicious tea, too, with very light hints of honey and citrus. I’d come back to this place for the tea alone. I might have to come back without ACWF though, because I’m sure she’d be weirded out by my humping the tea kettle in the kitchen. Other people might be weirded out too, but I’m not marrying those people, so I don’t care.

The menu itself was also quite an adventure. It was primarily in Korean but had some English subtitles, but frequently, it wasn’t enough to know anything about what we were ordering. A typical page looked like this.

10) Koreankoreankoreankoreankorean
Smothered

11) Korean koreankoreankorean korean
Chicken with

12) Korean koreankorean koreankorean
Smothered

13) Korean korean korean
Korean hatchpatch with fatback

14) Korean korean koreankorean
Smothered

15) Koreankorean koreankorean
Japanese fried

I got number 13, the “hodgepodge”. ACWF got something with a little bit more description. I think hers said, “Chicken fried pork with vegetable”.

While we were waiting for our food, they brought out a half-dozen tiny dishes of different edible treats. Most of it was quite tasty, and we assumed it was some sort of complimentary side item. Then they brought out dumplings and about 4 more tiny dishes of food. We thoroughly enjoyed the dumplings, and all the extra side dishes, but our small table was getting crowded with little plates of food. I assumed this all was my hodge-podge, and that we were just waiting for ACWF’s food. I had no idea how she was going to eat it thought, because with all the little dishes, there was no more room. That’s when they brought out our food.

ACWF got a large plate of pork and vegetables, and a side of white rice. I got four frigging gallons of soup. The petite Korean hostess had to carry it with both arms because of how huge it was. She reminded me of a Leprechaun trying to heave a pot of gold around. They sat the giant, mixing-bowl sized container in front of me, and the woman said, “Spicy noodles. You like?” I told her that I liked spicy, and we dug in.

It was certainly a hodgepodge too. It was noodles, squid, chicken, vegetables, mushrooms, pork, vegetables, mussels, clams, fatback, and pretty much whatever else they found laying around in the kitchen.

As I was pulling apart my clam the waitress brought over ANOTHER plate of food. “Mackerel!” she squealed with delight, then, “You like fish?” We told her that we liked fish, and she set the fish down in front of us. It looked like it had been cooked on a spit over a fire. It’s head and tail were still in place, but it had been gutted, and tiny fillets had been notched out of the sides. All we had to do was pull off the meat. And damn was it delicious. I’ve eaten all types of fish from all types of areas, and I’ve never had fish that tasted so good. Even ACWF, who hates fish that tastes like fish (psycho), loved this charred piece of swimming Jesus.

I was very proud of ACWF because she’s a finicky eater. There’s lots of stuff she won’t eat, or won’t even try, or sometimes she vomits when you mention a word that SOUNDS like a food she doesn’t like, but she was game for just about everything that was set on our table. Though, she wouldn’t eat any of the tentacles out of my soup. I told her that I had plenty enough to share, but she wouldn’t even eat a tiny one. For some reason she was especially disgusted when I slurped one back so fast that it came out my nose. Though the suction cups held it to my face pretty well.

I’m sorry to put up such a long post about a dinner that we had, but it was really good, and lots of fun, and I’d recommend it to anybody in the Baltimore area. I promise to go back to talking about poop and porking the dead tomorrow.

He’s stupid. Stop buying his stuff.

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on January 20, 2006 @ 9:53 am
in bitches, jesus is fo' shizzle and suhmuhmuh bitch
. 15 Comments

I already thought the “meeting people online” businesses were kind of shady to begin with, and that image wasn’t improved when I found out that Match.com was trying to trick people into renewing their membership fees by sending them on dates with Match.com employees posing as interested parties.

Add to that the rumors that employees at Match.com are jumping ship at an alarming rate and you’ve already got yourself a less than reputable company.

If you’re still not swayed by such things, this final link should put the nail in the coffin. Match.com has teamed up with Dr. Phil to ruin their customer’s lives.

I know that if I were using Match.com I’d be thrilled at the prospect of a fat, bald man with a history of divorce giving me dating advice. Where do I sign up?!

I can imagine that Dr. Phil’s advice for you from Match.com would go something like this:

“Dr. Phil, can you help me find a mate?”

“Why don’t you shut your stupid whiny mouth you idiot! Can’t you see I’m cramming fat wads of twenties up my ass?! No matter what idiot thing I say or do, you retards keep buying my shit and taking my advice. You bunch of fucking lemmings. I should just tell you all to become members of my personal army so I can conquer the damn world and have women with low self esteem rub oil all over my bald head. I think I’m going to call my next book, ‘Why don’t you just send me some money and kill yourself?’ because at least that way I wouldn’t have work my lazy ass up to write a sequel. You dumb twats will really do anything I say. Won’t you? I can’t believe that I can be such a humongous piece of dopey shit and people continue to quote me like I’m some kind of fat Jesus. I bet Jesus never made people cry on Oprah. In fact I know he didn’t because Jesus is a little bitch and I wrestled him buck naked in the mud for twenty minutes before I broke his neck, and skullfucked him just to put him in his place. Then I tilted my face toward heaven and said, ‘Who’s your daddy now, bitch?’ and it was at that point that I became God. So instead of asking me stupid questions, just give me your cash and make your mouth useful… on my nuts.’

“Uh, thanks?”

“Less talky, more sucky.”

I predict Match.com will be an all masochist site within the month.

Thanks

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on January 13, 2006 @ 1:53 pm
in atheism!, contests, games, jesus is fo' shizzle, jokes, meta blogging, necrophilia, potty humor and zombies
. 16 Comments

I’m not really sure how to deal with being a finalist for the Most Humorous Blog award for the 2006 Best of Blogs award thing. For one thing, there are some other folks who I think would have been much better choices for the finals because they crack me up on a daily basis, while I continue to make jokes about poop. Dick and fart jokes are my bread and butter. Those other bloggers who should have been in the finals are all class. At the same time I seem to put the “ass” in “class”.

I guess this all is my way of saying, “Shucks, I’d be honored if you voted for me, even though you’re probably hilariouser than I am.”

My opponents might try to “Swift Boat” me, but I’m going to stop them from doing that here and now by admitting something to you, the voting public. Yes, I manually masturbate animals for a living. Yes, I do it while in full kabuki attire. Yes, I frequently kill puppies and kittens on my way to work and eat a fresh, human baby (white) for lunch each day. Yes, I take time off for Satanic holidays. Yes, I love my job.

Just like Jesus, but he delivers pizzas

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on January 12, 2006 @ 10:12 am
in jesus is fo' shizzle, movies and zombies
. 6 Comments

Sometimes your world goes grey. Everything seems like a chore. Nothing you do is fulfilling in any way. Food tastes bland, your life is boring, and you can’t shake an overwhelming feeling of dread.

Life has you by the nuts, and you can’t help but notice that Life’s hands are cold. Cold and unfriendly. Cold, and unfriendly, and tying you down so that you can’t move when Life decides to jump on your balls with ugly platform disco shoes with dead fish in the heels.

No, I haven’t seen Hostel yet. Why do you ask?

However, every now and then somebody comes along and does something so nice, and so unexpected, that you can’t help but think the world is a better place.

So, Mr. Snay, thank you for sending me this. It’s awesome, and you’ve restored my faith in humanity. May your tips be nothing but fellatio and handfuls of twenties for the rest of your days.

I blame you, perverts

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on January 5, 2006 @ 1:19 pm
in jesus is fo' shizzle, meta blogging and potty humor
. 8 Comments

I was just checking how people found my site, because from time to time it tends to be hilarious and not the usual “email coworker” or “tell a coworker you love them” crap, and I came up with some WEIRD search results. I don’t usually do this, but I’m going to put the creepier search terms toward the bottom. Not because I care about your sensibilities, but because I’d prefer you weren’t fired for the perversion of other people stumbling across my site.

Here’s the tame stuff with my comments in italics:

coworker humor see? boring.
vomit nose
nugget maven
vomit nasal passage
nose vomit There appears to be some kind of theme…
charlie foxtrot
milk duds
what do you do with incourageable children sell them for parts?
kenny bania pictures
baha beach club baltimore pictures I feel inclined to add that the Baja Beach Club sucks saggy, baggy elephant balls
shrimp salad safety
similie funny -poetry contest
mixture for frosted eggnog
ian san francisco dating 2005 allison -hotel
relieve my full bladder Just point and shoot buddy
silk soy chai
how to blow smoke rings
weird words dilly-dally
hem own jeans
jesus wept
throw up without food in nose

more

leaking nipples well, I guess this isn’t really that bad
snowmen with dildo noses What? You sick fuck! That’s so weird!
braid pubic Okay, gross. Gross if you were looking for pictures, grosser if you were looking for techniques
full bladder shower I’m silently hoping that they’re not looking for golden shower information. Well, if they weren’t before, they will be now.
gerbils up your butt gerbils up YOUR butt, jerkass

My gift to you…

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on December 25, 2005 @ 10:06 am
in atheism! and jesus is fo' shizzle
. 4 Comments

is here.

If you celebrate Christmas, have a great day. If not, have a great day.

Answers part 3

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on December 12, 2005 @ 3:00 pm
in Mrs. ACW, atheism!, devil cat, horror, jesus is fo' shizzle, movies and nerd stuff
. 8 Comments

From Stick: If you were to roll over in the morning to find me, in all my buff, slobbery, naked glory, what would you make me for breakfast? Would you prepare my biscuits and gravy with a side of over-easy eggs flanked with two sausage links, half of grapefruit and a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice, no pulp? That’s what I thought.

You’d be lucky if I gave you cab fare when I kicked you out of bed at three in the morning. At the very least, though, I’d give you a can of Spaghettios.

From mokiejovis: What is your favorite color?
Blue, no, yellow. Agggghhhh!

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

That depends. Are we talking about an African or European swallow?

From JenL: Do you know the way to San Jose? Sure, but it’s going to be different from Baltimore than from where you are in California.

Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop? I read about this in one of Dan Brown’s books. It turns out that it was the Knights Templar in collusion with the Illuminati.

Why do fools fall in love?
Because they’re tired of falling down the steps.

How can you mend a broken heart?
Given the medical breakthroughs we’ve seen in the past 50 years, cures for heart problems rage from minor surgery, major bio-organic operations, and full organ replacement. All are costly, and you should talk to your doctor before undergoing any medical procedure.

From Huw: The revolution has come. Your comrades grant you six bullets. Which six people do you line up against the wall? But why?
Damn good question, Huw. I think I’d start with Karl Rove because he seems to be the source of the cesspool that is modern politics in the USA.

After that I’d grab that no-talent assclown John Edward, from the show Crossing Over, because he’s a liar, a charlatan, and he gets off on the pain of others.

This is a good question because I’m having trouble thinking of 6 people that I dislike so intensely that I want them to die. I assume that the revolution has already eliminated Osama bin Laden, but if not, he’d go next because he’s the douchebag’s douchebag.

After that I think it would be Saddam Hussein, Omar Hasan Ahmad al-Bashir, and Kim Jong Il, because they’re also douchebags of the highest magnitude.

When was the last time you broke something that didn’t belong to you and pretended it wasn’t you? Details too!
I can’t really say for sure about this one, because as I’ve grown up I’ve found it much easier to say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve broken this, I can replace it, I’m very sorry. Would you like to have sex?” that it would be to engage in a crazy scenario like in a sitcom where people are running around like chickens with their heads off trying to cover up their lie. (By the way, it was the color printer at work, and I just pretended like I had never used it before.)

You are going to die tomorrow. What will you make sure you do on your last day?
I would make sure that I would eat everything that I love (cheese steak subs, bacon, eggnog, iced cream, pizza) and I’d also sample every recreational drug I could get my hands on. My last day would be devoted to hedonism.

From Ian: My Q??
would u ever sleep with me?
Ian, you know that you would be the first person I would have sex with if I were into guys. Unfortunately, for you, but fortunately for ACWF, I’m into the ladies.

no really.
Q. give me 5 reasons to erase, kill, murder, vaporize, shoot… well u got my point(each):
1.Madonna- She’s over the hill, she’s embarrassing the British, her music is repetitive and shallow, she’s the spokeswoman for a pseudo-religion, and she’s not that cute
2.britney- She’s dumb, she’s ugly, she needs to be punished for Federline, her music needs to end, and she’s not fit to be a parent
3.Babs Walters- That speech impediment is ridiculous, she’s as much a journalist these days as Joan Rivers, she’s old anyway, she’s got nothing to say anymore, and she could be replaced by somebody hot
4.G.W.BUSH- He’s dumb, he’s driven a wedge into the political and social fiber of the United States, he’s a liar, he’s a hypocrite, he’s a cokehead

From Lori: are you an organ donor?
Of all the questions that have been asked of me so far, I actually find this one to be the most strange. Lori, yes, I am an organ donor. What the hell good are they going to do me once I’m dead? I used to subscribe to the conspiracy theory that if I were near dead they would off me so some rich guy could have my liver, but even if that’s the case, feh. What are you going to do?

From Doug: What is the meaning of MY life?
Doug, I’ve only been reading you blog for a short period of time, but I can tell you EXACTLY what the meaning of your life is. This goes for everybody else as well.

The use of energy. The purpose of your life is to consume enough resources for you to keep living, thereby using energy. Once you’ve used up enough energy, you’ll die, decompose, and then be used as someone or something else’s energy. Circle of life, Doug. It’s beautiful thing. Jobs, families, hobbies, etc. are all peripheral. They can help you use more energy faster, or more efficiently, but when it comes right down to it, all you have to do is keep living to know that the meaning of life is to keep living. It’s beautiful in its simplicity.

More from Deanne: How is it that you ended up with such good questions?
Well it appears that everyone that reads my blog is a pervert, so I suggest you start reaching out to your perverse readers.

And why am I jealous?
I have no idea. Would you be jealous of a porn star who could double-fill each orifice? I didn’t think so.

Answers on a postcard. Heh, you wish.

From Glitzy: Would you and ACWF consider getting Sherlock a kitty friend? We have considered getting him a kitty friend, but I don’t think it would be the right thing to do at this point since we’re coming into such a busy holiday season. It might be something we could do for the summer, but we’re getting married, so I don’t think that would work either. Maybe it’s something we can consider after we get back from the honeymoon. I think two cats would be plenty in our little house.

What’s your take on organized religion?
I’m not a fan of it. I think that many religions have lots of great ideas at their core: Be nice to people, don’t be mean, etc. I think the problem is that religion is supposed to be spiritual, and in my opinion, spirituality is something personal. When religion becomes a place of evangelizing, and marketing, and group-think is where I think it becomes troublesome. And I don’t think you can blame the religion itself, or the particular deities of that religion for the problems. The problems lie squarely on the people who run the religions and the people who practice the religion who are insincere, or hypocrites, or both. I find a lot of satisfaction in acting kindly to my fellow human without having to confer with anyone, or any deity, about it first.

Do you have a favorite movie?
This is a tough damn question as I consider myself a bit of a cinephile. Instead of trying to pick a favorite movie, I’ll tell you what I look for in a good movie. I like a movie to have engaging characters, an interesting story, a willingness to take risks, an artful composition, and that also treats the intelligence of the audience with respect. I can find good things about almost any movie, but the ones I love fit generally into the requirements above.

Part 4 coming soon.

Answers part 1

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on December 12, 2005 @ 8:46 am
in atheism!, horror, jesus is fo' shizzle and necrophilia
. 9 Comments

There’s no way to go about this other than just diving right in, so…

From CBK: Have you ever tried cocaine?
How do you think I keep this blog going? Idle hours and a joy of writing? Nope. It’s never been offered to me, and it’s one of those drugs that always terrified me.

Have you and ACWF ever had a threesome with someone else?
Well, it depends on what your definition of “threesome” is. If you mean the two of us having sex with another person, the answer is no. If you meant something else, the answer is still no.

Have you ever hit a domesticated animal/pet while driving a car?
Um, I don’t think so. The only animal I can actually recall hitting would be a squirrel, and they’re pretty much rats with furry tails, (which reminds me, I used to go out of my way to try to hit the rats in Baltimore City) so no one would care anyway.

What personal habit of ACWF’s do you find repulsive?
I don’t think she has any habits that I find repulsive, except that she refuses to wash her hands after she goes to the bathroom.

I’m just kidding. There’s really nothing she does that I find repulsive, but it drives me freaking bonkers that she can’t squeeze the toothpaste from the tube in such a way that she doesn’t send half the toothpaste to the ass end of the tube. Is it really that hard, woman? Is it!?

Why haven’t you voted for Miss World on my blog yet?
I did. I voted for Mexico. Have a little patience, sheesh. Everyone else should go vote too.

From Manica: What’s your favourite colour?
That’s a tough one. I really like cobalt blue, but there’s beauty also in black, crimson, and gold as well.

How old are you?
25

Do you prefer cats or dogs?
I think I prefer cats, because cats are a little bit less “gamey” than dogs. Plus you can find more recipes for them. Cats are easier to take care of. It only took one day to train Sherlock not to crap on the floor or pee in his food.

Do you really want to have sex with me? Admit it, I know you do.
In a different world at a different time I’d probably have sex with lots of people, but ACWF is the only one now.

From Kendra: what does your “o” face look like? (this question should be answered in msn paint format)
Okay.

what do you think of me?
I think you’re funny, friendly, and seem like a pretty cool chick. Definitely a blogger I’d like to meet.

how did you know you wanted to marry acwf?
I knew I wanted to marry ACWF because she made my heart go pitter pat, and it was as if angels were singing every time she came around. Everybody done vomiting a little in their mouths? Good. Seriously, I knew I wanted to marry ACWF for a few simple and fairly superficial reasons. 1) I found her attractive and she was a dynamo in the sack. 2) She liked to have fun and wasn’t afraid to look like a goofball doing so. 3) She liked horror movies, Adult Swim, and Calvin and Hobbes. 4) She cracks me up.

if mariah carey and paris hilton were having a duel, who would you want to win?
Well, I’d really hope that both died, but I guess if I had to choose one to win, it would be Paris, becuase at least she doesn’t sing.

From Bliss: What’s the capital of Zimbabwe?
Google says… I mean- I already knew the capital was Harare.

Nog – nutmeg, or brandy?
Oooh. Good one. Um, it really depends on the situation, but most of the time I’ll actually choose nutmeg.

Do you agree or disagree that stochastic modeling provides an appropriate mathmatical basis to determine population growth rates, especially in developing Malthusian populations?
Um, I think uh, that, um, uh when considering elements of stochastic modeling with regard to population growth rates one has to consider whether or not Markov chains and processes are being utilized and applied correctly, which may not even matter when realizing that Malthusian population theory has been generally dismissed for its pessimism and failure to take into account technological advances in agriculture and food production.

And, most importantly, When I die, do I have to put a lock on my casket to keep you out?
The lock is only going to slow me down, baby.

From the Lorider: what color is your tongue?
Lemme check. … Oh sweet merciful crap it’s green! Oh what does this mean? Am I dying, or have I just had too many eggnogs with green food dye? … So, yeah, it’s pink. Pinkish. Kind of a pink-y type color.

how many words per minute do you type?
With my robot hand, it’s about 2000. Very lamely, with my human hand, it’s only about 56 words per minute.

on a scale of 2-14,(14 being most concerned) how concerend are you with correct spelling?
Well, it depends, really. If we’re talking about information being distributed by a professional agency, 14. If we’re talking about an instant message between friends, maybe a 7. Nothing below a 7 though, because we need to spell things correctly most of the time in order to communicate effectively. You can’t just drop numbers out of an equation and expect to get the same result, and you can’t just drop letters out of a word and expect everyone to understand either.

how many childhood friends are you still in touch with (please round to the nearest prime number)?
This depends on what you mean by childhood, and what you mean by still in touch with. I’m in close contact with 1 person that I’d consider a childhood friend, and close to marginal contact with 3 people I would consider childhood friends. And 3 is prime, so my answer is three.

do you believe in god? and what was your religious upbringing?
I don’t belive in god, God, gods, or goddesses. I was brought up Catholic, and at first it was fine. Then I started having problems with the institution of the Church. Then I started having problems with the religion itself. Then I started having problems with all religions. I went from Theistic Agnosticism, to Agnosticism, to Atheism over the course of a few years after that. I’ve been an atheist for about 5 years.

From Deanne: Uhhh crap – I hate thinking of questions. I’ll ask you a question I got asked – what one person has had the most influence on your life?
Many people have influenced my life in positive and negative ways, but if I have to name one person that had the perfect amount of influence, I’d have to name Bob Marley. Though I never met the guy, I first heard his music when I was on a two-week backpacking trip in New Mexico. I was 15 years old, and I had never been on a plane, and I had never really left my home state. Through a couple of interesting coincidences, I was able to listen to Bob Marley when there should have been no radios or stereos for miles. These snatches of music, coupled with days on end of being able to lock myself inside my own brain while we were hiking completely changed me as a person. I was an angry kid with low self-esteem and horrific problem with the truth. When I came home from the trip I had mellowed out, opened my mind to new ideas, and changed the way I looked at the world. I became more self assured, and I started thinking positively. I can’t convey enough how that trip helped move me from a place of darkness and hatred to a place of happiness and contentment. Because of that, I have to give the influence to Bob Marley.

AND

Whats the meanest thing you’ve ever done?
I think the meanest thing I’ve ever done was blow off my friend Megan. In the summer after I returned from New Mexico I was suddenly being noticed by the ladies. Probably because I wasn’t hiding under my own personal raincloud any longer. Anyway, that summer I was noticed by three (3!) young women all at the same time. Their names were Megan, Megan, and Megan. I shit you not.
For clarity, let’s call them Devil Megan (my ex-girlfriend), Megan, and Pool Megan.
Pool Megan was nice, and friends with Megan, who was also nice, but Pool Megan knew that Megan liked me, so Pool Megan backed off, even though she made it clear that she would be happy to get to know me better. While I was becoming closer to Megan, Devil Megan entered the scene (through a different circle of friends) and pretty much did everything she could to make me her boyfriend. She was sexually aggressive, which was cool being that I was 16 years old, but she was also manipulative, and emotionally wacko. I probably deserved this for leading my friend Megan along. The whole time my relationship was beginning with Devil Megan, I never told Megan about Devil Megan. Megan was clearly under the impression that I was still available, and I’d let her get close, and then I’d make it look like I wasn’t interested. I was such a douchebag. I deserved most of the shitty treatment Devil Megan dished out, I guess, because Devil Megan was as manipulative with me as I was with Megan.

From babblingdweeb: How many licks does it take to get to the center of…

  • tootsie roll pop- I did this once when I was 12. It took 215 licks until I reached tootsie roll, and about 300 more licks to completely remove all traces of candy around the tootsie roll center.
  • VW bug- Just one if your tongue is strong enough, long enough, and if you get it under the door handle just right.
  • Earth- If you started at the Marianas trench, it would probably take a few hojillion less licks than if you started at sea level, or ugh, New Jersey.
  • Disease Control- Two, but one of those licks is going to get you the clap.

Part two, soon.

Bad Behavior has blocked 299 access attempts in the last 7 days.