Items of note:
The Book of Mormon (score!)
Popcorn
1 “Do Not Disturb” sign (a record low)
Answers to your questions on Monday, and maybe Tuesday too. And also possibly Wednesday.
Archive for the 'jesus is fo' shizzle' Category
Hey did you see the head Italian child-raper was in DC yesterday? Yeah, it was totally awesome how all of his douchebag followers filled the city with their idiocy on the same day I had to drive to a meeting in Alexandria.
Actually, it was partially my fault. I should have given a wide berth to all the cars I saw that had bumper stickers that said, “God is my copilot” or “God is my pilot” or “Apparently God is a fucking douchebag of a driver and I’m a lobotomized asshole who will do anything a highly edited and poorly translated book of fairy tales tells me to do because I clearly have no idea how to fucking operate an automobile and neither does my pie-in-the-sky deity-of-choice”.
I really should have avoided every one of those goddamned be-Jesus-fished hate-moblies because the little magnetic fish pretty much acted as a warning sign for “watch out because I’m merging without signaling or checking my rear view” or “Der, what’s a steering wheel? Why isn’t Jeebus driving for me? I’m hungry. I need a new diaper. I wish I was watching Steve Wilkos right now.” or “I’m driving 5 miles per hour on the highway because I’m a fucking douchebag cocksmoker child-rapist-forgiving shitfuck dick-spinning turd-swallower and traffic scares me”.
So yeah, if you couldn’t tell by my tone, it was pretty much 40 miles of concentrated awesomeness on the way to DC. I finally got to my meeting, 30 minutes late because of those holy-roller nipple-twisters, and then later on the day looked like it might even be salvageable as the temperature increased to mild summer temperature ranges.
And when we jumped on 395 to head home we weren’t faced with nearly the volume of purified idiotic assholery that we had to steer through on our way down…
because they were all waiting for us on 295 north.
I swear, my next car is going to be a tank with a giant drill on the front so I can bore my way over or through those malevolent fuckwads who think it’s just fucking SUPER to get on the road during rush hour so they can see their high-grand-eagle do a cross burning at the local stadium, and my fucking death car of Righteous Fucking Justice Dispatched DailyTM will have an articulated arm with a branding iron on the end of it so I can stamp all the cheese-dicks in the middle of their fucking foreheads with the words “I’m a shitty fucking douchebag numbnuts dumbfuck of a driver and you should punch me in the nuts or ovaries right fucking now because I deserve it for being a fucking asshole and you should sterilize me too,” and I’ll have a quadraphonic sound system mounted on the roof constantly repeating “You are a shitty driver. Kill yourself” and I’ll be able to focus that shit at those fucks and turn the fucker all the way to 11 and watch the blood trickle out of their ears as for ONCE I am able to make my way down the road unimpeded.
May your belly be full of nog, your day be full of cheer, and your wallet be full of singles for stuffing into g-strings and banana-hammocks.
Merry Christmas from ACW, Mrs. ACW, Wookie, and Sherlock
I think we can all agree that Omega pretty much won every category fair and square. Except for maybe “Longest”. Regardless, he pretty much pwn0rz3d the whole damned contest. So, in the interest of being able to get more crap out of my house, I awarded Omega the prize in one category, and then awarded prizes to the other winners.
Jamie- Longest: “Clowns with big sausages trying to have anonymous sex with zombies because they heard that necrophilia is fun”. Jamie actually won the longest category fair and square, snatching a complete and total upset from the soul-rending claws of that pervert Omega.
Bliss- Most related to necrophilia: “I want to hump zombies because I love necrophilia”. I would have to say that nothing quite captures the true spirit of necrophilia than this statement by Bliss (well, aside from Omega’s entries, and his family reunions).
Omega- Most surreal: “the undead thundercats are in my pants”. I was actually really happy with this entry. Every time I would look at it I would laugh, and then wonder why the hell I was laughing so hard, read it again, and start laughing again. For all his entries, this one by Omega was the one that broke my brain.
Lori- Strangest instance of the word “coworker”: “Anonymous zombies eating necrophiliac coworkers”. I saw this search term and thought, “Why would it be important that the coworkers that the zombies were eating would be necrophiliacs? Is there an office somewhere housing a bunch of coworkers who are all necrophiliacs?” And it was then that I realized that the cunning use of the word “coworker” is what helped make it so bizarre.
the watergirl- Potentially Criminal: “how to have anonymous necrophiliac sex with my coworkers brother”. More than anyone, twg knows that necrophilia is illegal. I honestly am not sure if she was participating in the contest or actually looking for this information. Either way, she wins a prize.
S. Reed- Most related to zombies: “Zombie semen tastes like cannog”. You could make the argument that there were many entries that were more related to zombies than this one. And you’d be right, but they were all entered by Omega, that sick, sadistic fuck. Actually, for some reason this entry really stood out for me. It might be that cannog is that disgusting. It might be because I’d never really thought about zombie semen. It might be that it’s plagued my dreams all weekend. Regardless, S. Reed takes this one.
Your Neighborhood Librarian- Most offensive: “jesus fucking a corpse on a roof” AND “drinking eggnog from Jesus’s zombie anus”. I don’t know what more can be said about these entries except that they probably would have been even more offensive had they been combined. Kudos, YNL. I hope you enjoy the special place that has now been reserved for you in Hell.
DaMonkeyCode- Make your own category: “I put a wookie in a zombie’s butt and got a pregnant teenage roofer”. This entry was so brilliant in its strangeness that I couldn’t let it go by unnoticed. I envisioned someone stuffing Chewbacca into a zombie’s ass like it was the coin-slot on a vending machine, and moments later a pregnant white-trash teen explodes out of the zombie, nail-gun in hand, shingles over her shoulder. Genius.
So, all the winners should email me their mailing address at my gmail.com address: anonymouscoworker. They’ll get a specially selected piece of junk from my house, and something they might actually enjoy.
Before this contest closes, I think it’s important to recognize the work that Omega went through, so here are all his entries reproduced for your viewing enjoyment. Better not let your boss or significant other see this list or you’ll get kicked to the curb so fast you won’t really know what happened.
child corpse tit fucking (Wow. Talk about hitting the ground running.)
masturbating to animal corpse
jerk my dead dick
hump my mother the zombie stripper
taking a shit on the pope (This one made me laugh out loud.)
I loves me some zombie anus (The folksy tone of this one really sells it.)
I picked up a hooker at the mortuary
Random car fart eats the glazed soup bucket
the undead thundercats are in my pants
I ate my shitty coworker and then molested his bones (Talk about adding insult to injury.)
An orgy of undead loving
Freak me with your rotting booty (I think he was channeling Sir Mix-a-lot on this one.)
I’m going to shoot you in the face when I rob you
Glen Burnie is the goddamn devil (Oh c’mon, it’s not that bad.)
Eat the maggots from my zombie ass, you ignorant necro
I pleasure myself when kittens are killed (I guess that’s sort of the inverse of this.)
And that he ended his last entry with, “That’ll do, pig, that’ll do.” damn near killed me.
So after the lawnmower incident from yesterday, the neighbor’s wife calls about the roof situation. (Here’s the story in the quickest way I can spill it: her nephew is a roofer and had a guy swing by her place to make sure everything was okay. The guy says it could stand some new shingles. The neighbor calls us and tries to get us to go along with this new roof thing. We relent because we share a roof. She calls another company for an estimate. I call five, but can only get info from two.) Apparently she’s eager to get some new shingles on our common roof, so she keeps being passive aggressive and asking if Mrs. ACW and I have talked about the roof yet. After a consultation from Fick Bros., an 8:30am Saturday visit (the neighbor picked the time and date. Bitch.) from Trust Worthy* Construction, and a psuedo-estimate from the Home Depot, we were ready to go with her guy. If he does a good job, I’ll let you know who he is. If he does a terrible job, I’ll also let you know who he is. (Home Depot apparently doesn’t work on common roofs because of liability reasons. The Home Depot guy was nice enough, however, to spell out what he would have done had he taken the job and given us an estimate for his work. He was only $1500 more than the guy we’re going with, and he would have provided the exact same type of serve as they contract states for the guy we’re going with, so right now I think we’ve got a pretty good deal.)
Fuck. What a boring post.
The reason I laugh at Trust Worthy Construction is threefold. First, they clearly can’t spell worth a damn. Trustworthy is one word. One. Idiots. Second, they gave us the highest quote. Even Fick Bros. who agreed to do a ballpark quote over the phone if I gave them measurements, and then explained that they were going to give me the most expensive estimate since they haven’t seen the place, came in $2000 cheaper than the guy from Trust Worthy* who actually walked up on our roof and claimed the boards underneath were rotting away. My neighbor, being a dimbulb, helped confirm this fallacy by saying she hadn’t been in her attic in years. Me? I was in the attic for three days two weeks ago laying down plywood to create an unfinished floor up there. The roof boards are fine. Better than fine, even. They’re surprisingly strong after 22 years of being up there. Could they stand to be replaced? Possibly, but they are under no circumstances crumbling. So they’re either liars, or they’re idiots, or possibly even lying idiots. I do not want these people working on my house.
The third reason I laugh at Trust Worthy Construction is because of their evangelism. On all their trucks they have Jesus fish and crosses, and their business card has the standard Jeezy Creezy Lord and Savior Drink at the Wang of God Poof Now You’re Saved claptrap that I’m sure we’re all familiar with. Got problems in your life? It’s because you haven’t been saved! Been saved and still have problems? You just need to be saved again? Problems still? How about another saving?! If these people who constantly rely on all this saving nonsense were to instead take a look at their lives, make some modifications, and then change their behaviors they wouldn’t need to be constantly clutching at their god’s skirt. I mean honestly, they’re treating themselves like an old Nintendo game. Anytime anything gets fouled up this magical superstition cranks into high gear and we’re suddenly blowing into the cartridge from right to left before carefully sliding the game back in to the Nintendo as opposed to thinking, “Gee, I keep spilling milkshakes on my Nintendo. Maybe I should clean the Nintendo out, and be more careful about my milkshakes in the future. They do, after all, bring all the young men to the front garden outside my domicile.”
Terrible analogies aside, one of the reasons that religions irritate me is this reliance on a higher power. I know how to behave, and when I make a decision I want to know it’s because of what I did, not because someone else let it happen for me. I don’t need a god, or anyone else for that matter, to tell me what is right and what is wrong. If you want to use a god, that’s fine, but don’t suggest that those of us who don’t use a god are somehow morally bankrupt.
So there you go. From roofing to Jesus in 5 paragraphs.
*Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
It’s Me… Maven:
“Hypothetically speaking… If one were to shave their taint and then get a tattoo of buddha, Jesus and Mohammed in flagrante with Mother Theresa, would that be a sin? What if they were caricatures instead?”
I’m not sure what a shaved taint has to do with it (did Tina Turner write that song?) unless of course the tattoo was being applied to the aforementioned area of hairlessness. In any case, it would be a sin if you were Jewish, I guess, because I know they’ve got some rules about tattoos and piercings, but really I don’t think an atheist is the best person to ask about what does and does not constitute sin.
Alan:
“Ok, since you insisted, here’s my necro question:
Could you please list all the permutations of necrophilia? I feel I’ve forgotten some.”
You are an idiot. Also, the many permutations of necrophilia include necro-bestiality, necro-incestuality, necro-erotica, and pretty much any and all sexual contact with real or pretend dead people or animals.
johnny dollar
“i have a ‘90 subaru legacy w/ +200k miles on it. once the car has warmed up after an hour’s drive, when i come to an intersection to stop, the car will shut off. it starts up right away and keeps running until the next time i stop, and then it dies again…any ideas about what might be the problem?
thanks!
oh wait… is this not car talk?”
As far as your first question, I’d advise you to lubricate the reverse reticulator valve while disengaging the Johnson coupler on the flange capacitor. This might be a euphamism.
As for your second question, yes, this is Car Talk. See the answer to your first question for proof.
Poppy
“Are you gonna eat my brains in July or what?! Cuz I’m not coming to MD if my brains won’t be ett.
My real question: If you had to choose between eggnog and all other alcoholic beverages which would you choose and why?”
No, I will not eat your brains. Brains are gross. I will eat your kidneys.
This is a good question, but after a few seconds of thought I realized that there is a beverage that I love more than eggnog: beer. There’s no way I could blog about beer though, because I’d never get anything else done, I love it that much. I’d much rather never have eggnog again than never have beer again.
miss kendra
“i have gone over it 892573459 times, and yet my checkbook is still off by $10. why?
will my ankle/foot ever function properly again? because i have lots of pretty heels i’d like to wear.
what is the reason for the season?”
1) Either your bank is sloppy, or they reserve $10 as a minimum amount to have in your account. Stop using banks, start burying your money in the sand at low tide.
2) Yes, because no one should be forced to live without being able to wear a pair of leopard print kitten heels.
3) Beer. See Poppy’s question.
That other Lori
“Why do you hate America, ACW?”
The reasons are almost to numerous to count:
The foreigners
The citizens
The old
The young
Minorities
The majority
Republicans
Democrats
Walmart
Jesus
Et ceteraBut really, the number one thing that makes me hate America are all the freedoms. I particularly hate the first amendment. What? Blog?
That’s all for now. Tune in next time as the questions devolve into cartoons I was watching as a kid.
Spelling, grammar, and word choice all verbatim.
PANCAKE SUPER (Unfortunately found outside of the Korean Baptist church.)
TOUCH HIS GARMENT (I guess this is better than “Touch his holy meat-hammer” but it’s still weird.)
SOMETIMES A LOVE DIVIDED IS A LOVE MULTIPLIED (wtf? Is this church advocating divorce? Or just bad math?)
IT FEELS LIKE FAMILY (This one REALLY skeeves me out for some reason.)
ABROTION IS ALWAYS WRONG (So is terrible spelling. Jesus hates you.)
COME INTO THE SON (I’m pretty sure this would be the best orgasm you’ve ever had.)
