Two posts while I’m out of the office?! You should be honored bonered honored.
The other day I had to head into Baltimore for a quick all-day meeting, so I figured I’d just take the Light Rail near my house rather than messing around with parking and driving home during rush hour.
I needed to be in Baltimore by 11, so I showed up at the train station at 10, planning on catching the 10:30 train into the city. Lucky for me the Maryland Department of Transportation had no interest in taking my money efficiently, unless it was for a wallet-fucking sum of money.
All I needed was a $3.20 round-trip ticket, but only 1 of the 5 ticket machines available was selling round-trip or single-fare tickets. 3 of the machines were only selling weekday passes for $16.50 or something like that, and one of the machines was broken. So I got in line at the only machine that was working, along with everyone else, and waited. And waited. And then waited some more.
The ancient douchebag at the front of the line, who was probably so old that he retired so he could spend more time yelling at dinosaurs to get off his lawn, was apparently buying 34 single fare tickets, and was paying for them completely with nickels. And rather than select “multiple tickets” from the menu screen, the old dust-fucker insisted on buying them one at a time. I was tearing my eyeballs out with frustration. By the time he was done it was 10:20 and the train had pulled into the station.
Then the next douchebag in line, or, I should say, family of douchebags, approached this quizzical machine and pondered at it for a good minute before pressing a single button. Finally, while I was trying to figure out how I could push douchedad’s baseball hat through the bottom of his jaw, he finally presses a button, only to be harangued by his shrewish wife.
“You can’t buy a student pass! You’re not a student.”
“She is!” he said, jerking his thumb over his should to indicate his daughter. “I’m not paying an extra 30 cents for a regular pass for her. It’s a waste of money!” So they continued to fight as the minutes crept on, and the guy in front of me and I slowly lost our minds. Putting it much more succintly than I ever could, the guy in front of me said, “God damn motherfuckers… this is some bullshit.”
The douchedad bought his other two tickets and the machine spit them out just in time for him and his entire douchey family to get on the train as the doors were closing, the next train not scheduled to depart for another 30 minutes.
“God damn cracker motherfuckers!” my new best friend yelled from the ticket machine at the departing train, “You motherfuckers are some bitches!”
And indeed they were, motherfucking bitches, each and every one.
