This past weekend I went to see Iron Man with some friends and despite every intention I had to have a good time, it was not meant to be so.
Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed the movie. It’s not going to win any awards or change the way movies are made, but it was an enjoyable comic book movie that didn’t take itself to seriously (I’m looking at you Superman Returns) or play things too stupidly (I’m looking at you Fantastic Four, specifically the vapid performance by Jessica Alba). It was just fun. One of us commented that it could have used more punching and explosions, and while that certainly wouldn’t have hurt things, I feel it is important to say I enjoyed it the way it was.
What really bothered me was the coterie of douchebags seated behind us.
Throughout the entire movie they were ridiculously irritating. They’d talk and make stupid jokes just until the point where I was ready to stand up and tell them to shut the fuck up when they’d clam up for a while. They’d throw popcorn at each other (or us. I’m not sure, but I gave them the benefit of the doubt) and I’d get hit a few times and wait for the next piece to hit me before getting up to tell them to stop throwing shit, but that piece would never come. The entire movie went that way. Five minutes of irritation every 15 minutes for 126 minutes. It was absolutely maddening.
It also didn’t help that the idiot man-child in front of me kept saying “boom” right before anything would explode, but his daughters were elbowing him in the ribs for that, so it was kept to a minimum.
(I’ve mentioned before about how OCD I am about movies, and you can read this if you want an extremely long digression.)
On the way out of the movie two members of our group went to the bathroom while my brother and I waited in the lobby. Outside I could see the dozen or so 14-year-olds, all with shit eating grins, carrying on and generally being awkward pubescent assfaces.
I wasn’t sure if they were the ones who had been such amazing dicks during the movie, but I didn’t see any other teenage groups in the theater with us, so I was pretty sure it was them. Despite that I was again willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and allow bygones to be bygones.
That is, until we were outside and one of the shrivel-dicks leaned toward me and said, “Yeah! Iron Man rocked, right guys?” at which point I lost it.
I was a ball of pure unbridled OCD rage and I was focusing my hate on the prick that had been unlucky enough to speak up. I’m not sure what I exactly said, but I’m told I called them all “cockbags” before getting in the face of the loudmouth. He kept backing away as I kept walking toward him, and I remember saying something along the lines of, “You little fuckers think you’re fucking funny? You like to throw shit and ruin the movie for everyone else you little piece of shit?”
Then one of the other kids told me to calm down so I got up in his face and started asking him the most ridiculous question I could think of:
“What’s your name you little shit?”
“What?”
“Tell me your name.”
“Nothing.”
“What’s your fucking name?”
“Uh… Joe.”
“Fuck you.”
Then I stepped towards him, he flinched, and I knew I had done enough. Or possibly too much. I’m still not sure. I never touched any of them, and I never would have, but I was still really fucking pissed. Then I remembered I had a bag of M&Ms in my pocket.
“You little fuckers think it’s funny to throw candy? Huh? You think that’s funny? Yeah, it’s real fucking funny. Let’s see how you like it.”
And I threw a huge handful of candy at them that I had been gathering into my hands as I was talking to them. I only hit 3 or 4 of them with the candy, but that was enough. I was done with them at that point.
I walked over to my friends and we started walking to the car. Once we were far enough away they started to laugh, and I could tell it was false bravado, but at that point I didn’t care what they were doing.
In retrospect I’m still not sure it’s something I would have done again in the same situation, but at the very least I hope the little shitfucks learn that if you irritate the wrong person at the movies, it could come back to bite you in the ass. Or throw candy in your face, in this case.
OhmyGodohmygodohmygodohmygod!!! I’m the first one to comment!! Ohmygodohmygod!!
I haven’t read this post yet, but sure, I’ll watch a movie with you.
Uh, yeah. This is me taking my last comment back.
Sorry for the confusion.
Thank God for Lowes VIP seating. Holy crap man…I was reading with a pounding heart to see how much Mrs. ACW had to pay to bail you out after you knocked the living crap out of em’.
Your wife must have been so proud. ;-)
Dude, you are the wind beneath my wings.
I’m pretty sure in the same situation I would’ve redded out and come to with flaps of their skin hanging from my twitching fists, their blood painting the walls… you way seems much better.
This is exactly why I don’t go to the movies any more. The douche bags you described usually wind up sitting directly behind me or in front of me. Thank you for the vicarious thrill of your meltdown. It made me feel better.
I’m just a “little old lady” (well, not so little, but old as dirt) and I also am very obsessive about my movie watching when I am in a theater - especially at today’s prices. When this herd of loud, obnoxious teenagers started throwing candy at the audience in front of them, I waited for them to run out of candy (I think it was Red Hots) but they must have bought the giant-sized bag, because it went on and on. I finally went out to the usher and told him they were bothering everyone (I kept seeing heads swiveling around to see who was doing it). The usher went over and in his wimpy nasal voice told them to stop throwing candy and annoying the audience. They all snickered as he walked away. I sat back down, and about 5 minutes later, they starting up throwing the candy again. Well, I lost it. I got out of my seat and walked in the aisle in front of them and in a LOUD (unwimpy) voice told them that people had paid good money to see this money and sure didn’t want it ruined by a bunch of weasly teeagers who give all the other teenagers a bad name, and more, and I think I might have used a few foul words because after I went back to my seat (to applause from the rest of the audience), they never did it again.
Oh my God. I love that you threw candy at them. I probably wouldn’t have had the balls to SAY anything to them, let alone THROW candy at them. I am laughing just picturing the situation.
Fantastic. Potential assault charges notwithstanding (”So, tell me again - the projectiles hurled by your assailant were Skittles? M&M’s? Peanut or Plain?”), that seriously makes me smile.
Stick- Just keep your mouth shut and we’ll be fine. I’ll even let you hold my hand.
Susan- We were in a neighborhood theater, no VIP seating, alas.
S. Reed- Luckily, Mrs. ACW wasn’t around to see it, but the next day when I told her about it remarked, much to my surprise, “They probably deserved it. Hope they learned a lesson.”
jwer- I didn’t quite “red out” but there are parts that aren’t completely clear. I was crammed with adrenaline when it was all over.
angy hangy- I’ve actually been pretty lucky in this regard. The only other time this happened my buddy, who enjoys movies even more than I do, immediately turned around and told them to shut up or leave.
sunspotbaby- That would have probably been a wiser choice on my part. Good for you.
Valerie- I felt it was necessary to make my point.
Grammy- Oh man, what if I killed one with a peanut allergy?
Later, in their car:
“Dude, you totally flinched when that metro yelled at you. You’re such a pussy!”
“I didn’t see you running your mouth off after he called you a cockbag.”
“Umm, yeah…”
Uncomfortable silence the rest of the way home.
I once yelled “Shut up, you stupid bitch” during that movie where Tom Cruise was supposedly Irish. Because this bitch would not shut up. It was so richly satisfying I don’t go to many movies. I’m afraid of what I might do. (For the record, the audience laughed, there was a smattering of applause, and I never heard a peep out of her for the rest of the movie.)
SoG- Metro? You’re turning into Zenchick.
Shieldetc.- I wanted to say something like that, but the guy in front of me had two younger kids, and I didn’t want them to become unnecessary collateral damage.
You forget, I’ve seen you wrapped in a lady’s mid-calf trench coat. Calling you metro was being kind.
This is why I adore the few drive-in theaters that are left. You never know what someone will throw back, so kids tend to mind their own shit and watch the movie.
I rarely go the the movies anymore because I want people to shut the hell up so I can enjoy the movie. My favorite thing to ask people when they are talking during the movie is “how much did you get paid for your speaking part in this movie?”
As opposed to the guy sitting behind me who was snoring in Forgotten Kingdom…
I HATE people who talk during movies, so I avoid opening night for pretty much everything. It also means I can’t watch anything with my mother or sister. I would’ve loved to see you go off on those little shits and give them a dose of the real world.
When I saw “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” with some of my college suitemates, these two idiots wouldn’t quit blabbering. One guy in our group wasn’t going to put up with it. After saying “Shut up” and “Analyze the fucking movie later”, this little exchange shut them up:
Them: Tina would love this.
My friend: Tina’s a c***.
Unlike you he had no qualms about traumatizing the little girls sitting in front of us.
Oh yeah, for more footage of jackasses getting what they deserve go to 3:30 on this clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bslpmwFlJoA
Yeah, I’d be all “yaaay for justice” except that you waited until the parking lot.
Turning around & giving the stare of death early ensures that (1) you know who they are, and (2) they know they’re pissing you off & consequences are on the horizon.
I’ve read parents of kicky children the riot act during previews.
I TOTALLY wanna see a movie with you!!!
I once confronted people in a movie theater during the movie and it only ended in them having to move to the front of the theater where no one else was sitting, not thrown out. This was after they called me a fucking bitch. And then I had to see them again on the way out while they glared at me and called me a narc.
I love being me.
I’m with Pandora - Bengies Drive-In.
Putting up with the owner’s insane harangue is a whole lot better than getting arrested for slapping a teenager. At least he shuts up when the movie comes on. Well, three minutes after the movie comes on. Seriously, what is it with that dick?
You already know this, but it bears repeating:
You are a God.
You are my hero!
I concur with Mrs. ACW, you probably saved them from getting a future beat-down or worse. Sometimes it takes a serious shock for a 14 year old to connect behavior with consequences.