Last weekend I had the honor of joining a friend at his bachelor party, and I have to admit that I’ve never been to a more masculine bachelor party.
We started out at my brother’s house drinking beers (10 man points) and playing video games (5 man points) eating half a tub of party mix (2 man points) and somehow consuming three pounds of onion dip (15 man points).
From there we went to a barbecue place for dinner (20 man points) and filled our bellies with various kinds of meat served to us in heaps (18 man points, 23 double entendre points). One of the attendees bit the inside of his cheek while eating and started bleeding profusely (3 man points (yes, bleeding counts as something manly)) and decided to “cauterize” the wound by taking a huge swig of the bottle of hot sauce that was on the bar (35 man points). Numerous shots (15 man points) and PBRs (5 man points) were consumed before we headed off to the next bar.
We started with more shots (20 man points) but generally took things pretty easy, primarily having beers (5 man points) and shooting the shit (2 man points). I think, however, we get extra man points for getting one of the waitresses drunk (5 man points).
From there we went to Max’s in Fell’s Point where we had boilermakers (30 man points) and the bachelor had a pimp-cup full of some high-falutin’ hefewiess microbrew that clocked in at about 10% alcohol (27 man points).
From Max’s the decision was made to go to a strip club (25 man points), and while strip clubs aren’t necessarily my thing (-45 man points) I was happy to have one of the other guys buy me two 10-dollar Miller Lites.
Numerous table dances (40 man points), lap dances (50 man points), and public spankings (100 man points?) later, we were closing out the strip club (200 man points). We piled back into the limo- did I mention it was a stretch Escalade? (50 man points)- to head home.
So let’s see, ignoring the fact that strip clubs aren’t my thing, as a whole, we scored 681 man points for the evening with the only thing missing being a bare-knuckled street brawl between our bachelor party and some other douchebag’s bachelor party which would have netted us 500 man points. It would have been 1000 man points if someone was killed.
But, alas, we lost a few points on the way home. As we were careening through the streets of Baltimore, drunk and with visions of strippers named Sugarplum dancing through our heads, someone tuned the radio to Tiny Dancer by Elton John (-200 man points).
And we all sang along. (-300 man points)
At the top of our lungs. (-500 man points)
I guess it could have been worse. We could have been singing it quietly, holding each other and weeping (forfeiture of penis).
All in all it was an awesome night, even if the man points were all lost in a wash at the end.
I had a similar night in Baltimore a few years back. We started out drinking PBR tall boys and somehow invented a drinking game called catheter bag. We ended up at the Larry Flynt Club. On the way home, I stumbled into a 7/11 and bought a bag of Corn Nuts (just gross). Some guy told me corn nuts were disgusting and I tried to start a fight with him. Greasefires.
Didn’t you see “Almost Famous”? The fact that you were comfortable enough in your masculinity to sing - nay, bellow - “Tiny Dancer” puts you in the black, man-point-tally-wise.
Apparently I’m going to have a really masculine bachelorette party someday.
twg- It’s the 3 pounds of onion dip right? You’re going to make like 90 pounds, aren’t you? And then have strippers wrestle in it, right?
You should write a book about man points. You can call it Man Points.
stephanie, the only ones buying it would be women, and you’d just be confused by it anyway. Guys all know the point system, although different regions have different point allocations… For instance, in the south you get no points for eating BBQ… What else would you eat?
This entry cracked me up, so you are forgiven for getting Tiny Dancer stuck in my head…
“Hold me closer, Tony Danza!”
Bonus Man Points for singing in a good falsetto!
Stephanie- Do you really think people would pay to read a whole bunch of situations and then see random numbers assigned to them? If so, I’m a millionaire!
Matt- Negative man points to you for a “Friends” reference. Don’t worry, I get negative man points too for knowing it was a “Friends” reference.
**whew**
Besides fighting and killing the only other man things that were left would have been to build something or rigg something out of random parts to fix something.
Although both difficult to do while inebriated you get 1.5x the points for attempting and 2x the points for being successful.
All in all I dont think it can get any more testosterone filled. Nice job!
you forgot that you would get very high man points for being attacked by ninjas and successfully fighting them off with submachine guns that mr. t, chuck norris and macgyver help you make with duct tape, old vacuum cleaners and pickled eggs frozen in liquid nitrogen.
This was mega rich dude. I told my IM buddy before that from now on whenever my boss tells me to type something for him (because his “manly” fingers seem to have problems doing so) I will bellow in his face: “NEGATIVE 10 POINTS FOR YOU LOSER!!!!”
Matt- Still having trouble, huh?
Ahem… **WHEW**
TEN dollars for a Miller Lite?! Listen, it’s not my beer of choice because I’m cheap (I don’t like those weird beers you guys drink anyway), but DAMN I’m glad I don’t go to strip clubs. That’s insane.
Oh, and I think you are obsessed with these “man points” just to prove you aren’t Metro.
He doth protest too much, methinks…
(p.s. I am *really* glad I wasn’t drinking when I read “forfeiture of penis”)
Matt- Now you’re getting it!
Zenchick- I’d have been damned if I were going to pay 10 bucks for a Miller Lite (or most beers for that matter), but since it was paid for, I didn’t stress it.
Yep…
It is this sort of post that makes me sad you are giving all this up. You just made me laugh really hard. Thank you for that!
How the hell did you have a bachelor party where not one of you shat in an inappropriate place? What the hell kind of pansies do you run with anyhow?
Getting the waitress drunk should be worth at LEAST 15 man points.
ACW, exactly. I will also be wrestling them;)
SO THAT is who I heard Singing….You guys need to hush. People do actually *LIVE* in fells point, you know!