AnonymousCoworker

Jumping back into the fray…

Liz says, “I thank whoever abused you in your youth for turning you into such a wonderfully bitter, yet oh-so-entertaining creature. I actually managed a smile today. Oh yeah. A question: what medication do you take (exactly) that allows you to think you are infinitely more awesome than the rest of us doorknobs? Some of us would really like some.”

Thanks? I think. Anyway, I don’t take any medication to know I am infinitely more awesome than the rest of you doorknobs. It’s actually pretty easy to achieve this state of being, and to do it completely drug free. (Unless you count beer as a drug.)

First, start a blog and slowly amass a readership with regular postings of your musings on day to day existence. Once you have a few readers under your belt start to rant and curse and swear and be obscene and make outrageous statements about necrophilia and eggnog. Once that’s done your audience will have somehow multiplied tenfold (for reasons completely unknown) which will inevitably lead to a swollen sense of self-worth. Use that over-inflated ego to fuel future bombast and you’re all set.

grammy says, “‘Insulting, combative, and bristly’ - Mrs. ACW is gifted with truth-telling powers. You were like an alcoholic, has-been boxer who is now a Fuller Brush Man. Which is funny. (To me, not to people who are really alcoholic has-been boxer Fuller Brush Men.) But that’s not what I wanted to say. I wanted to ask where you come up with your ACW lingo? Such as ‘baby-maker’ which has so recently come in handy for me. Do you have staff writers?”

Thanks. No, I don’t have staff writers. The writing process goes like this:
-I sit and pluck at the keyboard seemingly at random until something funny starts coming out.
-I re-read the post and replace already funny words with words or terms that I think might be even funnier. For example, replacing vajayjay or dong (already funny) with baby-maker.
-Occasionally I have Mokie proofread it to make sure the jokes work the way I want them to work.
-Post!
That’s it.

Antonio says, “Do you hate the movie Ultraviolet as passionately as I do? Which is dumber, uggs or crocs? Who are some people who you think are awesome? (No fair saying Mrs. ACW or mokie, that’s cheating)”

Antonio, did you miss some of the rules? I think you did. Congratulations! You’re the first person to buck the rules regardless of what I said they were. You win whatever it is you find to the left of your monitor.
1) No, I don’t hate Ultraviolet at all: I’ve never seen it. But it is in my Netflix queue, and I imagine even then I won’t hate it. I’ve seen TONS of terrible movies but the only one I’ve really hated is that horrible shit-monster that refuses to die- Dr. T and the Women.
2) This is actually pretty tough, because they’re both really really dumb. Uggs, in fairness, seem to be able to provide some protection from cold in the winter, but wearing them in the summer is just idiotic. Conversely, crocs seem to be a great piece of footwear for ventilated toes in the summer, but they’re as ugly as a wart on a turd. Hmm… I guess I’d have to say that uggs are stupider because people wear them all year round, whereas I’ve not seen as many people wear crocs in the winter. But on second thought, crocs are gender neutral, so more people wear them. I guess I don’t know.
3) People I think are awesome… that’s tough too. There are a number of people who come to mind that I’ve never mentioned on the blog, and won’t mention now, but suffice it to say that they’re friends and family. Then there are musicians and actors that I think are awesome. And historical people that I think are awesome. The list is a long one, but if I had to pick a few off the top of my head I’d probably say William Shakespeare, Thomas Jefferson, Bob Marley, Salvador Dali, Charles Darwin, and Christopher Walken.

Anonymous says, “why did you decide to get married?”

And I answer.

Smart Ol’ Geezer says, “Tara’s in Port Jeff Station for $1 burgers! Just don’t wear a tank top or bring your motorcycle helmet into the bar.”

Um. Hooray?

johnny dollar says, “I like turtles.”

We all do, my friend. We all do.

missmargo says, “Would you like my recipe for Eggnog bread? It’s actually quite tasty.”

I don’t even know if I like eggnog. Wait, let me check my archives for a second… … … Yes! I apparently LOVE eggnog according to all the posts I’ve tagged with the word “nog”! Please email me the recipe!

Huw says, “Which book do you wish you’d written? Which film would you have been proud to have directed?”

Huw, you always know how to bring the good questions, but lucky for me, this is something that I’ve thought about quite a bit. There are two books that I wish I’d written. The first one is Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy because it’s just so damn dense. I’ve written about it before, but to summarize that post I’ll just say that I’d wish I’d written it because of how carefully he uses the exactly perfect word in every sentence of the entire book. It’s spectacular. The other book is You Shall Know Our Velocity by Dave Eggers. I know this makes me out as some sort of hipster literary snob douchebag, but I don’t care. I really like the way Eggers plays with the medium of the book itself while also keeping focused on the story. It’s not something that everyone can do, and he does it well, so I’m a bit envious.

There are quite a few films that I would have been proud to have directed, among them are anything by the Coen brothers, Christopher Guest, Tim Burton, Martin Scorcese, Stephen Soderbergh, Spike Jones, Wes Anderson, Guy Ritchie, Mel Brooks, Edgar Wright, and some of Peter Jackson’s work (I’m sure I’m also forgetting a few). But if I had to pick a specific film I think I’d have to go with Apocalypse Now. Coppola had a fantastic cast to work with, an immense area to shoot in, and an extremely important story to tell. I can’t watch the movie very frequently because of how much it unsettles me. I think that would have to be the one.

Charm City Barfly says, “Do you think they should bring back MST3K and, if so, do you think I would be the perfect host for it?”

This is a tough question because of the circumstances that would lead to one answer or another. Yes, I think they should bring back MST3K, but no, I don’t think you would be the perfect host for it. I thought Mike (not Joel) was the perfect host, and if they brought it back, he should host it again. However, were you to come up with your own format for an MST3K-esque show, then yes, I would say you would be the perfect host for that.

stephanie says, “I don’t have a question, I just an have an answer for Charm City Barfly: Yes. They should bring back MST3K.”

I agree, they absolutely should bring it back as opposed to the schism they have now.

Maven says, “But where-oh-where will I go for a regular dose of ‘insulting, combative, and bristly’ blog posts… I mean… besides Mighty Dyckerson? However, Dyckerson doesn’t have your knack for stringing incongruous expletives together with finesse like you do.”

This one is easy. Start reading the blog from the beginning, and after a while you’ll be nipples-deep in “incongruous expletives” like this one: god-damned frog-shitting pickle-fucker. There’s almost four years of content there, and I’m sure that should keep you busy for at least a weekend.

Claude says, “I’ve been reading your site for quite awhile now, and I think that I know you well enough that I’m comfortable asking this question: What time is it?” Right now it’s… 10:15:41.

And that’s it! Thanks for playing!