UPDATE: Mrs. ACW says I was “insulting, combative, and bristly” in this post, so I thought I would put something up here to explain the below: I wasn’t talking about you. Or you. Or you or you or you. I was talking about that guy, over there. Yeah, the goofy looking one in the back with the raw bacon hanging out of his pants. The stuff below was meant for him. You people, though? I love you people. Also, I am superior to you in every way. Just to be clear.
I’m balls-to-the-wall busy today, and I’ll be making my annual trip up to Long Island this week, so I figured this would be the perfect time to do the very last ever “Ask the ACW” post.
I’m way too busy, and also way too lazy, to find any of the old posts on either a) the yearly trip to Long Island, or b) all the old Ask the ACW stuff, but rest assured it’s on the blog somewhere if you feel like looking for it.
Because this will be the very last Ask the ACW, there are a few rules. You can still ask anything that you want to ask, and I still reserve the right to answer or ignore questions based on little less than my own personal whimsy. But since I’m nothing if not extremely friendly and charitable, I will tell you generally which questions I won’t be answering.
- I won’t answer any questions that I’ve answered before. Oh, are you crying? Too bad. My brain cries when I keep seeing the same question over and over again. Also, my brain cries because they let YOU use a computer.
- I won’t answer any questions along the lines of “why is the sky blue?” or “why do 7-11s have locks on the doors if they are open 24 hours?” because not only are those questions kind of cliche at this point, they’re also not really a lot of fun to answer, and though you might think these posts are about you having a chance to raise your voice, it’s really still all about me.
- I, of course you dumb dumb, will not answer any questions about my personal life like my phone number, address, work place, sex life, etc. I really don’t want any of you sickos to know any more than you already do, and in fact, the amount that you know already scares me.
- I reserve the right to lie in totality and completely in some, most, or all of the answers, but will promise to try not to do so if I feel like it.
- Try to keep it to one or two questions. Every time I do this it takes me all damn week to answer the stupid questions because they just go on, and on, and on. Here’s a helpful tip: write down as many questions as you want, and then go through them to see which one or two are the best. Once you’ve eliminated all the questions because you’re dumb and your questions suck you can throw yourself off a building clear of any doubt that you bothered me with stupid questions.
I’ll almost certainly need to add more rules here as you numbnuts begin to submit your stupid questions in the comments. Try not to drool all over everything. Also, I’m pretty sure at least a dozen of you brainless meatbags will violate these rules in a pathetic attempt at “humor”, which is why I’ll be violating my own “comments will never be deleted” policy to delete your comments.
Cheers, bitches.
I have only one question:
Why does your farewell tour include mercilessly abusing your readers?
This would be so exciting, if only I were interested in you in some way.
Do guys REALLY want to have sex all the time? I mean, what if I hadn’t showered in three days, had just come back from jogging, and then cleaned all the toilets? With my bare hands? Would my husband want to have sex with me THEN?
what is the difference between?
Coming out of lurkerdom, why is the last ever? Yes, that’s my question.
Why do your stupid rules suck big donkey balls? Oh, yeah. I went there. Biotch.
I stumbled across your blog back in January, but I wish I had found it earlier…I can’t get enough! What does Mokie think about your quitting blogging? Has he been threatening you and throwing rocks through your windshield? Or does he do that on a regular basis anyway?
How could your wife tell the difference between you being “insulting, combative, and bristly” and you being your regular self? I thought that WAS your regular self. Can you translate that into Latin and put it on a family crest? And what symbols would you put on your escutcheon if you were to design one, I mean a real one and not just one of those ghastly fake “family tree” crests the computers will generate for you at the mall? I have my own theories but I want to see if I’m right.
PS you suck for quitting the blogosphere, you know. Wimp.
Yah, there’s definitely a “Fuck you, readers” vibe.
I have no questions that wouldn’t violate one or more rules.
Why did Government officials, who claim to be all free market and against welfare of any kind, provide money to Bear Stearns for that whole JP Morgan buy out bullshit? HUH? WHY!??!?!!??!?! And why won’t my lender reduce my principal on my loan? I mean….The governement does that shit all the time, why can’t *I* get a break on paying *MY* mortgage? HUH?!?!?!?!?
Caroline, I might be able to answer that- It would probably be an Ouroboros, since we all know that ACW doesn’t really have a family tree. It’s more like a family wreath.
My question is: Would you do us the service of creating some ACW shirts at CafePress? Cuz I’d be all over that like stank on Shiite! Maybe after you are off the air, the back could say 404… just a thot…
I thank whoever abused you in your youth for turning you into such a wonderfully bitter, yet oh-so-entertaining creature. I actually managed a smile today.
Oh yeah. A question: what medication do you take (exactly) that allows you to think you are infinitely more awesome than the rest of us doorknobs? Some of us would really like some.
“Insulting, combative, and bristly” - Mrs. ACW is gifted with truth-telling powers. You were like an alcoholic, has-been boxer who is now a Fuller Brush Man. Which is funny. (To me, not to people who are really alcoholic has-been boxer Fuller Brush Men.)
But that’s not what I wanted to say. I wanted to ask where you come up with your ACW lingo? Such as “baby-maker” which has so recently come in handy for me. Do you have staff writers?
Do you hate the movie Ultraviolet as passionately as I do?
Which is dumber, uggs or crocs?
Who are some people who you think are awesome? (No fair saying Mrs. ACW or mokie, that’s cheating)
why did you decide to get married?
Tara’s in Port Jeff Station for $1 burgers! Just don’t wear a tank top or bring your motorcycle helmet into the bar.
i like turtles
Would you like my recipe for Eggnog bread?
It’s actually quite tasty.
Which book do you wish you’d written? Which film would you have been proud to have directed?
Do you think they should bring back MST3K and, if so, do you think I would be the perfect host for it?
I don’t have a question, I just an have an answer for Charm City Barfly: Yes. They should bring back MST3K.
But where-oh-where will I go for a regular dose of “insulting, combative, and bristly” blog posts… I mean… besides Mighty Dyckerson? However, Dyckerson doesn’t have your knack for stringing incongruous expletives together with finesse like you do.
I’ve been reading your site for quite awhile now, and I think that I know you well enough that I’m comfortable asking this question: What time is it?