UPDATE: Mrs. ACW says I was “insulting, combative, and bristly” in this post, so I thought I would put something up here to explain the below: I wasn’t talking about you. Or you. Or you or you or you. I was talking about that guy, over there. Yeah, the goofy looking one in the back with the raw bacon hanging out of his pants. The stuff below was meant for him. You people, though? I love you people. Also, I am superior to you in every way. Just to be clear.
I’m balls-to-the-wall busy today, and I’ll be making my annual trip up to Long Island this week, so I figured this would be the perfect time to do the very last ever “Ask the ACW” post.
I’m way too busy, and also way too lazy, to find any of the old posts on either a) the yearly trip to Long Island, or b) all the old Ask the ACW stuff, but rest assured it’s on the blog somewhere if you feel like looking for it.
Because this will be the very last Ask the ACW, there are a few rules. You can still ask anything that you want to ask, and I still reserve the right to answer or ignore questions based on little less than my own personal whimsy. But since I’m nothing if not extremely friendly and charitable, I will tell you generally which questions I won’t be answering.
- I won’t answer any questions that I’ve answered before. Oh, are you crying? Too bad. My brain cries when I keep seeing the same question over and over again. Also, my brain cries because they let YOU use a computer.
- I won’t answer any questions along the lines of “why is the sky blue?” or “why do 7-11s have locks on the doors if they are open 24 hours?” because not only are those questions kind of cliche at this point, they’re also not really a lot of fun to answer, and though you might think these posts are about you having a chance to raise your voice, it’s really still all about me.
- I, of course you dumb dumb, will not answer any questions about my personal life like my phone number, address, work place, sex life, etc. I really don’t want any of you sickos to know any more than you already do, and in fact, the amount that you know already scares me.
- I reserve the right to lie in totality and completely in some, most, or all of the answers, but will promise to try not to do so if I feel like it.
- Try to keep it to one or two questions. Every time I do this it takes me all damn week to answer the stupid questions because they just go on, and on, and on. Here’s a helpful tip: write down as many questions as you want, and then go through them to see which one or two are the best. Once you’ve eliminated all the questions because you’re dumb and your questions suck you can throw yourself off a building clear of any doubt that you bothered me with stupid questions.
I’ll almost certainly need to add more rules here as you numbnuts begin to submit your stupid questions in the comments. Try not to drool all over everything. Also, I’m pretty sure at least a dozen of you brainless meatbags will violate these rules in a pathetic attempt at “humor”, which is why I’ll be violating my own “comments will never be deleted” policy to delete your comments.
Cheers, bitches.
