I realize that for the past few days I’ve been pretty fucking pissed off. Have been… am. Whatever. I guess I’m going through the 5 stages of grief:
1. Denial: The initial stage: “It can’t be happening.”
2. Anger: “Why me? It’s not fair.”
3. Bargaining: “Just let me live to see my children graduate.”
4. Depression: “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”
5. Acceptance: “It’s going to be OK.”
Let’s see… I don’t think I ever went through the denial stage. I remember getting the the phone call and thinking, “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.” I’m clearly in monkey-humping lust with the anger part. In fact, I mentioned to Mrs. ACW that on Sunday when we went to get food to take to my family’s house I was thinking, “Why are all these people out shopping? Don’t they know the world should stop for me?”
I’m pretty sure the bargaining thing isn’t going to crop up for the same reason that denial didn’t: I just can’t turn off the coldly logical part of my brain. I think it’s that part of my brain that helped keep us from buying a $20,000 vault when my family was ready to throw down cash for anything and everything. I know I’ve flirted with depression over the past few days, like, “Why do my homework? Why exercise? Why care what I’m eating? Why not just drink every night?” But it hasn’t been paralyzing, and usually that same part of my brain kicks in and says, “Shut up. That’s stupid. You’re not the one who just died.”
I guess I’ll eventually get to acceptance, I mean, I know I will, but right now I’m just really fucking pissed. I almost reactively called Wayne a “fucker” in the comments yesterday until I went back and re-read his comment and realized that it was relatively positive message (if only a bit preachy). So yeah, I’ve the anger part down pat.
This is where you come in! Know any good jokes? Magic tricks? Seen something really funny/bizarre/goofy online recently? Please let me know. If there’s one thing I learned from all this it’s that the periods leading up to and immediately following funerals are in desperate need of someone who knows a good joke. Lay them on me.
Let me throw in and request some fun intertubes/flash games. For shizzle.
Joke:
How do you castrate a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
As told to me by one of our uncles yesterday:
A man preparing to go on a hike in the woods stopped when he saw another man hugging a nearby tree. He walked over and asked what the man was doing.
“I’m listening to the tree,” replied the other man. “Here, try! You can hear it too.”
So the man, obviously doubtful, walked over, put his ear to the bark, and began to hug the tree as the other man had done. Then, before he could react, the other man handcuffed him to the tree and, despite his protests, took his wallet, all of his hiking gear, and even went so far as to strip him naked. Then he left him there, alone.
About two hours later another man happened by and ran over at the first man’s cries for help. He asked what happened and the first man explained how he had been left with nothing and stripped.
The newcomer replied, “Well, I guess today just isn’t your day, Cupcake.”
Here is a little internet fun:
http://www.ugo.com/channels/comics/heromachine2/heroMac...
go ahead and make the most ridiculous hero you can think of and post the jpeg. be carfeul! It can be addicting!
also: http://www.collegehumor.com/
and Best of Craigslist is a good one for those times you want to read how stupid people can be.
An oldie, but a goodie:
What is the difference between Acne and Michael Jackson?
…Acne doesn’t come on a boyz face until he’s 13.
OHHHHH SNAP!!
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up, shakes his head, and says, “I’m sorry. We don’t serve food here.”
Corny, but classic.
This might make you laugh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8WoyPEVRFo
It’s crossing a line to tell you I am equally fond of you as I am of chocolate for this post, so I won’t.
My two favorite things on the internet lately were Janet spoofing MTV and Daniel Radcliffe getting smooched by a manboy.
My favourite joke is really not transferrable to the page (or screen) since it requires hand actions and a cheeky cockney accent (which I kind of have but am trying to lose as I get teased for it by my so-called friends). I could upload a video of me telling the joke but that would build it up far too much, would be too much effort and frankly, making you watch it would probably force you deeper into despair. My other favourite joke is this:
Q. What’s the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
A. One wears a suit, the other just pants.
Actually, this funnier in my language as pants are undershorts/knickers not trousers. Well, I tried…
I’ve been sharing this with friends the last few days:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIQrBouWRiE
It’s the “I’m fucking Ben Affleck” video from Jimmy Kimmel’s show. I laughed so hard at it. Tons of cameos too.
I don’t have a joke, but go on over to my blog, where I’ve miraculously posted twice in the same week! There’s a link to a new band I recommend, and you can vote on your favorite Boston Bruins Ice Girl. Should provide a couple good distractions for you. :-)
I’m so sorry to hear about all this. Not sure how new or not these are, but I recently found them and they made me laugh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=av6fWfmugds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azGhHh9mV_Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-q_taep3ElI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diIYOvGvmg4
Two guys are walking down the street. They see a dog licking himself.
Guy 1: “Man, I wish I could do that.”
Guy 2: “Erm…I think you should probably pet him first.”
:)
This made me laugh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRvm0PfayR8
-B.
I don’t have a good joke or the newest, most hilarious thing on the internet, but I offer a photo where I really look like a midget and a tall man is possibly pinching a tall woman’s behind.
HIGH-FIVE! on FunnyOrDie.com
Heh, heh, heh…
She said cockney!
I liked this:
http://www.brunching.com/images/geekchartbig.gif
SLOG had this. perfect opprotunity to be filled with hateration and hilarity at once.
http://auschglitz.blogspot.com/
Chin up tiger. And punch things as needed.
it’s not funny, but sometimes i have this open in the background of my work computer because i find it soothing and it keeps me from burninating the countryside.
it’s maybe not laugh out loud funny, but it is amusing and astonishing - 419 photos of cats wearing handknit sweaters.
a little out of season, but made me laugh out loud
http://www.cracked.com/article_15877_14-valentines-day-...
Since I can’t bring you something good from someone else off the top of my head, I can bring you this. My own debasement for your amusement.
http://northernoutpostpa.blogspot.com/2008/02/chapter-e...
I see someone already linked to something on Funny or Die, home to one of my favorite videos. I’m sure you’ve seen this:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/74
I watch it when I’m feeling cranky and I laugh every time. Of course, I am known to be pretty slutty when it comes to the laughing. I won’t sleep with a guy on the first date, but I’ll laugh at any old thing he says.
I’m a big fan of searching for “time lapse” and “stop action” on YouTube. Not FUNNY, really… but neat.
And this will hopefully give you a small chuckle:
http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/
My cats have been raising hell–it’s the second article down on my blog.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Interupting cow.
Interupting cow wh–
MOOOO
very corny but it cracks me up every time.
The following link has a familiar ACW meme in the beginning. But that last pic at the bottom just made me stare…
http://www.wintrest.com/tanning-lotion/
Read this in your best Irish accent but cover your eyes if bad language offends.
Mrs. Mulligan stands in front of her class and asks her students to put the word ‘contagious’ into a sentence:
Little Caitlins hand shoots in the air
“Yes Cailin” said Mrs. M
“When ma broother had tha chicken pox it was contagious”
“Not very original Caitlin - next” said Mrs. M “anyone else”?
Mrs. M could see little Annie’s jumping around in the back shaking her hand and it was with some trepidation she pointed to the child
“Yes Annie”
“Well my da and I were walking home in the snow last week and Mrs. P was digging her path out and he said ‘it’ll take that cunt ages to clear all that snow’”.
What makes me laugh a lot is seeing Gary Busey. He was at the Academy Awards, just look up videos of him on YouTube. It makes me laugh.
My absolute favorite blonde joke:
A blonde is driving down the road and sees another blonde out in the middle of a field in a row boat. She stops the car and yells to the blonde in the field: “You’re the kind of blonde that gives the rest of us a bad name and if I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your ass!”
(Savage Bliss-LMAO! had to give props).
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
“where’d ya get THAT thing?” the bartender asks.
“BROOKLYN!” the frog exclaims. “there’s, like, MILLIONS of ‘em!”
(it’s actually the funniest when Robin Williams yells it too close to the camera lens during the end credits of “The Aristocrats”, but I thought I’d give it a shot)
The only joke I can ever remember at short notice:
How did Darth Vader know what Obi-wan was getting for christmas?
He felt his presents!
Okay here is my favourite awful joke. You may need to adjust for your country.
So there’s an A road and a B road in a pub, having a drink. It’s kinda quiet, nothing much going on, until suddenly the door bursts open and a piece of green tarmac comes storming in causing a ruckus. The A road, being a big guy, gets up to deal with him. The B road, however, holds him back.
“What the hell are you stopping me for?”, asks the A road.
“Don’t start on that guy”, the B road replies, “He’s a fucking cycle path!”
How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer.
So a cannibal passes his friend in the woods…
Q: Why couldn’t Hellen Keller drive a car?
A: Because she was a woman.
Q: What’s pink, stiff and makes women moan?
A: A dead baby.
Late one night, the only people in a bar were one man, and one woman. The guy comes up to the woman and asks her what she’s doing there.
“Well,” she says, “my man just left me because I’m too kinky for him.”
“Really,” he replies. “My wife just left me because I’m too kinky for her. Why don’t we get back to your place and be kinky?”
When they get back to her place, she goes in the back for a few moments and emerges in a rubber straitjacket, ball gag and crotchless latex pants. To her dismay, however, the man is straightening his tie and leaving.
“But I thought we were gonna be kinky together!” she says.
“Lady,” the man replies, “I already took a shit in your purse and raped your dog. Thanks for the great time.”
Enjoy….
Guy walks into the bedroom where his wife’s sleeping while carrying a sheep under his arm; he says “here’s the pig I’ve been fucking.”
Wife says, “that’s not a pig, that’s a sheep, you idiot.”
Guy says, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
Okay go here:
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=ouDRDzqTu0M
And then here:
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=WxfIDpset2I&feature=r...
I hope this helps.
Hi hon. I’m sorry I haven’t been keeping up with you. I haven’t check Google Reader in over two weeks. I’m sorry for everything going on right now.
I don’t have a joke, nor do I have any magic tricks, but I may have something that will bring a smile to your face. Or completely repulse you. Or both.
http://www.re-penetrator.com/
Enjoy.
And more zombie related stuff for you:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/20433992.html
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/13167787.html
And the last one of the night:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/11/27/zombie-kiteh-w...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVLztAXfnu0
this is really terrible. it is called porn audition.
it is sad more then funny, but at the begging i could not get my breath from laughing. later it becomes really hard to watch.
might be fake, but probably is not.