For the last few weeks the temperature inside our house has been nut-shrinkingly cold. In an attempt to save a little money, and because we desire to open the electric bill and not see, “You owe us assrape dollars and non-consensual-fisting cents.” Our electric bill has never been too crazy, really, because I’m that guy who walks through the house and turns off all lights and unplugs items that aren’t being used, but still the bills were more than we wanted to pay. So we’ve set the thermostat for a steady 62 and dealt with it.
Before I go on and eventually reach the uninteresting point of this story, I’m going to preemptively defend myself from those of you who live in the arctic tundra north of the temperate zone better known as the mid-Atlantic seaboard of the United States. Yes, 62 is cold for us. Yes, the temperature in the winter usually only hovers around 20-40 degrees Fahrenheit. Yes, we know you are buried in snow for all but two weeks in the middle of the summer. Yes, we realize that Kelvin is just a guy on your street who stands on his porch in his underwear when it’s -273.15 degrees Celsius outside.* Yes, we realize that you set your thermostats at 2 degrees and you just throw on another sweater. That’s awesome. You’re awesome. We’re all glad that you’re so awesome that you can live in such unforgiving climates. Really, no one at all is tired of hearing you scoff, “27 degrees? Heh, that’s warm for us!” That never, ever gets tired, especially when we grew up in the reasonable climate we grew up in, and you grew up in a snowman’s armpit. So, yes, to conclude this diatribe, our house is kept at 62 degrees and that’s cold for us. Shut it.
Anyway, we’ve been getting by with hoodies, sweaters, and blankets on the couches. That generally keeps us from being so cold that we’re uncomfortable. But I’m 6′2″ and though I’ve got some padding around the middle, my fingers, and especially my toes, get cold fast. It’s not uncommon for my toes to go completely numb, even if I’m wearing socks and slippers. I’m tall and blood doesn’t circulate well to far-away places like my toes. No big deal. I can make do. For example, instead of wearing regular socks, I might throw on some wool socks or thick Xmas socks. Or I’ll sit cross legged and try to keep my toes warm with my hands. Or I might tuck the bottoms of my pants into the top of my socks, and my sweater into the top of my pants. This makes me look like an utter goon, but I don’t care, because it keeps me warm.
Every time Mrs. ACW sees me with my sweater tucked in, or with my pant legs tucked in to my socks she just shakes her head and says, “I can’t believe I’m married to you.” And I guess I could be offended, but the fact is that I really don’t care. She’s stuck with me, and my feet are cold, so until the weather gets a little warmer I’m going to look like the gooniest goon that ever gooned an automatic gooning machine. Also, I retort by saying, “Not only are you married to me, but we also have sex,” which usually just leaves her shaking her head and wondering where she went wrong.
*I so love nerd jokes.
“That’s awesome. You’re awesome. We’re all glad that you’re so awesome that you can live in such unforgiving climates.”
Thanks, I’m glad that you aknowledge this fact.
BTW, 20 degrees is pretty cold, especially if it’s windy.
Also, I think you can buy battery powered heated socks somewheres and electric blankets are good for when you’re lounging on the couch.
That second comment was me, BTW.
I’m so sorry you’re cold.
Thanks for the laughs!
I’m sorry… did you say anything after “You owe us assrape dollars and non-consensual-fisting cents.”? I love the imagery of that particular quantity of money…
62 degrees is the dead of winter for us.
Love,
Dallas, TX
You could just set yourself on fire…
Also, 62?!? What are you, MADE OF MONEY??? Mine’s set at 60, you pussy!
Of course, my rage keeps me warm. That, and my fat.
I got a mild case of frostbite in 1993 when my radiators all conked out one by one because they hadn’t been bled in awhile. To this day I get chilblaines from it every fall. But
“it’s a fact that the whole world knows
That pobbles are happier without their toes”
Man…All of you are pussies. I set my thermostat to 55 during the day when I’m out, 62 when I’m home and 55 while I sleep. I’m STILL getting assraped by BG$E
That must be the reason I constantly wake up with a cat or two underneath the covers…..
I agree with Aliecat. Thank you for acknowledging our complete and utter awesomeness (except I live in Minnesota and we don’t have a mid-Atlantic Seaboard. If we did, though, all the hicks up here wouldn’t have the opportunity to drag a shack out to the middle of some frozen swamp to catch carp and call it a sport… but I digress…)
And the “assrape dollars and non-consensual-fisting cents”… wow. You mean you have to pay with California state quarters?
Wow, Lori - you and have live by the same numbers!!
Since I am living my own “personal” summers these days, I was doing pretty good, but these last months have been more than even I can take. I bought one of those parabolic heat lamps (at Costco) that aims its heat right at you at 1/3 the cost of an electric heater, and it is so toasty that sometimes I don’t even get out of my easy chair to go to bed!! I just stay there all night. With a couple of cats piled on top of me soaking up the heat too…
OMG. I would lurve, lurve, lurve me some 62 degree weather. I realize I am guilty of being stupid enough to live where it gets really, really cold out in the winter but I will NOT brag about my hardy stock. Because truly? It sucks. I grew up in an old house with drafty windows, cold floors, and wood heat. Ack. And the assrape dollars and non-consensual-fisting cents?? Is there a numismatist in the house to tell us how much THOSE are worth?
If you were smart you would light saber open a banta beast and slip inside.
Me and my daughter like it cold - my wife and son like it warm. It’s a constant battle.
So I moved the thermostat into the attic, where it’s always very very hot.
We happen to be well-stocked in cats right now–I can offer you a bargain on an unspayed female who’s likely knocked up already. Interested? She’s awfully cute! First picture on my most recent blog post.
I must say that I do the same thing sitting cross-legged and all. about the “assrape dollars and non-consensual-fisting cents,” I couldn’t read much farther without taking a moment to visualize that…
Shit. I live in Minnesota where is is now a balmy 10 above zero…I keep the furnace at 63 degrees and everyone thinks I’m crazy for being so cheap. (Except for the ass-raping power company, of course) I figure I can either live in the house and freeze, or pay the ass-rapers what they want from my cardboard box…and freeze.
Man…I leave for the Philippines/Thailand in two weeks. I’ll be on a beautiful beach sucking drinks out of a coconut in 87 degree weather shortly…………
It can’t come soon enough.
I would die of hypothermia if my thermostat was jammed at 62, I’m currently lounging at a toasty 73 and if ANYONE attempted to touch it I would bite their fingers off.
I’ll sacrifice anything but my warmth.
I could never survive north of the I-10 line, because
62!?! Dear GOD that’s freezing. Would you hate me if I say that our thermostat is set to a constant 76 for most the year?
i also set my thermostat rather low. in the winter it is around 62 when i am home and 58 while i am at work. every night is a two dog night in this house! fortunately both dogs are large and like to snuggle.
although, i have to admit, i do crank it up to 65 when i shower. hate stepping out into cold.
Wait, I always tuck my pants into my socks. I thought that was just because it looked cool.