1) You like boobs, right? Admit it. We all like boobs. Nobody doesn’t like boobs. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that nobody doesn’t not unlike no boobs. For that reason ALONE you should go vote (relatively safe for work) for Dizzy von Damn for this year’s Viva Las Vegas rockabilly burlesque competition. Miss Dizzy is actually a close personal friend of mine, and I’m pretty sure that if you voted for her, she’d let you continue to read my blog as a reward.
“But” you begin to say as the hamster gets up off his ass and lazily saunters over to the rusty wheel inside your head, “why should I vote for a complete stranger?” Two reasons: 1) I’m telling you to, and 2) because the 40 other girls don’t deserve to win. So go vote. Scroll down to “Dizzy von Damn” (in the tenth row, on the left) and click vote.
Remember, it’s for the good of the boobies.
2) The Great Glen Burnie Annual Christmas Tree Throw-out has begun! All over Glen Burnie idiotic and inconsiderate families have begun pitching their Christmas trees out of moving automobiles onto the the side of the road.
“Well,” you say to yourself, hamster flopping wildly and kicking its legs like crazy in an attempt to get into the hamster wheel, “that’s probably because Glen Burnie hasn’t designated a specific day for the trash collectors to come around and pick up the trees.” In fact, they have. All the lazy idiots have to do is drag their tree to the curb, and in a few days, as if by magic, it will disappear. No more loading the tree into the ancient station wagon, reaching a top speed of 40 miles per hour, and pitching it out into the middle of the highway while simultaneously dodging the myriad other drivers doing exactly the same thing. No sir. Instead they can just sit home, stuffing their faces with pallet upon pallet of deep-fried corn-chip-stuffed Twinkies, waiting for the tree to be hauled away. And yet, on the way to work I dodged 5 trees that had been left in the middle of the road, and observed a dozen more that had rolled to the side by the curb.
3) For the umpteenth year in a row, I have made no new year’s resolutions. As many of you already know, I am so fucking awesome.
“Gruh,” you say to yourself, jiggling your head slightly in an attempt to get the now napping hamster to run on his wheel, “fuffer nubs hoo blah muko pahoodie.” Yes, well, be that as it may, I don’t really see any reason to make a big deal out of it being a new year. If you want to do something, just do it. Don’t set up a magical signifier attached to a specific date because it doesn’t make any sense to do so. Time is a construct created and adhered to by our world because we had to find some way to measure how fast our pizzas were delivered. Do you really want to apply the same constraints to your health? Or your ambitions? I certainly don’t. If you want to climb a mountain, go climb it. If you want to go back to school, go do it. If you want to lose some weight, go for a walk. Don’t make this year the year you do something, make today the day you do something. Take care of it right now. If you can’t do it right now, start making plans right now for when you can do it. I’m sorry to get all preachy and up on my high horse, but this is my blog and I’ll do whatever I want you you can just shut your stupid face-hole. I just get frustrated seeing people set lofty far-away goals based on a new year, rather than setting realistic achievable goals based on what they can do today. Sort of like, “I’m going to lose 200 pounds this year!” rather than, “Today I’m going to go for a 15 minute walk.” I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. Sorry to end on a downer. I guess you can always go back to the link up top and look at more boobies.
Voted for her. Can I read your blog still, now?
Always a safe bet my attention will be captured with the words “boobs” and “vote” in general proximity to one another. Voted.
Just so you know, my hamster is not running on a wheel inside my head.
Also, if you haven’t already, you must see the alt zombie flick “Fido”. Very funny. Not “Shaun of the Dead” funny, but still.
“deep-fried corn-chip-stuffed Twinkies”
That sounds delicious…
#3, good idea. I was going to stop reading this blog forever. Instead,
Resolved: I won’t read this blog today.
Damn! Fucked up already.
I agree about resolutions, so trite and pointless. There’s been an influx of fatties at my gym, undoubtedly believing this is the year they finally hit their goal when in fact they’re two weeks away from giving up all over again. Plus they never stopped inhaling fried chicken and bon bons in the first place.
“Time is a construct created and adhered to by our world because we had to find some way to measure how fast our pizzas were delivered.”
You’ve developed a new Postmodern school of thought with that one.
And I voted for your friend (she’s cute), but Miss Foxie Moxie is my favorite, and it was hard not to vote for Ravenna Black when her songs are “Keep on Churnin’ til the Butter Comes” by Wynonie Harris and “Open Up The Back Door” by Hank Ballard and the Midnighters
Ok, I voted for her! It’s a good thing I like boobs!
I voted for her just on the basis of the name, so I get to read still, right?
Cool :)
dizzy told me to say thanks. =)
Damn you. Do know how many blisters that web site is going to earn me? It’s going to look like my dick fell down the side of a mountain.
It seems all the cool kids are quoting you so far be it from me not to jump on the band wagon:
“Don’t make this year the year you do something, make today the day you do something. Take care of it right now.”
I would but I just can’t be arsed.
There were A LOT of people at the gym last night. WAY more people than I like to see at the gym. I couldn’t get on a machine I wanted.
I can’t wait for people to start blowing off their resolutions so I don’t have to workout next to someone who stinks and isn’t taking it seriously.
I sound like such a bitch right now.
I was scared to go vote cuz I didnt know how ‘pornographic looking’ the whole deal was. And Im at work. Bummer.
Can I jump on the gym-bitch bandwagon for a second?
You can always tell when it’s January because the gym suddenly looks like your local pool, or the beach at Ocean City, or Wal-Mart.
Buncha fatties who should’ve been at the gym years ago but won’t be there in three weeks.
I hate to take this position, but you’re infringing upon my regularly scheduled workout time, so… if you’re going to give up, just give up NOW.
Thanks, I feel much better.
I’m going to lose 200 pounds this year!
And then I’m going to come live in your basement.