1) I woke up this morning to a cacophony of noise. I’ll wait while you go look that up.
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else…
Oh, you’re back. Didn’t see you there. Anyway, when I woke up there was a helicopter hovering overhead; the apartment complex next door had the landscaping people out to mow the non-existent grass; my Roomba, Roombie, was vacuuming and caroming around the house; and Sherlock and Wookie were tear-assing around the house in a game I like to call, “I will punch you each in the goddamned cat-colon if you don’t settle the fuck down.”
The irony is, this is the first day of my winter vacation*, and my first chance to sleep in has already been ruined. I forsee cats chained to litter boxes in the near future.
2) A conversation recently had by my brothers and I about our new extended-family email list; a list created exclusively for news, planning, and information, and not idiotic email forwards. My uncle is the offender I’m referring to in this case.
Me: So which one of you guys is going to lay the smacketh down for this? I know you’re thinking, “Oh, it’s Christmas, it’ll be fine.” And I’m thinking the same thing. But by March our inboxes will be overflowing
with urban legends about email causing cancer, animated jpegs of the baby Jesus, and every other unfunny piece of nonsense that clogs up the ‘tubes.
Desk Job: [sends regulating email to entire family]
Desk Job: [to me and Mokie] Hope the whole family doesn’t hate me now.
Me: I think you’re fine. You did a pretty good job of putting it diplomatically. Plus, if they give you any trouble you can just shove (your two and a half week old son)** in their face and they’ll settle down.
Mokie: Alternatively, if you need to get some distance, just throw him like a football. I bet that little guy makes a pretty good spiral.
Me: Mokie! That is uncalled for! He is a baby. Do you have any sense? You don’t throw babies. You punt them.
Desk Job: You’re both a bunch of jerks. If you punt a baby he’ll get hurt. If you throw a baby, someone will probably catch him, and the spiral of baby vomit will hit lots of bystandards.
Mokie: I really hope your spelling of “bystandards” was an intentional mashing-together of “bystander” and “retard.” I nominate it for word of the year.
Desk Job: Uh, yeah, that’s it. Shut up.
3) Wookie just jumped in my lap and put her butt in my face, and it smelled like kibbles. Not like butt. Not like butt and kibbles. Just kibbles. Somehow, that was more horrifying.
*As such, blogging will be light from now to January 2, but I’ll be sure to pop in from time to time. If you had an RSS reader, this wouldn’t be such a big deal.
**Yeah, my older brother be-nephewed me a few weeks ago. No, I don’t tell you everything because it’s not necessarily any of your goddamned business.
Just wanted to say I toasted you last night as I gratefully drained an ice cold glass of nog with a hearty shot of Captain Morgan…hope you have a splendid holiday!
I didn’t even have to look it up.
YOU THINK WE’RE ALL DUMB, DON’T YOU!
Everyone knows what cacophony means! It was part of the title of a Simple Minds album, for crying out loud!
Cacophony sounds dirty if you mis-pronounce it.
DJ, congrats on the new kid. I used to hold mine upside down, when he was a few months old, to the whorification of some of my older relatives. But babies are pretty resilient. It just used to make him giggle.
He’s more fun now. The other day, we had a discussion about meta-language. What was real and what wasn’t. Grandma’s real, Cars are real. SpongeBob’s not real. Ghosts aren’t real because you can’t touch them. Your hand goes right through them. I wonder if he really understands the difference between a ghost being not real in the meta-sense as well as the literal sense.
The little weasel makes me laugh almost every day. You have so much to look forward to!
I stumbled onto your blog through Technorati. I don’t want to be rude in any way, so pleased don’t take offense, but, before you imply that your readers are ignorant, you might want to look up “cacophony” yourself. It means loud or annoying sounds or noise. “Noise” is an integral part of the definition of “cacophony”, hence your use of the word “noise” in the phrase “a cacophony of noise” is redundant. You can’t have a cacophony of anything but noise. Your sentence is equivalent to saying “I woke up this morning to a lot of annoying noise of noise.”
OK. Feel free to refer to me as anal retentive now. Or you might be able to come up with some more colorful descriptions of me. Your choice.
SMaiden- Why thank you! Though bourbon would have been better.
Stephanie- I’m glad SOMEONE studied for the SATs.
Poppy- Think?
SoG- “Whorification”!? Bwa ha ha! That’s so awesome. I really hope that was intentional.
Joel- Joel. Buddy. Hombre. I insult my readers because I love them. And I don’t proofread my blog before I post because I love myself, and that would make blogging feel like work. Thanks for the catch though. You can be my editor any day. Cheers!
Also, your readers are totally ignorant. I had to look up “noise” and it said “see cacophony” and that entry said “see noise”… I was flipping back and forth for 18 hours, damn you!!!
…and Joel went down in a cacophony of throat-punching…
Anywho, I do believe it is actually “release your inhibitions“, not innovations… umm… I’m… really not proud I know this… So, to make up for my extreme idiocy (Yes, J-Hole, that is a redundancy), I am going partake in a few AssSpin nog bombs, just fer yew, ACW, to show my sincerity.
I’m so fed up with that song that as soon as I figured out what it was I gagged, rolled my eyes and skipped to the next paragraph. Unfortunately, the first two lines were enough to get that horrid bit of music stuck in my head for most of the morning. Thanks a lot ACW.
I was giving you a fake hard time. You know that, right? The only reason I know that word is because of the Simple Minds album. Got it Sophomore year of HS when I had an English teacher who was always yelling at us to “LOOK WORDS UP” if we didn’t know them. Thanks, Joe! He also taught us “tempus fugit”. Thanks again, Joe!
Joel, if ACW didn’t insult us we wouldn’t feel that special glowing love. You know the one–it resembles a bad bladder infection but in a good way…
jwer- Wait until you find out that “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary
Matt- To be honest, I just copied it from some lyrics database site. I didn’t even look at them.
emaleejayne- I do what I can.
Poppy- I know. I was fake insulting your intelligence. The best thing I learned from my English teacher in high school was, “That gentleman doesn’t know his derrière from an excavation in terra firma.”
Pandora- The bladder infection is like a burning badge of honor that proves you had sex recently. I’m glad to be that badge.
I *heart* that song. Thanks for putting it in my head (really, I’m not being sarcastic. I think.)
“Bystandards” rules! I will be using it starting immediately.
Merry Christmas.