Every year for work I make cookies for people. It’s a cheap and easy way of saying, “I recognize my societal requirement to give you a gift at this time of year, but I don’t like you enough to get you anything different than I got for the other twenty people in this office, and I also don’t care about you enough to pay more than a few cents for a gift, so here is a plastic bag with some cookies in it.” The best part is that people go wild over these fucking cookies. I give them cookies and they’re like, “Cookies? COOKIES!!!!” It’s bizarre.
Part of this might be due to a small misconception fostered by me at some point a few years ago when I originally distributed these cookies. Someone was eating the cookies while most of the office was sitting around chatting and that person said, “I know you like to be healthy, are these cookies low fat?” And I laughed a little and said, “Oh, yeah. They’re totally fat free.” which is probably one of the worst lies I’ve ever told because the cookies have visible chocolates chips in them and an extremely buttery flavor. Then I realized they were being serious, and I’ve never taken the opportunity to correct their misunderstanding.
These cookies are made with butter flavored Crisco. Pure lard. Fat. These cookies are made with fat. They’re not even as healthy as cookies made with huge globs of fresh creamery butter. Any idiot can look at these cookies and see that they are crammed with fat. By touching these cookies it becomes clear that the primary ingredient is artery-clogging deliciousness. One bite of these cookies and your guts go, “Holy shit, these cookies are fattier than a baby pool full of bacon grease.” And yet people continue to praise the deliciousness of my fat free cookies. They keep asking for the recipe, but I refuse to tell them under the guise of it being a secret family recipe. A secret family recipe that you can find on the side of the Crisco container. I’m thinking maybe I should sell these cookies and call them, “Cookies for people who want to eat cookies and think they’re eating healthy because they’re too stupid to realize that cookies are never good for you and should probably be consumed in moderation rather than strapped to your face like a holiday feedbag.” The printing costs would be killer though.
People continue to think they’re fat free, and I’m not going to say anything about it, so they can indulge without feeling guilty, and I only make enough cookies for everybody to get 7 or 8 so it’s not exactly like I’m spooning Crisco directly into their faces. Though I would if I could convince them it was fat free.
ACW, this post sums up precisely why I idolize you.
BWAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!
There’s fat and there’s fat. Now that Crisco has no Trans fat, it’s a lot better for you than it used to be. But it’s not lard, it saturated vegetable oil. And Saturated fats aren’t good for you, either. Lard may actually be a better choice, unless your muslim or jewish. I think they make lard by rendering pigs and cows and the occasional slow abattoir worker, which I’m pretty sure violates some of their dietary rules. Not mine, though!
Smart Ol’ Geezer is completely agnostic when it comes to food intake. I’ll eat pigs, cows, chicken, fish. I’ve even eaten squid beaks — Not bad, kinda crunchy.
acw, if the secret ingredient truly _is_ love, make sure you don’t get any short hairs in the batter…
Oh - this is SO GREAT!! I think I am going to try this at my job….I’ll find out just how gullible doctors and scientists are when it comes to yummy cookies (because they always ask “Is this healthy? Is this low fat? etc.).
Have you ever tried I Can’t Believe It’s Not Lard? It comes in butter and olive oil flavors.
Oh man, it’s so funny how people will believe something like that so willingly. I mean, it’d be pretty bold to call you a liar.
Makes me think of the movie Fargo. At the beginning it tells you it’s a true story. But when you watch the commentary you learn that it isn’t. It’s funny.
Poppy- Idolization is a sin, unless that’s not part of your religion, then it’s not.
Lori- Indeed.
Smart ol’ geezer- I just KNEW someone would call me out on that. It’s probably too late to say that I understand the difference and was just shooting for synonyms to keep it interesting, but that’s the story.
j$- Hahahaha gross!
SSB- I think everyone should do this at work. Coworkers need to learn to not be so trusting.
TE- For reals? That sounds gross.
Antonio- I wouldn’t particularly mind being called a liar, but in this case I think it would be an unfair characterization, as you suggest.
This is so true! I baked cookies for people last year too and I’ve somehow been dubbed as this amazing cook around the office. HA!
I think I kinda like it though because last night I stayed up until 1 am melting chocolate and rolling dough and packing holiday tins. From their reactions this morning, you’d think I gave them back the joyful, youth-like hope that was ripped from their now broken souls the day they began new employee orientation.
You know what’s fat free? My homemade hot sauce. That’s what I give any simpering carpool mommy who tries to offload a baggie of non-medicinal-marijuana-containing cookies on me.
Wait, that made no sense. I make GREAT hot sauce.
Nic- Hilarious!
ynl- For serious? You make hot sauce? Would there be any way I could compensate you in exchange for some? I mean, outside of my luxuriant blogging that you get for free every day.
I’m confused. Is it specifically your blogging which is luxuriant? Or do you derive a sense of luxury from blogging?
Let me be the first to say that there’s nothing luxuriant about that smell that seems to follow you everywhere.
Let’s compensate for that smell by giving the boy a rollicking case of Fire Anus. ACW, a bottle of the good stuff has your name on it.
You’d be even more popular if you brought a case of Clamato chips.
Someone stole my comment–the “Crisco ain’t lard” one. I’m not sure how they’re getting away with claiming 0 Trans fats when most of the oils are hydrogenated and partially hydrogenated, but it’s not my problem as the only thing I use it for is curing iron skillets.
You bake cookies at Christmas time? You are so delightfully homosexual.