There’s a theory that holds a bit of popularity on these here intertubes, and it’s called the Uncanny Valley. If you’re familiar with this concept, please feel free to skip ahead to the third paragraph. If you’re not, I encourage you to read on, because my point hinges on this concept.
The uncanny valley is an explanation of human reaction to human-like objects, primarily robots. Common sense suggests that as robots begin to look more human, the more receptive we should be to those robots, giving them a more positive response. For example, an industrial car-building robot has a few human traits like dexterity and hinged-joints, so we have only a slightly positive response to it. On the other hand, a fully human-looking robot like the T-101, T-1000, or T-X from the Terminator movies each elicit a very positive response because of their humanness (as long as they aren’t trying to kill you, or turning their hands into swords or guns). So, between those two points we should see a straight line, right? Not exactly. At a certain point the robot begins to look human, but does not look human enough so we reject the robot with a negative response, much the same way we reject zombies, corpses, and fake-looking artificial limbs. Here’s a graphical representation of the uncanny valley, as well as a lot more science talk, if you’re interested in that type of thing. If you’re still having trouble grasping the concept, here’s a real-life example:
Orville Redenbacher was a purveyor of popcorn, and also acted as the face for his company in the commercials, as can be seen in this ad. He died in 1995.
Recently an ad agency decided to resurrect Mr. Redenbacher to help sell more popcorn for the Orville Redenbacher company. The horrendous result can be seen here. Despite the CGI being pretty damn good, almost everyone who has ever seen this commercial has been repulsed by it, which is why the ad was pulled in most markets shortly after it began to air. The CGI Redenbacher, or Deadenbacher as he is referred to on Wikipedia, is located somewhere in the uncanny valley; a zombie-like approximation of a once-living icon, close enough to do the job of selling popcorn, but not close enough for people to keep that popcorn down for very long. This is the also case with powdered nog.
As you can see from the carton, the Aspen Mulling Company promises nothing more than “Egg Nog Mix” but their illustration suggests they’ve packaged something drinkable; a claim, I can assure you, that surpasses the vilest of lies, crafted by Satan’s lawyers in the deepest pits of flaming torment.
I’ve included the directions here to illustrate the sheer paucity of verifiable claims. “Let stand two minutes to thicken” into disgusting undrinkable clot. “For a special treat, pour egg nog over fresh fruit.” I agree, just don’t use this eggnog. “Smoothies: Add 3 teaspoons per serving into blender.” and what else? Milk? Eggs? Diarrhea? “Bundt Cake: Add 2 tablespoons to your favorite recipe.” if you want to ruin it and make people hate you forever.
See those little yellow-orange dots floating in the off-white mixture? Those are the parts of the mix that refused to integrate with the milk even after furious stirring. I could already tell that I was about to submit my innards to some horrible abuse, equivalent to internal punching from tonsils to tailpipe.
Uggh. The first sip tasted like off-brand sugar-free vanilla pudding got knocked up by soy-nog and their baby was this screaming, head-spinning, chunk-spewing, demon-infested horror. That orange line is one of the first accumulations of unmixable nog powder that would eventually ring my glass.
See that? It’s an empty nog glass; unmixable and probably undigestable nog powder clings to the bottom. For you people I drank this. For you. So you don’t wander into the store and think, “Hey maybe I should put some powder into some milk instead of putting powder up my nose for once,” take it home and DIE when you try to ingest something that was clearly invented for someone who loves nog as much as I do. For you people I drank the equivalent of the uncanny valley of eggnog. For you people I drank the metaphorical Deadenbacher. For you people I traveled to Hell’s gates, knocked on the door, and then yanked on the chain of the three-headed demon-dog that eats souls and salivates liquid-hot magma. And for you people I let that demon-dog hump my leg. I hope you’re happy.
hehe…Deadenbacher.
Thank you. Thank you for doing this for us.
I don’t know what to think about this post. Seriously, I don’t. Really. No freaking idea. None whatsoever. Absolutely jack, is what I’ve got on it.
Besides, egg nog gives me gas. Worse than morphine.
Cheers.
I won’t be happy until you snort it.
My lunch was perfectly happy in my stomach, digesting away, and then I viewed the vile, vile creature that is a photo of leftover powdered nog. I’ve seen more appetizing orange residue growing on food in the gutter. Blech.
I loved when they made fun of that Orville Redenbacher commercial on The Soup. He says something like “You’ll taste the difference or my name isn’t Orville Redenbacher.” Joel then says, “Your name ISN’T Orville Redenbacher.”
Bleh. Thanks for taking the hit for us. I had briefly entertained the idea of stashing some of this nogcaine away so I could have nog in the off-season. I will not.
I’d like to hear your take on just why nog’s so damn expensive this year. I don’t remember it being $4.09 a half gallon last year. Was it a rainy growing-season in some creamy land that resulted in an uptick in the price per barrel of nog? Just wondering.
That last picture looks more like the residual from a dope cook, not nog… where’d you say you got that again?
Oh come on, ya wuss! Don’t you remember eating eggnog soap last year? This couldn’t have been worse…
…could it?
You are just freaking awesome!
see, I have the unpopular opinion here. I think it’s a crock of shit that you do this “for you people” (meaning us). I think you are just a sick man who does sick things because he likes to, then tries to pull some Jewish mother BS by trying to make us feel guilty.
(reference: title to this post)
well, it didn’t word for me, sick man! I don’t feel a bit guilty.
Also, you’re *so* metro.
I have been reading your recent posts with interest but I have a question. What is egg nog?
Zenchick,
“Also, you’re *so* metro.”
I’ve thought the same thing ever since he published the pic of himself wrapped up in his wife’s coat!
Even though he had cropped out his head, you could still see the residual glow of beautitude on his face.
Awww, and I thought you didn’t care about your blog readers. Nothing sais I care like drinking creamy vomit.
The Lauraville Safeway has been completely sold out of eggnog for several weeks now, except for the odd half-gallon that doesn’t stay
on the dried milk-encrusted wire shelves for long.
Maybe they’re shipping it all to the thirsty troops?
Only ACW could weave together nog, robotics, and Orville Redenbacher in the same post. I shudder to imagine what passes through that mind but *doesn’t* get blogged.
i love this post. WIN.
You are most gracious for drinking that. It looks like jizz mixed with orange food coloring. Is that a drink yet?
Orville reincarnated scared me. Does Wikipedia seriously refer to him as Deadenbacher? Because that is awesome.
you should know that i pointed someone in this direction as a good explanation for the uncanny valley. one of the burlesque girls i know is the uncanny valley of pinup-sexuality.
you’d have to see it to believe it.
Aw, come on. I have extremely fond memories of granular egg nog mix from my childhood - unless they’ve drastically changed the formulation, it simply cannot be that bad. Tell you what - if you can’t finish it, please send it to me. Consider it an early birthday present (for you or for me, doesn’t matter).
Thank you for the very interesting information on the uncanny valley.
Ha! I was just trying to remember what that concept was called. The principle had come up in a discussion about boob jobs. ;)