Like the other folks I’ve seen who have posted about this, I saw the below beer-like item in the store and couldn’t resist purchasing it.
The can says that beer, clamato, salt, and lime is the perfect combination, but even before tasting it, I was pretty sure that was a lie.
And as you can see here, this portion of the can says that it’s got “natural flavor” and “certified color”. Wait. What? Certified color? What the hell does that mean? Certified at doing what? By whom? I’m beginning to think this is a really bad idea.
Sweet clamato-infused Jesus, there’s MORE text?! I didn’t have any idea that Bud Light had such a opinion of their customers and their customer’s level of literacy. For those of you with tiny monitors (iPhone douchebags, I’m talking to you) or with poorly-functioning old-people eyes, the text says “Enjoy the best of two worlds: a refreshing Bud Light and the unique flavor of Clamato. Drink a Red One, ready to go, or use your favorite ingredients to make it yours - wherever, whenever!” Alright, I have more than a few problems with this statement so let’s break it down:
The best of two worlds- I’m pretty sure neither Bud Light nor Clamato is the best of any worlds, and if they are the best of two worlds, I don’t want to visit either of those inbred, disease-ridden, planetary Wal-Marts.
the unique flavor of Clamato- Unique, because who else besides the original inventor would think, “You know what would make tomatoes better? Clams!”
Drink a Red One- A “Red One”?! Really? Really? This is the nickname you came up with, Bud Light? Somebody needs to be fired.
use your favorite ingredients to make it yours- “Hey honey! HONEY! We got any of that ham and broccoli casserole left? I’ma add it to my Bud Light Clamato because I’m about to make this bitch MINE!”
wherever, whenever- “Yes, interstates, road trips, daily commutes, whatever. We don’t care.”
We’re only through the label and I already hate this shit, so it had better taste like a canned orgasm.
That is not right. That is not good.
Oh, yeah, THERE’S a color found in nature. “We painted this room Sky Blue, and this one is Pine Green, and the baby’s room is Murderous Rampage with no Survivors that ended in a Bloody Bullet-Ridden Carcass, or Clamato Red, as we like to call it. It’s the color of insanity!”
“Yes, yes,” I can hear you screeching at your computer, “but how does it taste, you malignant douchebag?!” Well, I thought long and hard about it, and am prepared to offer only this: Imagine if you mixed Bloody-Mary mix and beer and drank that. You’d think, “Hey, this isn’t really that bad.” So then you proceed to have two dozen of them, and eat a wheelbarrow full of day-old clams that have been sitting in the sun. Eventually your body stages an uprising, and you pass out on a hotel bed that hasn’t has its linens changed in weeks. All through the night your body excretes from every pore the horrible sweat that can only be brewed after ingesting beer, clams, and tomato juice. That sweat soaks into the bed until it eventually forms a puddle, and for some reason that puddle and all the excess moisture in your sheets is later wrung out into an old rusty bucket.
Drinking a Bud Light Chelada is like drinking from that bucket.
