Archive for October, 2007

It’s this or hearing about staining my deck.

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Anonymous Coworker
on October 16, 2007 @ 10:19 am
in POS Tercel, meta blogging and nerd stuff
. 19 Comments

Alright children, gather round because Uncle ACW is going to tell you a story. But don’t gather too close because the mean old judge said I had to stay at least 10 feet away from all minors after the “pudding catapult” incident. There you go. Now settle down, and listen up.

A long long time ago a magical wizard lived in some sort of house or something somewhere. Let’s say a split-level two-bedroom in the suburbs. Whatever. Anyway, this wizard invents a magical device for people to share information about what they find interesting, and he decides to call it a blog for some reason. Maybe he was an idiot. I don’t know. Shut up. Initially blogs weren’t very popular, because the Crazy Cat Ladies of Eastern Bonkersville dominated the blogs. Slowly but surely other people added their own blogs, and they became a rich tapestry of varied interests. Anyone could learn more about seemingly random strangers from all over the world, and suddenly, everyone had a blog.

Slowly things started to go bad, but it was almost imperceptible. Blogationistratas, as the blogsite owners were known, felt pressure from readers and other blogationistratas to update their blogs with new posts as frequently as possible, so the blogs eventually reverted back to the content of the Crazy Cat Ladies, or worse! Some blogationistratas resorted to hackneyed writing devices like storytelling because the only thing they had going on in their lives was staining their deck and replacing a failing starter on their 1996 POS Tercel, and they couldn’t find a way to make a funny or interesting story out of that.

Eventually all blogs became monuments to tedium and monotony as blogationistratas became too lazy to even create nonsensical non-posts as a way to explain the lack of new content. The days and years that followed that period were marked by posts that described in infinitesimal detail mundane acts like walking, chewing, and brushing teeth.

Eventually the spell was broken, because I guess a bad spell was cast at some point or something, and interesting content flowed forth once more, because maybe the witch or wizard or troll or whatever that cast the spell was killed and that’s what broke the spell. I don’t even care. But anyway the point is everybody agreed that the boring stuff was at least as good as, if not only slightly worse than, reading nothing.

Stuffed Shells, Sex Perverts, and My Parents

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Anonymous Coworker
on October 11, 2007 @ 11:13 am
in Mrs. ACW, food, movies, potty humor, school and sex
. 28 Comments

Last night my life took a turn for the bizarre, if only momentarily.

I have class on Wednesday nights, and since school is so much closer to Mokie’s house than it is to my house, and since Mrs. ACW’s class starts as soon as my class lets out, I usually head over to Mokie’s for dinner. That is, as long as there’s nothing good on TV. See, I get HBO and Cinemax, whereas Mokie gets nothing, so before I go over to his house I call to gt him to check TV Guide to see what movies might be showing. Most of the time it’s crap like Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (which I’ve now seen about 5 times), or something like Fried Green Steel Magnolias Under the Tuscan Runaway Bride, so I opt to have some dinner with my brother. But he knows that if something badass comes on, like Bloodsport, or Timecop, or Street Fighter, then I’ll have to go home and watch that instead of coming to dinner.

But that’s all beside the point. Last night there was nothing on TV so I went over for a dinner of stuffed shells and joined my parents at my brother’s house. As after-dinner conversations usually do, ours turned to wetsuit/mechanical asphyxia fetishists. My parents were unfamiliar with the person or subject in question, so my brother and I elaborated delicately, initially leaving out the fact that the gentleman had a condom-covered dildo stuffed up his ass. I originally said something like, “They found a foreign object in a delicate location” and my mom belched out, “Don’t tell me he had a fish up there!” All the while my dad was still trying to figure out why someone would don two wetsuits, half a dozen belts, and rubber underpants.

“I guess that’s what got him off” we responded. They were both incredulous, so we had to explain to them that there was a continuum of sexual behaviors that ranged from “normal” to “abnormal” both of these terms being relatively meaningless, but provided for their benefit. More accurate labels would probably be “performed by many people in a population” to “performed by very few people in a population”. I think we got them to understand that the wetsuit thing was on the “abnormal” end, but I’m not sure they realized that as a continuum there are many different kinks between missionary position and wetsuits. So we, of course, jumped right into poop fetishes.

A moderately uncomfortable conversation followed where my brother and I argued for personal freedom from government intrusion into sexuality and with my dad saying that it’s because of crazy fetishes like these that he never wants to shake anyone’s hand (wtf?) and my mom throwing out the tired canard that if we let people have weird sex we have to let people have sex with children and animals. I immediately countered by saying that kids and animals can’t give consent, but I think by that point they were both suitably horrified and said that it was time for them to leave.

Sensing their discomfort my brother and I changed the subject and they settled down for another 15 minutes or so.

When I was leaving my dad gave me a hug, and being the thoughtful reassuring son that I am I asked him, “How can you be sure I’m not into putting fish in my butt?”

What fresh Hell is this?

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on October 9, 2007 @ 8:56 am
in Mrs. ACW, food and nog
. 20 Comments

pumpkin nog 002

The other day Mrs. ACW and I were at the grocery store, and because I have OCD Mrs. ACW is kind enough to organize the list based on what section of the store we need to get stuff from: produce, cans and dried goods, meat, dairy, you get the picture. We usually pick up the meat and then head for the dairy, and because it’s October and I recently saw a full-on balls-to-the-wall Christmas display up at Lowes, I figured there was a slim chance that they’d have some nog in stock.

We went over to the dairy section, and there was nary a hint of nog to be found. So we picked up some milk and yogurt and turned around to head to the registers, when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a special dairy case, having nothing to do with reindeer. I had forgotten about this little dairy case! This is the dairy case that sells seasonally relevant dairy food-products. For example, a few weeks before Thanksgiving they’ll start selling butter in the shape of turkeys. Mrs. ACW will never let me buy one, even when I throw myself to the floor of the store and hold my breath and stamp my feet. There were no butter-turkeys there yet, but the smaller dairy case was filled up with all manner of coffee creamers, one of which was eggnog, which I would never purchase again anyway.

I was almost about to wander away when I noticed that below the shelf of creamers was a full shelf of pumpkin nog, pictured above. I knew I needed to buy some, even if it looked like it might kill me.

I took it home and poured myself a glass.

pumpkin nog 004

If there’s a color and consistency that screams “Drink me!” I assure you, this is not it.

At first it tasted pretty good. I compared it to someone who had filled a blender with eggnog and then dropped in a slice of pumpkin pie and blended the bejesus out of it. But after a few more sips it tasted mostly like Pumpkin Spice Coffeemate coffee creamer mixed with eggnog. There was a definite chemical flavoring taste going on there that was not very pleasant. I’m not even sure what the chemically taste was coming from because the ingredients look pretty standard, and the stuff even contains dehydrated pumpkins.

All in all I was glad I tried it, but I don’t think I’ll be having it again. It just tastes too fake. If I wanted fake tasting nog with pumpkin flavoring I’d just dump some eggnog creamer in a cup with pumpkin creamer and drink that.

Finally: what the fuck? Nog season has started already, and I don’t think my body is ready for it yet. I guess the lesson here is, “be careful of what you wish for”.

Welcome to Anonymouscoworker.com 3.0

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on October 8, 2007 @ 8:55 am
in art, awesome, i am so fucking awesome, jesus is fo' shizzle, meta blogging, nerd stuff, sex and the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs
. 21 Comments

Or, I guess technically it’s Anonymouscoworker.com 2.0, and anonymouscoworker 3.0, because I started off with that shitty Blogger program. Good grief was that a terrible piece of crap. No offense to those of you who still use it, of course. I’m lucky enough to have a gifted brother who looks after all this shit. I just keep talking out of my ass and typing it up on this here internetmajob and he makes sure it looks good. Though in fairness, Common Wombat sent me that caricature-cartoon-drawing-thing a while back to cheer me up and it’s since been a central feature of the site’s design, so props to him on that one.

So anyway, feel free to poke around and try out stuff like the search bar, which now, as opposed to before, should actually pull up relevant results… AS YOU TYPE. Cool! Also, we’ll be adding and removing features in the next few weeks, so if you see something getting all effed up, send me an email and lemme know, we might not be aware of it.

Finally, nothing with regard to content is really going to change. I’m still going to write things like, “it’s like you’re banging Jesus right in the crap-factory and it feels like he’s got two badgers in there fighting a monkey with nunchucks.” And you’ll still comment like, “omg wtf lol” and basically contribute nothing to the conversation.

Enjoy!

What the hell? UPDATED

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on October 5, 2007 @ 10:38 am
in bitches, people are idiots and work
. 23 Comments

Okay, two quick things:

If someone says, “Have a nice day” to you, do you say:

a) Thanks.
b) You too.
c) a combination of a and b
d) something similar in reply

Or do you give the crazy-ass socially retarded answer I just got, which is, “I will.” Who the fuck says, “I will”? Like, now that I’ve told you to have a nice day you’ve reconsidered having a terrible day and decided against it in favor of a good day? Or are you spitefully throwing in my face that you already decided to have a good day and you just feel it necessary to reinforce your point? What the hell?

Second thing. I just introduced myself to someone and said, “Hey, nice to meet you, I’m ACW.” They responded, “I’m Mrs. Lastname.” Who the fuck does that? Who has such an enormous redwood of a log up their ass that they can’t introduce themselves by their first name? Or do you think they’re just so in love with patriarchy that they can’t think of themselves as anything other than someone’s property? I mean, the only case in which I can see this as being appropriate is if you’re 4 years old and you’re introducing yourself to a teacher. Otherwise, don’t be a douchebag and play the power game with names. It’s stupid, and it makes you more annoying than a burlap sack full of sweaty cocks.

Also, can you believe that this was two different people? When did the world become so fucking awkward?

UPDATE: This is relevant to the discussion in comments, it’s just stand-up, but some douchebag thought it would be funnier with anime characters or some such nonsense. Is it any surprise the first decision I make when I meet someone is, “Will I eventually have to kill you because of your idiocy?” Right now if you’re wondering, “Is he talking about me?” then yes, I am talking about you. Anyway, on to the comedy-

Or maybe he’s just a moron

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on October 4, 2007 @ 9:35 am
in POS Tercel, bitches and people are idiots
. 15 Comments

The other day I was driving home from work, and I happened upon an accident at the intersection detailed below.

map plain

I had already waited through one cycle of the light and could tell that something was going on in the intersection in front of me. Once all the cars that were able to do so made it through the light and across the intersection, I saw that two cars had collided directly across the intersection from me. Once again, this has been detailed below for your convenience.

accident

As I was waiting at the light, with no cars obstructing my view of the accident, a police car sped past me on the right and approached the scene, parked his car and lazily exited the vehicle and approached the scene. Seeing as how the the intersection was already jacked up from the accident, where do you think the cop parked?

Continue reading ‘Or maybe he’s just a moron’

November Blogger Happy Hour

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on October 2, 2007 @ 2:49 pm
in beer and happy hour
. 12 Comments

What: The October/November AKA Octovember Blogger Happy Hour.

With: Your hosts! Me Danielle and Charissa.

Who: Baltimore Bloggers. Any Bloggers. Blog Readers. People Known By Acronyms on Other People’s Blogs. Me and You and Everyone We Know.

Where: Holy Frijoles, 908 W. 36th St., Hampden

When: Friday, November 2nd, 6pm.

Why: Beers. Bloggers. More beers. More Bloggers. Margaritas. What’s not to love?

All right now, mark your calendars, post away and spread the happy hour love.

Looking forward to seeing you there!

(Lifted almost verbatim from Danielle’s blog)

I don’t know what percent fat it ended up at

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on October 1, 2007 @ 9:30 am
in Mrs. ACW and food
. 17 Comments

This morning I was in a rush to get out the door, so I poured myself a heaping bowl of Cheerios without checking to see how much milk we had. One of the things I hate most in life is having to pour a bowl of cereal back into the cereal box because we don’t have any milk. Drives me bonkers. In the past I’ve improvised with orange-juice and fruity-flavored cereals like Fruit Loops, Trix, and Fruity Pebbles. But orange juice just won’t cut it with Cheerios.

So I poured what little skim milk was left in the carton into the cereal, and racked my brain for something to bring the liquid to the required levels. My options were slim. We had some buttermilk, which was plentiful, but I wasn’t in the mood for milk as thick as yogurt and that tasted like sour cream. We also had some soy milk, but if I wanted to drink baby-vomit, I would go find a baby. My third choice seemed the most reasonable, so I poured some half-and-half into my cereal. The first taste was… interesting. I had gone easy on the half-and-half, so the liquid levels in the cereal were still sub-optimal, but there was enough half-and-half that it tasted like I was drinking unsalted butter that had been melted.

So I got the crazy idea to add water to the whole mess until liquid levels reached the status quo, and was quite surprised to find out that skim milk plus half-and-half plus water pretty much ends up tasting like skim milk. Not exactly the awesomest way to have a bowl of cereal in the morning, but enough like regular milk and cereal that I wasn’t gagging my breakfast down.

Oh, and hon, if you’re reading this, we need more milk.

Also related: wtf?

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