For my birthday Mrs. ACW special ordered some British food that I had fallen in love with on our honeymoon. Tea, marmalade, and particularly, crisps (or chips). If you’ve never had chips in another country, you have not lived. They have flavors that we haven’t even THOUGHT of yet. For example, the most exciting thing to happen to Doritos in the past 20 years is that they went from Cool Ranch and Nacho Cheese to Cooler Ranch and Nacho Cheesier. Are you kidding me? I know pre-schoolers who eat crayons and playdough that could come up with better flavors than that. For example, the British have great flavors like Paprika and Thai Chili, and terrible-sounding but great-tasting flavors like “Lamb and Mint” and “Steak and Onion”, and terrible-sounding and terrible-tasting flavors like Pickled Onion. My point is that the British go out on a limb, they take risks, and they’re not afraid to take a risk with disgusting-sounding food.
Which brings me to my point: my wife also procured a Spotted Dick in a can.
Made by the good people who bring you such desserts as ketchup and baked beans, so you know it’s going to be delicious. We never had the Spotted Dick while we were over there, but we certainly laughed childishly every time we passed a restaurant and it was featured as the dessert. Tee hee, a dessert named after a dong.
I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect when I opened the can. But I can assure you that it wasn’t this:
It’s like a fully-baked little cake in there! Whoever thought of putting cakes in cans is probably an unrecognized genius, and has to go home to a wife that nags him and children that berate him when, truth be told, he’s pretty much the greatest person who ever lived. Like, if Ghandi and Nelson Mandela had a sexy, non-violent sack-fest and somehow a baby popped out of that, that baby would be like, “Me? Shit, no! I don’t hold a candle to the cake in a can guy. He’s AWESOME.” Anyway, so, yes. Cake in a can. Here’s what it looks like out of the can:
Roughly the consistency of a fruit-cake, and equally as appealing looking, the can instructs me to put a bowl on top of this monstrosity and then stick the whole mess in the microwave for a minute-and-a-half.
Who’s got the dirtiest microwave-door on the internet? I do!
I was none too happy to find, when I took the Dick out of the microwave and removed the bowl, that Dick juice had leaked out of the Dick and collected on the edge of the plate. You can see the Dick juice accumulation on the edge of the plate here:
Finally we sat down with this spongy aberration in front of us and timidly dug in:
It was delicious! It was warm and cinnamon-y and the raisins (AKA “the spots”) were delightful! It was like raisin-bread meets carrot cake, or something like that. Mrs. ACW and I ate the whole damn thing, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t considering licking the Dick juice off the plate. I hope this isn’t the last time I have a warm, moist Dick in my mouth!
I had a Spotted Dick once, but the penicillin cleared it up.
Apparently Mrs. ACW doesn’t have a gag reflex. Lucky.
“Spotted Dick in the can” sounds like a good way to catch AIDs.
Sometimes I like to imagine that I’m the type of person who takes risks and goes outside his comfort zone every now and then. Sometimes I like to think I’m a funny writer, too.
Then you go off and literally eat a can of Dick and then write a blog post ending in your desire to have more dick in your mouth in the future!
It would be wrong of me to not mention that my coworkers are now confused as to why I’m giggling like a schoolgirl.
Something tells me that this isn’t the first time that you and Mrs ACW have shared the same dick.
Also, steak and onion crisps are yummy. I should avoid the prawn cocktail ones if I were you, though… although maybe I’m just not as into cock.
Must. Stop. Laughing.
Coworkers. Looking. At. me. Strangely.
Yes, yes, this post had the intended effect. Oh, but for me it was horrible. I had my boss in my line of sight and I had to read the whole thing without showing emotion on my face whatsoever. Do you have any idea how hard that is? After one of YOUR posts? It’s almost sacrilege to NOT laugh… I think I hurt myself.
Sounds like the Mr. Mugs title that never made it to print:
Spotted Dick in a can.
Opened the can.
Run, Dick, Run!
…or am I the only one that remembers Mr. Mugs books? (Possibly, as it was a Canadian thing…)
I steered clear of some of the more exotic chip flavors when I was in the UK, but then at this point I had already tangled with some of the flavor combinations they came up with in Japan such as the Funky Soy Sauce Pringles.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=CwONrzvE73I
Ignore the comment about Prawn Cocktail, they’re great. Of course though I am a sucker for the Pickled Onion too. My friends has an English themed bar in his basement and always keeps it stocked with Walkers.
I think you should make this a regular food post, doing each of the oddly named food products:
http://hubpages.com/hub/Funny_Food_Names_-_List_and_Pic...
(there was also a bread called “Black Pump” I used to see in Boston (Pepperidge Farms??), which apparently decided we weren’t smart enough to say Pumpernickel).
You are so inappropriate it’s almost criminal. And I love you.
imagine the utter delight of a fresh dick. i mean canned is good and all… but fresh is best.
I was almost falling off my chair laughing when MY boss walked by, so I told her what I was reading. She had a good laugh too. That’s the kind of boss I have!! (Eat your hearts out, everyone….)
Guy across from me comes over and says, “What you reading?”
My response, “I’m reading up on spotted dick.” and he turned away shaking his head…
Looks like no promotion at this company :P
I take it you’ve never had “bubble & squeak”. No, it’s not the after-effects of bad Chinese food, either. Amusing name, though.
Glad you enjoyed your Dick!
AVERT YOUR GAZE.
Ugh. *puke*
Did they have any Chocolate Dick?
Yes, Prawn Cocktail crisps are, in fact, the bomb.
“licking the Dick juice off the plate”
There are actually several websites that already feature such activity… um, so I’ve been told.
WHenever I see a reference to Spotted Dick, I think of King Ralph.
This post made me think of your egg-nog thing and how pretty soon it’s going to be egg-nog season.
Are you sure those were raisins??
Please, oh, please say ‘dick juice’ one more time….. *sigh*
Spotted dick jokes go down so easily there’s practically no gag reflex.
So, I should be getting ready to make more eggnog soap?
Pand0ra- My soap eating days are over. I appreciate the thought, though!
Good lord. I’ve seen that in the store…and YOU ATE IT! I’m so proud and honored to know you.
I’m oddly aroused. Too much talk of licking up the dick juice, and warm dick in your mouth…
I AM KEGELING AND I CANNOT STOP.
I need me some dick … and when I’m done… some spotted dick in a can.
I can’t wait to read what kind of freaks find your blog via google searches for “Why is my dick spotted?”
Normally when I see a spotted dick I run the other way, or at least put my dress back on. Sounds kinda yummy though.
Thanks for the Thursday morning guffaw. ;)
Speaking of spotted dick, or more specifically spots on dicks…
Did anyone else see this bit on Dr. 90210?
This thing is like a PSA for club-crawlers…
This post could’ve gone any number of ways. I think the play-by-play action is what brought dignity and maturity to what could’ve otherwise been a baked goods disaster.
Tastefully done.
To be fair, I only maligned “Prawn Cocktail” in hopes that more cock jokes would be made…
Excellent work by Mrs. ACW. I love to tuck into a bit of Spotted Dick after having had me some of that Toad In The Hole.
Well, now you’ve just outdone yourself. I also read this at work and tried to comment before, but the “you’ve been naughty and not nice” oversized company logo popped up on the screen like a sexually-repressed Republican. Apparently, having “penis” in the URL is a bit of a problem. I personally think the company could benefit from a little more dick juice myself, but what do I know?
ACW, no one makes me giggle like a school girl quite like you do.
ALS- For some reason my spam-blocker keeps catching your comments. Not sure why. Maybe you should come up with a more real-looking fake email.
Wow, I don’t visit this blog for awhile and nearly miss out on this hilarious entry. I’m gonna have to import some of these chips from the UK. Not sure if I have the taste for Dick though.