27 years ago today a young boy was born unto this world. Save for a few soothsayers and seers, none knew the true power - nor the soul-rending awesomeness - that was imbued in this boy. It should be noted, however, that upon the moment of his birth, the earth trembled, spewing molten lava into the heavens; and the sky grew dark with clouds as lightning danced a terrifying tribute from horizon to horizon. Stars shook themselves loose from their fixtures in the cosmos and hurtled themselves across the vastness of space in the hopes that the boy’s gaze might casually chance upon their luminescent, fiery self-immolation before passing beyond the visible range of his young eyes.
Unfortunately, no one else on Earth noticed any of this, and if they did they simply shrugged and chalked it up to weathermen never being right. Then they went back to watching Miami Vice, having horrible ideas about fashion, and fluffing their Flock of Seagulls haircuts.
As time plodded inexorably forward, however, more and more people learned the truth about this super-intelligent, epically-bewanged, ruggedly-handsome young man. In fact, it has been writ by the hand of an unknown scribe in the Lost Codex of Universal Knowledge that on the day of the twenty-seventh year of this man’s birth the gods would look down from their empyrean citadels and weep with the knowledge that their reign of the past eons and millenniums would be wrenched from their desperate grasping claws by the self-same soul they had fashioned from the concentrated quintessence of their collective hubris. The Codex goes on to describe the ascension of this man-god to his seat of universal power: “… upon the very moment of his first decree, all wrongs will be righted, the moon will be in the seventh house, Jupiter will align with Mars, peace will guide the planets, and his astronomical wang will guide the stars. Also, two wrongs will heretofore now make a right, and the firmament above will open in jubilant celebration and deliver unto earth beer and chicken wings with perfect sauce.”
Every 10 years all sentient life in the galaxy will make a pilgrimage to gaze upon the visage of this superhuman, yet benevolent ruler of all galaxies (depicted to the right by a faithful votary) and - at the peak of this decennial extravifestival - the removal of his paper-bag will render the adoring crowds into a gibbering mass of orgasming devotees, forever content to live in peace and harmony, offering sacrifice upon the anniversary of his having graced this existential plane with his awesomeness.
Kneel before Zod, bitches.
I’d kneel, but the sheer magnitude of His Galaxial Wong prevents me… it’s taking up too much space.
Happy Birthday, Your Holey Ness
You bought some of those “natural enhancing” pills from a spam email, didn’t you? You’re fooling yourself. As much as you want it to be, it’s not actually bigger. Happy birthday, Pee Wee. ;-)
P.S. - If 2 wrongs now make a right, we better hope the Bush admin makes an odd number of mistakes before election time.
Andrew- A logical fallacy. You’re already standing on it.
Leslie- Thanks!
S. Reed- There’s nothing natural about them- they’re pure uranium. (P.S. -Ha!)
Happy Birthday. Better Luck Next Year! heh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYDYzyqIy-I&mode=rel...
or, you know: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8EwG4Ivy2c&mode=rel...
happy birthday seabiscuit.
i’m not buying you anything, but on the bright side, when my birthday rolls around in two weeks, you’re off the hook.
Happy Birthday. Us Virgos do have to stick together. Also, if you’re going to rule everything, can I have Canada?
27 years ago you popped out of a lady’s garden, covered in blood and screaming like mad. Awesome image.
happy birthday! I eagerly await my allotment of chicken wings and beer.
penis
I have a mental image of you being born out of a cow via witchcraft, a la Beastmaster.
happy birthday! (presents to follow on the 20th).
That’s MISTER Bitches to you!
looking down at my bra…
Fine. MIZ Bitches then!
Happy Birthday! Sorry I am missing it but I owe you a drink next time i see you!!! :)
Happy Birthday your awesomeness!
Happy birthday!!:) Sorry I’m a day late.
Zod, know that I am the Overmind, the Eternal Will of the Swarm.
You have been created to serve me.
Hope your birthday rocked!!!
I thought I already posted happy birthday, but I guess I didn’t yet! So, hope it was happy, and that your monthlong birthday EXTRAVAGANZA goes well!
Cheers, fellow Virgo!
Are all births like that? ‘Cause if so, fu*k that shit. That sounds like it hurts.
Also, Happy Birthday. I shall retrospectively do something to celebrate.
I just don’t know what yet. I’m sorry.