This morning I scoured the fridge and freezer to find something to eat for lunch today. Our cupboards are rapidly growing bare, so my only choice was an Hot Pocket from the freezer. On the way into work the Hot Pocket made me think of one of my new favorite websites, passiveaggressivenotes.com.
The Hot Pocket thievery made me think of my youth as a lifeguard where we had to go to extreme lengths to protect our food. It started with simply hiding food in the back of the fridge, and when that didn’t work it led to increasingly disgusting notes written with indelible ink onto the food containers. A sample progression of food defense messages over the course of the summer would go something like this:
ACW’s food
Do not eat
Medically prescribed lunch- do not eat
I already ate some of this an I have a cold, so unless you want a cold, don’t eat it.
I licked all my food.
I farted on this food- don’t eat it unless you want to eat my fart.
I hid a pube somewhere in this sandwich.
My pubes are all over this food.
I rubbed my nuts on this.
We were a well-adjusted bunch. Anyway, all that nonsense reminded me that some of the most frequent attendees of the pool were employees for the Entenmann’s company. Every day they’d walk in with their arms loaded with baked goods from their job and they’d dump everything on us, encouraging us to eat as much as we wanted, and assuring us that they’d be bringing more the next day. It didn’t take long for the two fridges at the pool to become packed with cheesecakes, crumbcakes, donuts, muffins, cookies, and other various and delicious baked goods. So we stopped bringing our lunches in and instead gorged on bakery products instead. We usually had about a half dozen cheesecakes at a time, so there was no need to try and fight over who got what. We all got whatever we wanted. It wasn’t uncommon for me to eat an entire cheesecake over the course of a few hours. Or to just eat a coffee cake. Two-thousand-plus calories of sugar and fat. But what the hell did I care? I was 18 and had a ridiculous metabolism.
We finally reached the point where we just couldn’t eat another thing from Entenmann’s. To this day I have no interest in pretty much all of their food. I found their mini-chocolate-glazed donut holes leave a waxy, strange tasting film inside my mouth, and their muffins make me cough. I have no idea what the hell that is about, but I think I’ve become allergic to their food.
This is what I thought about on the way to work today.
“chocolate-glazed donut holes leave a waxy, strange tasting film inside my mouth”
Ummm, chocolate-glazed donut hole isn’t a euphemism, is it?
Alan- It’s ALWAYS a euphemism around here.
I went through my Entenmann’s thing in college. I ate coffee cake morning, noon, and night.
I can do Entenmann’s no more.
Chocolate cake doughuts. Used to be a fav of my father and I’s. Since I’ve developed a gluten allergy, I can’t have that any more.
I can’t have ANYTHING that’s GOOD anymore. I’m waiting for the Doc to say I have to lay off the Barely and the Hops, too.
Then I’ll have a shit fit.
I rubbed my nuts on this.
Be careful, that might make some co-workers more inclined to eat your food. ;)
Ah, yes. Corporate lunch pilferers. Outright warnings never work with these types. Get some Biohazard stickers. If that fails, pack a dog turd burrito and teach ‘em a real lesson.
Hot Pockets! Oh Jim Gaffigan… (you should YouTube that video if you haven’t seen it)
I usually stick something on it that says, “eat and this will make you fat”
Somehow, that seems to work….
My college roommate had trouble with people stealing food off his plate when he got up to get something/hit the bathroom/whatever. He once resorted to leaving a note next to his plate: “I spit on these french fries.”
Before he came back someone else appended: “So did I”.
It’s not as bad as when you started drinking out of those “urine sample” jars.
i once knocked an entenmann’s coffee cake off the top of the fridge. i didn’t take the time right then to pull the fridge out right … when i thought of it again, 3 months later, and retrieved it - it was in perfect condition.
i’m scared of that company. cough is the least of your problems!