I was recently in an all-day meeting with some human resources and marketing folks from another company. Having garnered all the information I could possibly need from their website in 5 minutes the day before the meeting, I spent the rest of the day bored out of my skull. After some time I realized that I should probably make an attempt to do something constructive, but I was absolutely unable to think of anything I could do that would make my life easier, so I instead started writing down all the words and phrases that I hate to hear in business meetings. These terms are typically developed to make something sound much better, or much more important than it actually is. To make the whole event a bit more fun for myself I made a rule that I could only write a word down once one of the human resources or marketing douches actually said it. Here’s what they came up with:
metrics
deliverables
systems integration
business unit
interfacing
leverage
due diligence
value-added
best practices
core competencies
synergy
paradigm
cutting edge
leading edge
bleeding edge
edge of the edge
ping
incent
45 seconds later I was tired of playing this game. Any words or terms you hate to hear at work?
Defenestrate.
“You’re fired.”
I would have to say when you mess something up my coworker, an old school hacker, always says “horking” it up. But when anyone mentions “penetration testing” it always makes me giggle.
Process drivers
That one drives me crazy.
Whatever happend to just “get the job done”?
massive layoff
urine sample
harrassment
Want to see my kid’s picture?
This is one of my favorite games to play during meetings! A list from a recent meeting included:
flesh it out (as in the creative or marketing copy)
put meat and bones on it
nitty-gritty
mesh well
blow it out
red flag
cover off with
circle back.
Ugh. Makes me want to yak.
I really can’t stand:
take ownership
blame culture
meshing of ideas
but I do love:
flange gasket (I read oil contracts sometimes)
tee hee
“areas of opportunity” (this just means areas in which you suck.)
“strategic alignment”
I also hate when people start spewing forth this stuff to make themselves sound better
Paradigm, definitely, but since you already have it, “sea change” is currently my most-hated. (this, of course, excludes people-specific catchphrases, like the one partner who’s always screaming that we’re going to have to “shuck and jive” so we “don’t get behind the eight ball.”
)
That was bugging me.
My favorite/most hated is “value-added”. I’m glad it was used in your meeting. Who the fuck came up with that one?
Come on ACW, everyone knows that interfacing, bleeding edge and ping are IT terms. Being an MBA student I had to be subejected to those 3 terms during 2 different IT planning meetings today.
Savage Bliss: this is for you and your kind (like, um, me).
http://www.defectiveyeti.com/archives/002165.html#comme...
In my meetings, its all about the acronyms. When I get completely bored (which doesn’t take long) I start keeping track of how many sentences are actually uttered WITHOUT an acronym. I also write them down in a little grid and try to make actual words out of them. Sometimes, its the only thing that keeps me from running screaming from the room . . .
“It is what it is.”
Savage Bliss- I was going to fix your mistake, but it’s much funnier the way you did it.
People don’t ask you WHY you have kids, you know, it’s supposed to be obvious - fulfilling life, biological imperative, something about love and posterity - but if they did, I would tell them that I had kids so that I would have an excuse to work part time, so that I wouldn’t have to go to ANY meetings ANYMORE.
Although I just heard my 5 year old ask his brother how his new LEGO house was going to impact the rest of the LEGO neighborhood.
tremendous opportunity
drop-dead date
branding
in artsty grad school, I hate hearing:
narrative
linear
concept
appropriation
post-modern
structural concept
world view
the “there” there
preciousness
ephemeral
installation
joseph cornell
I would rather hear:
kielbasa
nachos
nobody puts baby in the corner!
Phrases I hear all the time at work (and really really hate):
-”think outside the box”
-”irregardless” (it’s not a word, ok boss lady!)
-”don’t get behind the eight-ball”
-”strategic plan”
-”play to team member’s strengths”
Why is it business gets to make up all this mumbo-jumbo? Who made business so cool?
Ooo, great game! I’m so playing that in the next staff meeting.
Some of my favorite doozies:
> deeper dive
> drill down
> breakout session
> get signoff
> global solution
> leverage
> competitive edge
> take-aways
> action points
> strategic alignment (really anything with “strategic” in it)
Kate- I think “leverage” is my least favorite.
“It is what it is.”
I actually like that phrase. I usually use it in response to people who ask me inane questions like:
“Is this coffee really strong?”
“Is your chicken salad really mayonnaise-y?”
“Is that a rip in the back of your jeans?”
I don’t like buzzwords at all, but most of the things I dislike hearing are more phrase-like.
“Can you tell me my password?” No. I don’t know your password. You’re supposed to know it. Want me to paste you the hash? Maybe it’ll work for you.
“Can you reset my password?” Usually after responding to the above question. Doesn’t anyone remember their password anymore? Hell, they set it half the time!
“It’s too late for Chipotle.” Fucking lunch rush makes it impossible to get in and out of there in hurry.
“We didn’t received your faxed/e-mailed order?” Didn’t someone call and confirm the seven burritos we just ordered?
“Did you change anything on the firewall?” No. I don’t make changes during business hours. Clearly your application is acting up.
I am so tired of hearing, “Quit boinking the janitor.”
Jeez - are you all daft? Have you never played bullshit bingo in a meeting??
http://www.companyculture.com/topics/BullshitBingo.htm
“it is what it is” takes the cake. However I really despise ‘team building’. The only thing the team can agree on is the fact that we all hate being where we are supposedly ‘building’ this bonding.
I work in a different industry. Social workers tend to use the word “piece” waaaaaay too much.
Ex: “there’s the whole family piece of this”
“She has so many issues…there’s the {insert issue: addiction, eating disorder, sexual abuse} piece of it…”
“{blah blah blah psychobabble}…so there’s that piece”
(lots of hand gestures go with all of these, to make us feel important)
“teamwork”
I hate letters/memos/etc. that come in “To Whom It May Concern.” I want to say, “Dear X, I am returning your correspondence because it doesn’t concern me, or anyone else here. We don’t give a shit.”
Low Hanging Fruit and Big Ticket Items. So overused at my workplace that I have sorted all my work into two folders, one with a picture of a man holding a giant Admit One ticket, and one of some giant hanging fruit. Instead of realising I was making fun of them all, my boss thought I was being keen and congratulated me on my good attitude. Ha.
‘performance management’
‘KPIs’
‘customer focus’
‘consultative process’
‘process mapping’
‘action plans’
I am all project management’d out.
“non-starter”
“Have Sarah [insert incredibly complicated/incredibly stupid task here].”
“we need to sharpen our saws”
“low hanging fruit”
“we need to get our arms around the problem”
“action items”
(another favorite is golf jargon injected into the business jargon…)
example: “I’ve got a few thing to tee up with all of you…”
horrible….
“You’re test results came back. How long have you been doing heroin?”