Last night Mrs. ACW and I went to go see the latest Harry Potter movie. I think it’s called “Harry Potter and the Poorly Paced Movie”, or maybe it was, “Harry Potter and the Movie Version of a Book that Left Out the Whole Book”, or “Harry Potter and the Boner Academy”. Did anybody else notice that Harry Potter was a stone cold PIMP in this movie? Cho is totally swinging from his nutsack (even though her dead boyfriend is hardly even cold and in the ground) and Ginny pretty much just wants to be Harry’s permanent “wand sheath” if you get my meaning, and I think you do, because I’m talking about Harry’s penis in Ginny’s vagina. Hell, even Hermione and Luna were boning him with their bedroom eyes.
If Harry weren’t so busy trying to defeat Voldemort he could probably have a whole stable of hoes. I bet he could get every girl at Hogwarts turning tricks in Hogsmeade before the end of the year, just because he’s Harry muhfuckin’ Potter.
But I digress. When we got there Mrs. ACW picked a row with seats directly in front of two little girls and I knew it would probably turn out poorly. Aside from kicking the back of our seats, the constant talking, kicking our seats, the giggling at inappropriate moments, kicking our seats, the loud whispering, and kicking our seats, they were completely well behaved. At one point Mrs. ACW turned around and shot their mother a dirty look, at which point the mother immediately squeezed from her vagina a new baby that immediately began screaming at the top of its lungs. That may be an exaggeration, but I’m sure she would have if she could. You could tell that she was one of those parents that has kids just because they want to be a dick for the rest of their lives.
“Hey, I’m in a minivan going 300 miles per hour while straddling two lanes! Don’t like it? Fuck off! I have kids!”
Never before in my life had I harbored such fantasies of punching out two little girls. I could just see the black eyes swelling up with tears as my cold heart erupted in an expressionless, frozen rage.
I felt bad about it later until Mrs. ACW said the she also wanted to beat up those kids. She never says stuff like that! I’m always the one that overreacts! I was glad that in this case I had envisioned a perfectly reasonable and well-thought out response to their childlike idiocy.
Ginny pretty much just wants to be Harry’s permanent “wand sheath” if you get my meaning, and I think you do, because I’m talking about Harry’s penis in Ginny’s vagina.
No. Explain this to me very slowly.
Dude, there is totally a line in the new book for you, and yet I can’t find it… something pretty clearly about Harry’s “wand”… dammit, I just read it last night, so it’s in the first 50 pages or so… argh.
See what you get for being a grown man who goes to see kiddie movies?
I think you should write Hollywood and inspire them to rename the next movie.
Instead of “Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince” something along the lines of “Harry Potter the best kid Pimp” would be better, don’t you think?
I’m totally on the bandwagon to eliminate crotch daemons! Count me in!
squeezed out a new baby.
HA!
i totally know people here who would do that.
Harry Potter is the de….ah never mind!
Kids are evil. They are. I have two, I know. I had the same experience when I went to that Traveling Pants movie. Little giggling girls are the WORST! Wanted to rip their faces off. The movie sucked ass yes, but I paid to watch my sucky movie damn it!
Oh yes, can you go over that “wand sheath” thing I lost you between penis and vagina.
I bet you wouldn’t talk so tough if your wife wasn’t watching your back.
I sat in front of a 4-year old at Transformers on Monday and he read every subtitle like he was trying to impress dad, who, in turn, did NOTHING to shut him up. In addition, after the first battle scene, once it quieted down, everyone in the theatre could now hear a crying baby instead. We all laughed.
Look at it from the girls’ perspective. They were probably pissed to have a middle aged man blocking their view of Harry’s Pooter.
this would be the exact reason i wait for these types of movies to come on video before i see them. herds of bad mannered children and their moms who think they are gift to us all and that the world should revolve around them.
(i have kids. two small furry four legged kids, usually referred to as two very spoiled ferrets with their own room. but i lock them in a cage when they are annoying).
:-)
I’m next in line to give a good wack to both kids and some parents! Loving your title, once again!
I actually thought this movie was pretty good, and far better an adaption than “Goblet of Fire.” I mean, there’s only so much you can do when you’re trimming nine hundred pages into two and a half hours …
OT - Do you think Daniel Radcliffe is going to end up like Elijiah Wood? Or, whatever the fucking spelling of Elijiah is.
EW was a cute little kid and I always thought he’d grow up and be HOT, but he grew up to be smallish and a sort of man-child. Like, he has physically aged as a man does but he has this strange, square face that is childlike and off-putting. Daniel Radcliffe seems to be heading in that direction as well. I don’t know what his actual measurements are (I’m sure I can find those on the internet), but methinks he’ll be a small man-child too.
Stephanie- Daniel Radcliffe is sure trying to avoid that with the whole hanging-out-on-stage-naked thing in Equus (or however THAT is spelled)
ACW, I loathe those parents. I saw the new HP movie beside a dad and his kids, and the younger one kept addressing his comments to ME, not his dad. Kid: “Hey, that’s a thestral, how come Neville can see them?” Me:”Uhm. Let’s watch the movie and see, okay, kid?”
I get the hanging out on stage naked thing. I still think that in real life he looks like a man-child.
because Harry is now officially 18 years old, I can safely say that I wouldn’t mind him sheathing his wand……hehehehhe
*goes back to nerding out*
that would really shit me.
next time, FART, then move seats.