AnonymousCoworker

I ache. I spent my entire weekend helping my older brother put up a fence in his backyard. I’ve probably already written way too much about it, so I won’t say any more except that it is an extremely labor intensive process, and after spending 10 hours working on Saturday, my body was not very happy about another 8 hours of work on Sunday.

Actually, you know what? It’s my blog, and if I want to write about a fence, you’re going to read it, because you have nothing else better to do between now and that horrible Monday morning meeting where middle-management just keeps going on and on and on describing mundane accomplishments like buying a new copy machine as if cancer had been cured and man had finally mated with manatee.

I won’t really bore you with the details, but I will tell you about the tool I was using both days. A two-man five-horsepower auger with an 8-inch-bit. Yes, it’s all right if you just got a sudden rush of blood to your groin. Unfortunately for us, our augering didn’t go as well as in the video due to a 6 to 12 inch layer of compacted clay. We were, at points, sitting on the arms of the auger just to try to force it to dig a few more inches. It was a goddamned pain in the ass. But, whenever you use an enormous phallic object to dig gaping yonic holes, a few jokes are bound to creep up. Combine that with a younger brother with an almost compulsive obsession to shout, “That’s what she said!” after anyone says anything, and you’ve got a mother-lode of comedy to mine.

For example:

“Just jam the thing in the hole and see if that doesn’t do anything.”
“That’s what she said!”

“All these holes are about as deep as we can get them.”
“That’s what she said!”

“Put your arm in here! All the drilling made the hole hot.”
“That’s what she said!”

And so on. It made the blisters I have now almost worthwhile.

Finally, Sunday morning on the way down to my brother’s house, my other brother and I stopped for coffee. As he was in the 7-Eleven getting coffee, I was waiting in the car with the window down. A old woman walked over to me and stuffed a pamphlet in my face saying, “We just wanted to give this to all our neighbors.” I didn’t even know what the pamphlet was about, I just reflexively said, “No thanks.” Surprisingly, she pulled the pamphlet away and smiled. For a second I thought, “Wow. No hard sell. Maybe she was just being friendly,” but before I could even finish my thought she said, “That’s okay. We also just want to remind you to keep reading your Bible.” So I looked at her and said, “No thanks.” She sputtered and looked like I had just slapped her in the face. She also looked like she was about to say something else, but I’m pretty sure my shit-eating grin let her know that she’d probably be better off selling her religion to someone else.