Apropos of our previous discussion, I bring you these videos (via BoingBoing). A 9 part series on sexual predation on the net. I plan on watching them sometime later on.
Archive for June, 2007
1) Yesterday during the storm and concurrent tornado watch that swept through the area, I was trapped inside my office waiting for the rain to let up for a moment so I could dash to my car and make it to class on time. I watched as sheet after sheet of rain was followed by lightning striking trees and church spires on the horizon. Then, all of a sudden the rain let up and the wind stopped blowing everything sideways, so I took a step towards the door.
BOOM!
I’m not sure if the lightning struck the building, or just outside the building, but for a moment everything was doused in an intense bluish-white light and the air literally crackled. At the same moment, all the handicapped accessible doors in the building opened at the same time, interior and exterior, flooding the lobby with the rain that immediately started pouring out of the sky again. Figuring it probably couldn’t get much worse than that, I steeled my nerves, shook the crap out of my pants leg, and made a run for my car.
2) When I came home from class last night I really had to go to the bathroom, so I used the bathroom on the first floor where we keep the litterbox. One of the cats had left an obelisk of feces that rose straight out of the litterbox and valiantly strained skyward. I wasn’t sure if I should clean the litterbox or take a picture, so I did nothing.
3) There is no third one. I just usually do these things in threes.
This post is probably going to piss some people off, so if you’re the “gets pissed off easily” type, you might want to skip this one. If you want to contribute constructively to the discussion feel free to do so in the comments.
Last night I was watching To Catch a Predator because I had heard so much about it and wanted to see it for myself. Essentially, MSNBC works with a group called Perverted Justice to capture potential sex predators. Perverted Justice (PJ) volunteers/employees pose as 13-year-old girls and chat with men online who are looking for sex, invites the men to a house, and at the house they meet with Chris Hansen from MSNBC as opposed to doing whatever it is they might have done with someone they thought was a 13-year-old girl.
During and after the show, I was becoming a bit aggravated.
First of all, the whole thing makes me think of what creates an online persona. The men who showed up to the house were charged with soliciting sex from someone below the age of consent. But none of the PJ people were below the age of consent. They were just pretending to be below the age of consent. Even the actor they hired to play the 13 year old at the house was 18. So no one in the entire process was underage. I realize this is a weak argument. I’m playing Devil’s Advocate.
Second of all, viewers were shown the interviews between police and the men. Every time a suspect was questioned I kept thinking, “Shut the fuck up, and ask for a lawyer.” All the cops were playing the buddy role with the guys who got caught, and in one case the cop kept asking questions even after one of the guys asked for a lawyer. But the guy was an idiot, so he kept talking to the cops. This is more a frustration I have with people in general than I have with this show. Don’t talk to the fucking cops. They are not your friends. They do not want to help you. They do not want to make a deal. They do not want to make it easy for you. They want to make it easy for themselves. Tell them you want a lawyer and keep your fucking mouth closed.
Third and finally, and this is the trickiest point: I have a problem with age of consent. My biggest problem is that it’s not uniform across different states. Statutory rape in one state is a regular Saturday night in another state. Sex with 12 and 13 year olds is equated with sex with 16 and 17 year olds depending on the little squiggles on the maps that designate state lines. How can such a difference exist and law enforcement professionals still take themselves seriously? “Hey, we arrested you for this here, but if you were one state over it wouldn’t have been a problem.” What the fuck kind of logic is that?
And what exactly is behind all this age of consent bullshit anyway? If 16 is the age of consent, why not 15 and 1/2? Why not 15 and 1/4? If 14 is the age of consent, what the hell makes a girl on her 14th birthday so worldly that she wasn’t that way the day before? And what about female sex offenders? Just look at this Fark thread for proof that when boys are preyed upon the standard is, “Good on ya for gettin’ some, junior!” whereas if it were a man with a young woman, the man would probably be on the goddamned Dateline show. Somehow, apparently, a 16 year old boy can consent to sex with a 23 year old while a 16 year old girl cannot. Talk about a double fucking standard.
I guess my biggest issue is that the whole age of consent thing is determined by legislatures seemingly arbitrarily, and that what one legislature determines is illegal, another legislature gives the gold star of approval. I think it’s high time we were through with age restrictions on things like voting, drinking, driving, smoking, gambling, and sex, and instead set some other process in place to allow people to do what they want when they’re ready to do so. I know some of us were ready to vote or have sex when we were 15, and some of us won’t be ready to do either until we’re 30. What sense does it make to keep around these systems that don’t seem to work?
Disclaimer: I don’t want to have sex with 13 year olds. Hell, I don’t want to have sex with 21 year olds. I can’t even imagine having to listen to the dumbness coming out of the mouth of some 21 year old. I like having sex with my wife just dandy, thanks very much. I think that child molesters should receive NO LENIENCY with regard to sentencing, but I also want to make sure their civil liberties aren’t violated, because once you do that, it’s easier to take away the liberties of everyone. I also think that there is probably an age of consent line SOMEWHERE. Like, 8 seems way too young for sex, but if 8 is too young, is 9? Is 10? … is 16? And suddenly we’re back where we started.
What do you think?
This Saturday Mrs. ACW and I were running around like crazy. We had a shmoozy event to go to in the afternoon for Mrs. ACW, and she had been invited by her boss, so we had to go. Rather than spending our entire day getting to errands and chores, this event forced us to get things done early, so we were up and about starting around nine.
We made a quick run to Goodwill for me because that’s where I like to buy my shorts. Well, actually, that’s where I buy pants that I turn in to shorts. What can I say? I’m a cheap bastard, and if I’m going to buy cut-off shorts I’d rather pay $4 and cut them off myself than pay some idiotic store $50 to do it for me. The best part is all I have to do is check the waist size, the length of the leg is irrelevant because I’m going to cut it down anyway. So as I’m trying on pants I realize that I’ve inadvertently grabbed a pair of women’s pants. There was a clasp instead of a button, and it was on the wrong side. (By the way, what the fuck is up with that? Are we so locked into our gender roles that we need to have buttons on opposite sides of shirts and pants? “Don’t violate your gender role or else we’ll confuse you with strange button placement!”) But the pants fit, and they made my ass look great, so I kept them. If there was any question about whether I was emo or not, now you have your answer and you can feel free to beat me up.
From there we went to a real store to get Mrs. ACW some new summer shirts. By the time we were done we were both so hungry that we trekked over to Marley Station Mall to get some Chick Fila. For those of you unfamiliar with the region, I feel obligated at this point to educate you: Marley Station is in Glen Burnie. Glen Burnie is where I live, but you could call the relationship we have a love/hate relationship. Actually, it’s more of a like/hate crime relationship. Glen Burnie is the type of place where local teens race their be-spoilered Cavaliers against be-spoilered Neons… in crowded parking lots. Glen Burnie is the type of place where you can see a group of pregnant tweens smoking… while pushing a stroller. Glen Burnie is the type of place where you can see what I witnessed below.
We’re walking toward the mall when we hear one of the local rabble yelling to a person we haven’t seen yet, “Ah tole yew not ta eat all dat popcorn!” She’s facing into the parking lot and she’s got another kid’s head pulled tight into her stomach. While I’m wondering if she’s yelling to the kid who looks like he’s being eaten by her belly-button I realize she’s talking to the kid behind her who is actively vomiting into the bushes outside of the mall. The bushes right next to the entrance. And he’s not taking it easy either. It’s like someone crammed a fire hydrant full of Jiffy Pop and then hooked up a fire hose and turned it up to eleven. It’s like yellow fountain of sentient foam unhinging his jaw and spewing its way out of his neck.
“Ah tole yew yew was gunna git sick.” I quickly put it together. She took her kids to the movie and bought them popcorn. She let her kid eat too much popcorn. She was now letting her child vomit outside of the mall. There were so many things wrong with the situation that I could only focus on one thing: there is a bathroom DIRECTLY OPPOSITE the exit of the movie theater. Furthermore, the bathroom is a mere 80 feet from the entrance to the mall. Despite all this, and despite putting herself AND her child in this situation, she couldn’t be bothered to do anything but allow this to happen in public. And she clearly knew it was disgusting since she was actively shielding/consuming her other child by stuffing his face further and further into her stomach.
As we reached the doors to the mall Mrs. ACW and I looked and each other, shook our heads, and simultaneously whispered the mantra that gets us through moments like this: “Fuckin’ Glen Burnie”.
I think I’ve mentioned that I’m taking another class right now for one of those short summer semesters. I think they call them mini-mesters. Or midget-molesters. Or minge-masters. I can’t remember. Anyway, my course is kind of a pain in the ass, but the ass pain is due primarily to logistical reasons (as opposed to the “there’s a foreign object in there again, and tell the ER to get my room ready” kind of pain in the ass. I mean, that doesn’t happen to me, but I imagine it happens to you perverts on a fairly regular basis, so I thought you might be able to relate, but didn’t want to get you confused. … You’ve got something stuck in your ass right now, don’t you? Admit it.).
My class starts around 6 and gets out around 9:30. By the time I make it home it’s typically after 10, and my body is completely thrown off. I’m not hungry, but I want to eat dinner. I’m not tired, but it’s time to go to bed. Worst of all, Mrs. ACW is usually pretty close to full unconsciousness by this point, so having a conversation with my spouse is something I’m not able to do for a day and a half, twice a week. It’s absolutely repenisulous.
Despite all that, I love the class. It’s on the Series of Tubes that some also refer to as the Internets. I could teach this class. My classmates aren’t nearly as willing to make out with the Internet as I am, so they mention subjects like Second Life and Gnutella with apprehension and trepidation. I try to keep my mouth shut as much as I can, because I don’t want to constantly dominate the class discussion with my incessant jabbering, and so far I’ve done pretty well.
Except for last night. We were discussing privacy, and that somehow lead to piracy, and suddenly I found myself in the middle of what felt like a ten-minute monologue decrying DRM, the RIAA, the MPAA, and championing open-source technology, creative commons, and public domain. I was actually out of breath when I was done. It was nice to see, however, realization slowly dawning across some of the faces of my classmates. Some of the others, I think, had no idea what I was talking about.
Shortly after that class ended and we broke into groups to discuss our major project that’s due in a week and a half. We’ve decided to focus on online communities. Everybody is focusing on a different piece of what makes online communities, or how they can be used. For example, we have someone focusing on how hate groups use online communities, how communities for people with mental illnesses can be helpful or detrimental, and how online communities create propaganda to support or deride public figures, corporations, and politicians. Which piece am I covering? Glad you asked. I’ve decided to focus on how language develops within online communities, especially considering terms and phrases that become so familiar that the group develops a language that might become impenetrable to those who haven’t participated in the group from the beginning. As my primary example, I’ll be using this site.
That’s right. For a very serious and very important class about the internet, I’m going to give a very not-serious but legitmately academic presentation on lolcats. And if it’s well received, I might turn it into my thesis.
P.S. Here’s where I got the title of the post.
Great Internets! I supplicate myself in your general direction!
Why, oh wise one, do people put coins on F. Scott Fitzgerald’s headstone?
I think we can all agree that Omega pretty much won every category fair and square. Except for maybe “Longest”. Regardless, he pretty much pwn0rz3d the whole damned contest. So, in the interest of being able to get more crap out of my house, I awarded Omega the prize in one category, and then awarded prizes to the other winners.
Jamie- Longest: “Clowns with big sausages trying to have anonymous sex with zombies because they heard that necrophilia is fun”. Jamie actually won the longest category fair and square, snatching a complete and total upset from the soul-rending claws of that pervert Omega.
Bliss- Most related to necrophilia: “I want to hump zombies because I love necrophilia”. I would have to say that nothing quite captures the true spirit of necrophilia than this statement by Bliss (well, aside from Omega’s entries, and his family reunions).
Omega- Most surreal: “the undead thundercats are in my pants”. I was actually really happy with this entry. Every time I would look at it I would laugh, and then wonder why the hell I was laughing so hard, read it again, and start laughing again. For all his entries, this one by Omega was the one that broke my brain.
Lori- Strangest instance of the word “coworker”: “Anonymous zombies eating necrophiliac coworkers”. I saw this search term and thought, “Why would it be important that the coworkers that the zombies were eating would be necrophiliacs? Is there an office somewhere housing a bunch of coworkers who are all necrophiliacs?” And it was then that I realized that the cunning use of the word “coworker” is what helped make it so bizarre.
the watergirl- Potentially Criminal: “how to have anonymous necrophiliac sex with my coworkers brother”. More than anyone, twg knows that necrophilia is illegal. I honestly am not sure if she was participating in the contest or actually looking for this information. Either way, she wins a prize.
S. Reed- Most related to zombies: “Zombie semen tastes like cannog”. You could make the argument that there were many entries that were more related to zombies than this one. And you’d be right, but they were all entered by Omega, that sick, sadistic fuck. Actually, for some reason this entry really stood out for me. It might be that cannog is that disgusting. It might be because I’d never really thought about zombie semen. It might be that it’s plagued my dreams all weekend. Regardless, S. Reed takes this one.
Your Neighborhood Librarian- Most offensive: “jesus fucking a corpse on a roof” AND “drinking eggnog from Jesus’s zombie anus”. I don’t know what more can be said about these entries except that they probably would have been even more offensive had they been combined. Kudos, YNL. I hope you enjoy the special place that has now been reserved for you in Hell.
DaMonkeyCode- Make your own category: “I put a wookie in a zombie’s butt and got a pregnant teenage roofer”. This entry was so brilliant in its strangeness that I couldn’t let it go by unnoticed. I envisioned someone stuffing Chewbacca into a zombie’s ass like it was the coin-slot on a vending machine, and moments later a pregnant white-trash teen explodes out of the zombie, nail-gun in hand, shingles over her shoulder. Genius.
So, all the winners should email me their mailing address at my gmail.com address: anonymouscoworker. They’ll get a specially selected piece of junk from my house, and something they might actually enjoy.
Before this contest closes, I think it’s important to recognize the work that Omega went through, so here are all his entries reproduced for your viewing enjoyment. Better not let your boss or significant other see this list or you’ll get kicked to the curb so fast you won’t really know what happened.
child corpse tit fucking (Wow. Talk about hitting the ground running.)
masturbating to animal corpse
jerk my dead dick
hump my mother the zombie stripper
taking a shit on the pope (This one made me laugh out loud.)
I loves me some zombie anus (The folksy tone of this one really sells it.)
I picked up a hooker at the mortuary
Random car fart eats the glazed soup bucket
the undead thundercats are in my pants
I ate my shitty coworker and then molested his bones (Talk about adding insult to injury.)
An orgy of undead loving
Freak me with your rotting booty (I think he was channeling Sir Mix-a-lot on this one.)
I’m going to shoot you in the face when I rob you
Glen Burnie is the goddamn devil (Oh c’mon, it’s not that bad.)
Eat the maggots from my zombie ass, you ignorant necro
I pleasure myself when kittens are killed (I guess that’s sort of the inverse of this.)
And that he ended his last entry with, “That’ll do, pig, that’ll do.” damn near killed me.
