A few weekends ago I was attending the bachelor party of a good friend of mine. For the most part, it went pretty well. In fact, I remember it just like this. The problem is that my friend Justin, all of whose scenes were missing, at one point decided to leap onto my back and try to ride me like a horse, or some sort of man-sized dinosaur, presumably all the way to Mexico whereupon I would die from the exhaustive journey, and he would fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming the world record holder in donkey show participation. I have weird friends.
Alas, we didn’t make it to Mexico, but we did make it to the pavement, and said pavement took a sizable chunk of skin out of both of my knees. Justin, of course, had almost no recollection of this, so I have been taunting him about it mercilessly. Anyway, the scab (bleargh) has recently started to come off (double bleargh), but I didn’t realize how much until I got to work yesterday. After sitting at the computer for an indeterminate period of time I stood up to get my mail, or go to the bathroom, or something like that, and I had a painful sensation in my knee. I looked down and saw that my pants were attached to my leg. I tried to gently pull the pants away from my wound, but they were adhered through the scientific power of HEMOSTASIS! My stupid body thought my pants were also part of my body and so the pants were incorporated into the scab. After some tugging I managed to get my body and my pants separated, but the inside of my pants leg looked like the hive from Aliens. It was pretty gross.
So what would happen while my body is trying to bond with my wardrobe? My nose, of course, starts bleeding. But, I had the upper hand in this situation! Because my nose constantly bleeds in the summer and winter, I had previously prepared a nose-bleed plug of wadded tissue for just this type of situation. Well, I wasn’t really expecting to have grafted with my pants, but the nose-bleed I was expecting. Anyway, I jammed the tissue-plug up my nose, grabbed the area of my pants that were in danger of reattaching to my leg, and then hobbled around the office looking for someone with a bandage.
I must have been quite the sight, stooped over and holding my own pants while the tissue jammed up my nose slowly soaked with blood. I am quite the catch, ladies and gentlemen, I assure you. Mrs. ACW must thank her lucky stars every day for being the lucky lady that gets to walk around behind me and pick of the pieces that fall off.
I found a bandage without too much trouble and slapped it on there and my leg and nose seem no worse for the experience.
Hope you weren’t eating lunch.
