So this morning I’m just beboping along on my way to work. Same stupid routine as every other day. Eat breakfast, get my stuff, check the gimp cage, the usual. My drive to work is the same type of tedium; that is, until some vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert decided to intervene.
I was at a standard intersection of two four-lane roads intersecting. Each road has a right and left turn lane in each direction. Everyone, of course, knows that the person turning right has the right of way. So, being the person in the right lane, I idiotically decided to take my right of way by making a simple right turn.
Much to the chagrin of the gods of traffic etiquette, I “cut-off” a woman who had been making a left turn from the opposite roadway, so I stopped, rather than letting her obliviously ram into the side of my car and make pudding out of the left half of my body before continuing on to her job as a Walmart greeter.
But then suddenly, as if by some dark and unspoken form of ancient and mystical magic she snapped out of the ambulatory haze that I’m sure has plagued her since childhood and she realized that she almost committed vehicular manslaughter.
Then her lizard brain took over again and she honked at ME and aggressively waved me to proceed. It was like watching a spastic Pillsbury Dough Woman with a bee allergy try to force a swarm of hornets out of her driver’s side window.
I can’t remember exactly what I was doing the entire time, but I can imagine that my face conveyed a look of, “Jesus Fuck lady! Did you eat a big bowl of Drano and Paint Chips as part of your balanced breakfast?”
She continued flailing madly, but there was no way I was letting this monumentally myopic moron drive BEHIND me. She’d be parked in my trunk and frothing from the gaping hole in her face that looked like two salamis fighting to get as far away from one another as possible before the end of the next quarter mile. So I looked directly into her beady little pig eyes and waited for another glimmer of something beyond the primordial instinct to eat and shit to flicker across her countenance.
A few moments passed before I saw my chance, but when I did, I took it. Using as few gestures and syllables as possible, I stuck my arm out of my open window and pointed directly at her while shouting, “You,” and then followed that by pointing down the road we were both about to travel on and shouting, “Go”.
She threw her hands up in exasperation, rolled her eyes, and drove on, finally no longer obstructing MY path, or the paths of the motorists that had been waiting through half of a traffic-light cycle for this glorified shit-factory to get the fuck out of their way.
I, of course, hope she dies in a twisted ball of metal and fire.
