AnonymousCoworker

I think we can all agree that Omega pretty much won every category fair and square. Except for maybe “Longest”. Regardless, he pretty much pwn0rz3d the whole damned contest. So, in the interest of being able to get more crap out of my house, I awarded Omega the prize in one category, and then awarded prizes to the other winners.

Jamie- Longest: “Clowns with big sausages trying to have anonymous sex with zombies because they heard that necrophilia is fun”. Jamie actually won the longest category fair and square, snatching a complete and total upset from the soul-rending claws of that pervert Omega.

Bliss- Most related to necrophilia: “I want to hump zombies because I love necrophilia”. I would have to say that nothing quite captures the true spirit of necrophilia than this statement by Bliss (well, aside from Omega’s entries, and his family reunions).

Omega- Most surreal: “the undead thundercats are in my pants”. I was actually really happy with this entry. Every time I would look at it I would laugh, and then wonder why the hell I was laughing so hard, read it again, and start laughing again. For all his entries, this one by Omega was the one that broke my brain.

Lori- Strangest instance of the word “coworker”: “Anonymous zombies eating necrophiliac coworkers”. I saw this search term and thought, “Why would it be important that the coworkers that the zombies were eating would be necrophiliacs? Is there an office somewhere housing a bunch of coworkers who are all necrophiliacs?” And it was then that I realized that the cunning use of the word “coworker” is what helped make it so bizarre.

the watergirl- Potentially Criminal: “how to have anonymous necrophiliac sex with my coworkers brother”. More than anyone, twg knows that necrophilia is illegal. I honestly am not sure if she was participating in the contest or actually looking for this information. Either way, she wins a prize.

S. Reed- Most related to zombies: “Zombie semen tastes like cannog”. You could make the argument that there were many entries that were more related to zombies than this one. And you’d be right, but they were all entered by Omega, that sick, sadistic fuck. Actually, for some reason this entry really stood out for me. It might be that cannog is that disgusting. It might be because I’d never really thought about zombie semen. It might be that it’s plagued my dreams all weekend. Regardless, S. Reed takes this one.

Your Neighborhood Librarian- Most offensive: “jesus fucking a corpse on a roof” AND “drinking eggnog from Jesus’s zombie anus”. I don’t know what more can be said about these entries except that they probably would have been even more offensive had they been combined. Kudos, YNL. I hope you enjoy the special place that has now been reserved for you in Hell.

DaMonkeyCode- Make your own category: “I put a wookie in a zombie’s butt and got a pregnant teenage roofer”. This entry was so brilliant in its strangeness that I couldn’t let it go by unnoticed. I envisioned someone stuffing Chewbacca into a zombie’s ass like it was the coin-slot on a vending machine, and moments later a pregnant white-trash teen explodes out of the zombie, nail-gun in hand, shingles over her shoulder. Genius.

So, all the winners should email me their mailing address at my gmail.com address: anonymouscoworker. They’ll get a specially selected piece of junk from my house, and something they might actually enjoy.

Before this contest closes, I think it’s important to recognize the work that Omega went through, so here are all his entries reproduced for your viewing enjoyment. Better not let your boss or significant other see this list or you’ll get kicked to the curb so fast you won’t really know what happened.

child corpse tit fucking (Wow. Talk about hitting the ground running.)
masturbating to animal corpse
jerk my dead dick
hump my mother the zombie stripper
taking a shit on the pope (This one made me laugh out loud.)
I loves me some zombie anus (The folksy tone of this one really sells it.)
I picked up a hooker at the mortuary
Random car fart eats the glazed soup bucket
the undead thundercats are in my pants
I ate my shitty coworker and then molested his bones (Talk about adding insult to injury.)
An orgy of undead loving
Freak me with your rotting booty (I think he was channeling Sir Mix-a-lot on this one.)
I’m going to shoot you in the face when I rob you
Glen Burnie is the goddamn devil (Oh c’mon, it’s not that bad.)
Eat the maggots from my zombie ass, you ignorant necro
I pleasure myself when kittens are killed (I guess that’s sort of the inverse of this.)

And that he ended his last entry with, “That’ll do, pig, that’ll do.” damn near killed me.