It was a banner fucking weekend at the Coworker household, let me tell you. First of all, no, no one fucked any banners, get your mind out of the gutter. I live in a tiny duplex, so I share stuff with my neighbors. They get the benefit of me mowing the whole front lawn every now and then (as opposed to just my half) and in return we get to listen to our elderly neighbors have screaming matches with each other over the dumbest shit in the world. Example:
“Did you take the trash out?!”
“What!?”
“The trash! The trash! Did you take it out!?”
“Not yet!”
“Why don’t you take the goddamned trash out?!”
“I’m getting around to it!”
Imagine that in a horrible harpy-esque screeching, mixed with a drunkenly slurred hollering, and you’ve pretty much got the ambient noise that is our neighbors. Also, they kindly share their ants. Every summer ants start pouring out of the walls until we nuke the shit out of them with some Sevin Dust (which I’ve been so happy with that I’m willing to shill for them for free. But be sure to get the Sevin 10. Sevin 5 is for pussies.), and then they ask me if we have ants, and I say, “Not anymore,” and they ask how I got rid of them and I tell them, but they never do shit about it. I’m sure this is also a fight they have.
So anyway, I’m mowing the lawn yesterday, and I’m trying to steer around the sewer-pipe/wastewater access pipe in my neighbors yard when the mower slips and lands right on top of what is essentially a 6-inch-wide metal stump that sticks up three inches out of the ground. There’s a terrible sound like two metal pitbulls trying to get their hump on, and then the mower spits out HALF of the pipe cover. I have no idea where the other half went. I look towards the front door of their house and the old bastard is standing right there so I wave him out so I can show him what happened. He gives me the “wait a minute” finger and heads into the house. I take the opportunity to inspect the damage and notice that there’s a huge ant infestation living inside the access pipe. At that moment he drunkenly stumbles into the yard and picks up 50% of his pipe cover. I start to apologize when he says, “No, it don’t fit on right. It ain’t never fit on. It just sits on top like this.” He didn’t even notice that his pipe cover had been sheared in half.
So I start to tell him about the ants, and he’s peering down the hole, half a pipe cover in one hand, his other hand rubbing the back of his head with contemplation as he wobbles back and forth like a geriatric Weeble full of too much Schlitz and then he says, “Looks like I’m going to have to pour some gasoline down there,” and I just want to smack him.
“Listen you liver-spotted imbecile- if you didn’t throw bread out on the lawn every day you wouldn’t have all these ants and you wouldn’t have to pour gasoline into a sewer line that most likely feeds directly into the Bay,” is what I would have said if I didn’t want to just get the hell out of there, so I instead just made a grunting noise that sounded vaguely affirmative and went back to mowing while making a mental note to buy twice as much Sevin Dust this year.
Now I think we know why all the honeybees disappeared.
Ummm…isn’t pouring a dangerous pesticide into the Bay just a teensy bit worse than gasoline??
I live in the city, have no lawn (thank GOD) and have a huge ant problem. I’m wondering if that sevin dust you speak of will work for us. We’ve tried everything short of calling the damn bug exterminator.
So I buy this Sevin Dust, pour it on the floor, and voila! No more ants? Is that how it works?
Sevin-10 huh? Is this more effective than my ol’ Aqua Net remedy?
Good to know I’m not the only one fighting a war on ants every spring. I tried every possible natural remedy and caulked every little crack and crevice before getting out the poison. Your neighbor could pour boiling water down that pipe instead of gasoline. My neighbor told me to pour motor oil on the weeds in the alley. Are gasoline and motor oil considered all-purpose items, kind of like duct tape, to city residents???
I love/hate old drunk people.
Ummm…there is also a slight problem with Mr. Weeble Wobble`s methodology. It`s ILLEGAL.
I`m an environmental lawyer, and I`d be happy to report his contaminant pushing, fish killing, polluter ass.
ANTS!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
…as he wobbles back and forth like a geriatric Weeble full of too much Schlitz…
If you don’t write a book, or at least a collection of short stories and get them published, I’m going to smack you.
Oh yeah… ants… bummer.
Alan- Bees I don’t have a problem with. They don’t bother me, I don’t bother them.
Broadsheet- I wasn’t going to pout it into his sewer pipe, I was going to use it for the inevitable swarm around my house.
Lori- I’m not sure that Sevin Dust works inside, but we’ve had great results with it outside. For inside I suggest Terro.
Zak- Like I mentioned to Lori, it works better outside. Try Terro.
Hanmee- Much more so. We usually only have to apply twice per summer.
Danielle- I think the old-schoolers have no idea how much they can fuck shit up by pouring motor oil and gasoline on every problem. Clearly they aren’t aware that they’re creating a lake of napalm underground.
Stephanie- Tell me about it. Funny to see, not funny to live near.
Vespertine- Oh yeah, there’s the illegality of it too. Unfortunately, I’d have to give you his address for you to report him, and then you’d know my address. Rest assured that a few beers later he was as oblivious to the ant problem as he was to the fact that he used to have twice as much sewer pipe cover.
Kendra- YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! They are unstoppable. They can only be slowed down for another year.
Monkey- Are YOU going to publish me? Because if not, you’re pretty much looking at my collection of short stories. ;)
What an idiot. Gasoline is up to $3 a gallon now. Tell him to light a firecracker down there.
It’s too bad it’s a duplex. Otherwise, I can think of a more appropriate spot for the gasoline. However, it could be worse. You could have to endure the sound of them doing the Wild Thing:
“I’m in the mood tonight.”
“OK, I’ll go put on my Depends thongs.”
“Forget that–let’s make sweet whoopee right now.”
“Ahhhh, my hip, my hip. “
I think I must have missed something. Is he really throwing bread onto the lawn? What, so the bread fairies will come?
MD- I hadn’t even thought of gas prices. Jesus, what kind of world do we live in when we can’t pour gas into a sewer for pennies on the gallon?
tfg- Between the constant drinking and his age, I’m pretty sure that the lead has gone out of his pencil.
MonkeyPants- For the birds. The bread gets thrown out on the lawn for the birds.
Ants are worse than bees. Bees will only spoil picnics and camping trips. Ants have no concept of personal space.