The other night my douchebag cats were keeping me up by doing stupid douchebaggy things like banging on the closet doors, banging on the shower doors, and banging on the doors to the linen closet. Why do they do this? Because they want me to get up, because when I get up that means I might feed them. Might. So, in an attempt to get food at 2, 4, and 6am, they bang on all kinds of shit so that I might get up and feed them. This is their version of the lottery, and I’ve started giving them the “jackpot” by squirting them in the face with a spray bottle of water. Hopefully in a few weeks it’ll sink into their heads that banging on shit equals wet face.
On this particular night I tried to go back to sleep, but of course my mind wandered, and as usual, the first thing my mind wanders to is movies. Horror movies. In an attempt to not terrify myself awake by thinking of the crazy American guy blowtorching the face of the Japanese girl in Hostel while surrounded by zombies from Night of the Living Dead and running away into the foot-chase from Texas Chainsaw Massacre I instead thought about cell-phones in horror movies, and why they’re never brought along.
Can you imagine the frustration of the moviegoer to have sit through a scene like this?:
Hero dialing phone.
Hero: Hey man, we could really use some help here…. Hello… What?… No, it’s Mike… MIKE… IT’S MIKE… MIKE… Hello?… What?… Yes, it’s Mike… YES, IT’S MIKE… We need some help… HELP…. WE NEED SOME HELP…. What?… Are you still there?… What?… WE. NEED. SOME. HELP…. Yeah… Yeah, help… We’re at the farm. … The farm… THE FARM… AT THE FARM… THE Fa oh fuck it, I’ll just do this myself.
Hero throws phone at zombified serial killer that’s been waiting politely for the call to end.
Aaaaand scene.
Nobody wants to see that movie. Except for maybe me. But anyway, while I was laying in bed thinking about that, I distinctly heard the sound of a voice being transmitted through an electronic medium, and it freaked me right the fuck out.
It wasn’t clear enough to be a TV or radio. It wasn’t even clear enough to be a cell phone. It sounded like someone was talking quietly through a megaphone. I lifted my head up to get a better location on the sound, and I caught a “can you give me a locatio”, so I figured it was the cops or an ambulance, but couldn’t figure out why they were using a megaphone outside. Then I heard, “it’s a uhhhhhh 10-”, and suddenly I realized that the sound wasn’t outside, but was INSIDE the house.
I whipped my head around to check my phone. It was closed. It couldn’t be that. The TV was off and so was the radio, and I knew for a fact that computer was off because I checked it before I got back in bed after spraying the cats.
“what’s the uhhhh”
It was right next to my ear. To say that the paranoia was overwhelming would be an understatement. My chest was constricting. My eyes were bulging out of my head. My body was completely rigid. It wasn’t until I heard it again that I realized I hadn’t been breathing.
“a car about three”
I very slowly turned my head to look at where the sound was coming from, and as Mrs. ACW inhaled I heard, “and it was going” come out of her mouth, and I immediately realized something was happening that I had first read about in Encyclopedia Brown in the 3rd grade, but had never actually experienced until now; Mrs. ACW’s braces were picking up transmissions on the emergency frequency. The voices I heard were those of cops, or ambulances drivers, or somebody, because I could hear the distinct static of the walkie-talkie things they use. And I could only hear anything when she was breathing in. She was breathing kind of heavily, but not to the point of snoring, and her mouth was slightly open. Every time she took a breath in I guess it vibrated her mouth enough for me to hear the transmission, because when she breathed out I couldn’t hear anything.
I actually laid there and listened to the transmissions for about 15 minutes until Mrs. ACW rolled over and the connection was lost. Mrs. ACW thinks I was dreaming about the whole thing and that it’s impossible for it to happen, but I’m 100% certain that I was awake, and even though I can’t find much evidence in a 5 minute Google search, I’m sure somebody out there has had a similar experience or can explain to her that yes, it does happen from time to time. Have you ever heard of this?
Isn’t it obvious? Your blushing bride is actually n alien with a sub-vocal communicator.
While not really a horror movie, cell phones are sort of an undercurrent theme in the new, and very entertaining, monster movie The Host.
Trippy. Time to line the walls with copper mesh.
My little tiny guitar amp sometimes does the same thing, so I imagine it would have had to be very quiet for you to actually hear the transmissions — I understand braces aren’t great amplifiers and all.
Of course, you could just kill her. Problem solved.
No more ’shrooms before bedtime, dude.
No fair. I’ve got braces and the only thing I’ve been able to pick up is wireless internet.
There was an episode of The Partridge Family where Laurie’s braces picked up radio signals. So it must be factual. I mean, The Partridge Family is all-knowing, ya know.
You need a tinfoil hat. That will solve everything!
Before you go to bed turn on your white noise CD, take some melatonin, shove in some earplugs and put on your eyemask.
Get the fuck out!!! That there is some craaaaaaazy shit. Closest experience I’ve had to that is the time I was in high school and I shot a little kid with a BB gun as he got off the bus.
On second thought, that isn’t close at all, is it?
Mrs. ACW wears braces? You married a dork?
And isn’t the more logical explanation that you were hearing something through the two-way transmitter “The Company” implanted in her teeth to keep tabs on you? That braces picking up walkie-talkie chatter is just too far-fetched.
I’ve never heard of this before, but I love it.
Couldn’t find anything about radio transmissions being picked up by braces, but Snopes.com reports that Lucille Ball reported picking up transmissions through recent dental fillings in the ’40s…and one of them was from a Japanese spy!
Well, you’re quite obviously insane. Good luck.
Also, come play in my caption contest!
I have heard of this phenomenon, but I thought it as likely as cats learning ANYTHING we try and teach them..
I had the same thing happen to me when I was a kid and had braces. It only happened a couple of times, and once I changed positions the signal was lost, but it really happened. I was 12, so it was the most awesome thing EVER.
http://radio.about.com/od/funradiothingstodo/ss/10Weird...
acw absolutely married a dork- but a dork who will soon have straight teeth.
i still think he was dreaming. for some reason, the thought of this actually happening while i was sleeping and unaware of it really creeps me out, like i was possessed or something (the horror movie theme continues!). i prefer to think he imagined it.
My cat also does this; I taught him to open doors and ever since, I’ve regretted it. He can’t open the round door handles due to lack of thumbs so he decides that head-butting them and thus making noises will prompt ME to open them. I don’t need to give any discipline, though, after several tries he knows that I won’t adjust to his needs in the morning.
As for radio frequencies and braces — that is certainly a first.
Mmm hmm, love them straight-toofed womens. MythBusters did a segment on tooth fillings. Busted, although they didn’t try braces.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MythBusters_(season_1)#Radio_Tooth_Fillings
You’re so going to jail. The FCC is going to come after your ass for listening to pirate radio. I doubt they’d take Mrs. ACW since she was asleep at the time of transmission and really only receiving, unless you attempting to talk back to the police via the braces.
I was going to comment first on your “obnoxious cat conditioning” trick, but I’m still trying to get my head around the transmissions through the braces thing. Wow… I’m going to steal this story and start telling it as my own. Although my girlfriend doesn’t have braces, so I’ll have to be a little creative with that. If you’re lying, I’m going straight to the FCC!
How freaky. Maybe she is possessed?
You really need to stop banging pussies in the middle of the night.
That’s soooo cool… What other features does Mrs. ACW have? The only option my GF came with was multiple personalities. I wish she had the optional short wave radio feature…
I’m just sayin’…
Oh crap! You know I was totally kidding about the dork thing, right, Mrs. ACW? Man, I feel so bad now. It’s all fun and games until a blogger’s innocent wife gets insulted. :-(
That is too too much, but funny all the same. Does Mrs ACW ever have weird dreams centering around conversations, b/c she could just be picking them up on her braces and hearing them in her sleep!
Stick with the squirting water in the kitties faces, it works really well after a while. My cats no longer bother me if I close them out of the bedroom at night, because I used to open the door and squirt them in the face if they sat outside the door and meowed to be let in.
As for the braces/radio frequency thing, *shrug* stranger things have happened.
The only time this actually works/happens on people’s phone lines and gutar amps is with AM transmissions because amplitude modulatioh doesn’t require any really special circuitry to receive. The radio signal gets into the amplifier circuit or the phone headset speaker and its energy moves the magnets around to produce the sound of the radio station. Almost every public service system around you (or anywhere) is FM or some sort of digital mode. Listening to digital or FM without any decoding circutry is like listening to a modem on your phone line. Only people who still use AM are airplanes and trucker CBs.
Had this actually happened, you wouldn’t have heard the “distinct static.” While the actual words could have been above the noise floor so that you could hear them, the only reason that you hear the static bursts on an actual AM radio or CB is because its a really sensitive receiver, and lets some of the atmospheric/ambient radio noise in before it realizes that the strong signal is gone and squelches the receiver. An inefficient receiver wouldn’t be able to do that because its attenuation would have been so high, and the braces would have simply gone silent.
Rob Carlson just channeled Cliff Claven! Do it again, Rob!
This is going to take a while….
Alan- I think that’s the first time anyone has called her a “blushing bride”.
Mike- I cannot wait to see that movie. DC has the closest showing, correct?
Andrew- I’ll be just like the NSA!
Kaneda- Kill her!? But then who would I get to do my laundry?
Bliss- But meth is still okay, right?
DL- You’re a walking hot spot!
CM- I never watched the Partridge Family, but will use this as basis for proof.
Kelli- Need? Have more than a few. Want one?
Trinity- Sleeping with an eyemask would almost guarantee nightmares about torture.
Neckbone- No, but an amusing anecdote nonetheless.
S. Reed- Yes, I married a dork, but so did she. As did your wife.
Stephanie- Feel free to use it.
Nandy- I saw that too, but it was unsubstantiated, so I didn’t mention it.
Diesel- Not obviously. I think I hide it well.
Kerstin- I’ve taught my cats to be fat layabouts. That’s worked pretty well.
Jules- Finally! Vindication!
DBDP- And I bet that took you about 30 seconds to find, too.
Spencer- That’s how we got them to stop meowing outside the door, by just ignoring it. This they don’t seem to ever tire of.
Alex- I haven’t seen that episode. I’ll have to watch for it.
Mojotek- Good luck with the story! Maybe you can convince her to get braces.
theotherbear- No, the voices weren’t followed with a steaming column of pea soup and a spinning head, so I think we’re okay.
MD- I don’t bang them. I squirt them.
Just Sayin- She doesn’t really have any other features, but I think she’s got a busted nag zone. I never hear nagging.
S. Reed- I think she knew you were kidding. You can stop crying in your Fruit Loops.
Deanne- I’ll have to ask her about the conversations thing.
Robin- I think it will work. We’ve already stopped them from attacking one door with the water.
Rob- Upon further recollection, it may not have been “static” that I was hearing, but Mrs. ACW’s breathing combined with my anticipated expectation of static.
Neckbone- Who does that make me? Sammy? Norm? No, wait. I know. I’m Woody.
Why do you torment me so with these stories? You know I have a terrible crush on Mrs. ACW. That she comes with this feature only makes me love her more.
Our cats do the banging thing too. It’s cute until someone becomes a sleep deprived zombie.
instead of a “braces” and “radio waves” google search, I searched for “fillings” and “radio waves.” Dozens of hits came up.
Now, maybe, people will start believing me when I tell them that Jesus talks to me via the steel plate in my ass.
Well, that proves it.
You’re a Cylon! (see Battlestar Galactica final episode of Season 3)
No argument from me about my dorkitude, but what’s with the Fruit Loops?
Yes, you are SO Woody. Mrs ACW could be either Shelley Long, or Kirstie Alley (Kirstie when she was hot, naturally). Which do you prefer?
I get to be Carla!