I’m not even sure where to start, but in order to make things as confusing as possible, I’ll begin thusly:
That first sentence isn’t even necessary. I could have just started here and the effect would have been the same. Well, I couldn’t have exactly started here because the reference to the first sentence would be meaningless because the first sentence wouldn’t exist, and all of this talk about first sentences now would actually reference the sentence, “That first sentence isn’t even necessary,” which would make things all the more confusing. So rather than further confuse things, I’ll start here:
Well, now I’ve done it twice. Anything I type at this point becomes absolute nonsense. I could wax poetic about benefits of corpse canoodling (I know you’ve all been waiting for me to bring that topic up again) and even on my blog, it wouldn’t make a damn bit of sense in this context, because you would first have to read through the above two paragraphs, and then get to this and you’d be thinking, “He’s gone completely bonkers. He’s fully off his nut. I can’t wait for the coming weeks and months as his blog further spirals towards insanity, and I’ll have a front row seat. But I promise not to enjoy it too much, because that would be wrong.”
And here we are at the fourth paragraph and we’ve made no headway into anything resembling an actual blog post whatsoever.
Really. Who’s still reading this drivel? It’s like a train wreck collapsing inward on itself creating a rip in the space time continuum and all you can think to do is wonder where that cotton candy smell is coming from.
Nope.
The next paragraph begins with a renewed sense of hope in the reader. With that sentence ended and this one referencing that one, the reader wonders why this sentence is addressing the reader as “the reader” and why all three sentences have been referencing themselves. This sentence adds to the confusion. As does this one. And this one as well. This one started out vibrant, and with the hope that it would add some sort of clarity, but alas, it does not.
No. No don’t do it. Put the delete key down. No. No sentences! It doesn’t have to come to this! N
This first sentence I am writing is wrong. The one before this one is wrong. I like watching train wrecks.
My cat’s breath smells like cat food.
Oh my god, you’ve been possessed by the spirit of McSweeney’s founder Dave Eggers! (or choose your pomo self referential author here). Quick, apply some Tolstoy! Or a little Twain. Whew, that should do it.
Now never do this again!
smooches,
-B.
I’m trying to come up with a witty response, but I think that post actually killed some brain cells. Was that some kind of sociological experiment? “Will [semi-]intelligent mammals willingfully read absolute bullshit?”
Give me back that last two minutes of my life, please, or I will sue you for them.
Huh. To think, I kinda thought that was gonna go somewhere…and then I laughed. You know, the lunatic kind of laugh.
You lost me at thusly. :)
Speaking of canoodling corpses, apparently, you have a better chance if you fly First Class.
Or fly to Singapore and can get yourslef a seat into one of the “corpse cupboards”. Cupboard implies eating more than canoodling, though…
See the Dead Guy link:
Hence why I always lead with a pic - don’t want to read Bliss’ ramblings today? Fine - then here’s a Dolce & Gabbana ad to ogle. :)
my armpits are chafed.
When you finish writing this crap do you lean back in your chair, cross your arms and maniacally grin at your accomplishment?
I picture that you do.
I didn’t understand this post, then my dog explained it to me…right before he turned into a giant talking taco that poops ice cream.
this is where I say something witty…
and then something profound, like “it seems like we know each other. we all know each other”
then I pass out
That post makes more sense if you read it backwards.
Andrew- with the Ralph Wiggum quote. Nice.
Brent- So, what’s your novel about?
Kaneda- I was betting that folks would be at the end before they realized that they’d actually read nothing.
Lori- You can’t sue me. You willfully neglected your own common sense to avoid my blog anyway.
Jules- Yeah, it’s all lunatic laughter around here today.
Poppy- You had me at “hello”. Wait. What?
Alan- This is exactly my point. Dead people are dead. Stuff them in the overhead and let the flight continue uninterrupted.
Bliss- The best days are when they’re complete non sequiturs.
Kendra- That means it’s working!
emaleejayne- I’d be lying if I said I didn’t not never don’t not do that. Not.
CBC- Wow. I actually laughed out loud at that. Bravo sir.
kate1976- Pass out from the insight or the drugs?
MD- No fair giving away my secrets, David Lynch.
Finally a post that explains what blogging is all about. Brilliant.
Weeeeeeell, I’d just assume that anything you write into the giant cum-sock that is the Internerd (and look up ‘cum-sock; if you’re not familiar) is public knowledge.
Speaking of which, I’m going to have a free day up in Blogimore sometime in the next couple of weeks. Get mit me ober das schedule unde alle das. Bitte?
Round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows.
Surreal, it’s like I was watching myself reading your post, imagining you writing your post and giggling insanely to yourself, then telling off what you’d written for not making sense!
I am covered in dog fur.
I found this post stimulating.
I learned about self-referential sentences in high school - I loved this blog post. (Found you through Wide Lawns - hi!)