Alright, let’s see. First of all, I haven’t updated the blogroll yet. Haven’t touched it since it exploded, so I haven’t added anyone. Because? (Pointing at myself) Douche.
What else? Oh yeah, the exciting world of TAXES! Mrs. ACW and I finished our taxes this weekend. And when I say “Mrs. ACW and I” what I mean is Mrs. ACW made muffins and read a book while I did the taxes. Furthermore, I even helped with the muffins. So, in “Being married” points I have 345 and she has 8. Because I am awesome, and she pretty much doesn’t do anything around the house. Yeah. Seriously. Women were born with the genetic disposition to clean all day, and who ends up doing all the work? Me. This wouldn’t be as frustrating as it is, but women don’t understand science, so you can’t even explain to them why they have a genetic predisposition towards housework without them getting all glassy-eyed and drooly.
For example, after I finished the taxes, and finished shoveling the driveway (it snowed again), I wanted to sit down and read the new issue of Wired. But Mrs. ACW was all like, “If you’ve got nothing to do, I can find something for you to do.” Queen of the harpies, she is. Anyway, so I got up and remembered that the sink stopper dohicky in our sink has been non-functional for a few days, so I decided to fix that. The problem was that no matter how hard I pushed or pulled the little rod behind the faucet, the dohicky stopper wouldn’t move. (That’s what SHE said.) So I pulled all the crap out from under the sink. Took the dohicky apart. Cleaned it. Put it back together. And it worked fine. A bit anti-climactic don’t you think?
Why did I have to do all this? Because the task that Mrs. ACW “found” for me was to clean the sink basin, and I couldn’t clean the sink basin until the dohicky was fixed. Why did I need to clean the sink basin? Because tiny globs of toothpaste had sat there for days and days and solidified. Don’t ask me why I had to clean this mess up. When I brush my teeth, all that ever results is foam. (That’s what she said?) I have no idea how Mrs. ACW can brush her teeth and still have huge chunks of toothpaste in near-mint (har har) condition falling all over the sink basin. It looks she squeezes little blobs of toothpaste out of the tube and directly onto the sink. I just don’t understand how that can happen. It’s so weird. And yet I’m the one cleaning it up. It’s probably all part of her “2,548 Tiny Things I Will Do to Eventually Give ACW an Aneurysm” which includes the way she never puts the small plates into the small-plate area in the dishwasher (they’re the only plates that will fit there!) and how she closes ziplock bags by first randomly pinching a few areas closed before sealing it from left to right. Why not just seal it in the first place and skip the whole pinching part!?
Anyway, as I was saying, taxes. I was using TurboTax and I imported all of my info and Mrs. ACW’s info without realizing that we couldn’t file as “Single” anymore. We had to either file jointly, or “separately but Married”. So I ran us through the paces of filing jointly, and both of us filing separately. Now, keep in mind that regardless of how we file, the information remains the same. My wage doesn’t change, Mrs. ACW’s wage doesn’t change, and our $10,000 tax deductible donation to “Cat-Bloggers for Congress: Shnookums Wookums Mid-Atlantic Chapter” doesn’t change. And yet, if I file separately I owe 600 bucks to the state and federal gov’mint, and Mrs. ACW collects a modest refund. When we file jointly, the gov’mint suddenly has money to GIVE to me, and Mrs. ACW collects an even larger amount. What the fuck sense does that make? Nothing changes but our marital status.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I like money; it’s what keeps the strippers from getting violent. But at the same time getting married seems awfully inconsequential in the soulless black void that is the US tax code (”Did you collect any Railroad Retirement funds? Tell us! Tell us so we can tax whatever meager earnings you make!”). Plus, the math behind it isn’t readily apparent. It’s all kind of floofy and “oh yeah, taxes, yeah, um, married, yeah, oh here’s some money, whee!”. It doesn’t make any sense.
So, yeah. This is all true.
Thank goodness Uncle Sam won’t let those filthy gays get their hands on that money, or we’d all be SHARING that pot of money.
Don’t forget to claim the cats as dependents.
tfg, you know what, I’ve tried doing that, and unless you know of a magic way to get them social security numbers…you can’t. My buddies at H & R Block tried their hardest, too.
“I like money; it’s what keeps the strippers from getting violent.” Good lord and butter, ACW. That is my new motto. I heart you. I heart you muchly.
Ugh, thanks for reminding me about yet one more thing I need to do. (and I’m not talking about washing the toothpaste bits from the basin, either)
I, too, am a Club Married. We also played the “married filing separate” and “married filing joint” game. Then I set the feminist movement back and said: “Husband, I will iron your shirts if you deal with this bullshit.”
Does Mrs. ACW also wipe her mouth on the hand towel when there’s still a ring of toothpaste froth around her lips? That REALLY gets to me (not that my wife does it, but an old roomate did).
Are you going to post that picture I sent you? Sorry, but I’m so proud of my work, I think it should be shared. I’m a whore, I know. :-)
ACW, are you somehow also married to my wife? Do coffee grounds somehow end up on every surface in the kitchen when she makes coffee too? If so we need to talk.
Also Mrs. Monkey and I usually file seperately but this year paying for two masters degrees saved us a lot of money filing jointly. Apparently you can’t claim that seperately. Of course if the previous statement turns out to be true I may be filing seperately again… except that takes out the majority of the household earnings…
If they keep disincentivizing railroad retirement, pretty soon this country is going to be awash in crotchety old railroads.
Happy Inappropriate Card Day!
Clearly, Dr. Fiancee and I need to get married. I want a slice of this racket badly. I’ll let you know when you can start calling her Dr. Mrs. Kaneda.
Also, if you’re not immediately recognizing these as Venture Brothers references, please go out and buy the Season 1 DVD set and prepare to buy Season 2. If you like animation that is both Rico and Suave, you won’t be disappointed.
I’m thinking Mrs. ACW is my twin that got separated at birth.
Mork- Share money? No way! Unless it’s for an eight-ball and a one-legged prostitute with my old fraternity.
tfg- Well, of course. How else could I afford to pay for Space Camp for each of them?
NPRJ- It’s called “selecting 9 numbers at random”, duh. You think the IRS really checks? Pshaw.
Mel- It’s easy with TurboTax. I swear.
Stephanie- The problem is, Mrs. ACW is bad at ironing, so even that wouldn’t work. I just had to do it myself anyway.
S. Reed- No, she’s not a caveman. Just filthy. (And it’s going up first thing tomorrow.)
DMC- Coffe grounds? No. I usually end up making the coffee, actually, and I don’t even drink it. What the hell is going on!? Sigh. Anyway, yeah, the educational credit was a big boost this time around.
Diesel- Yer goddamn right about that!
Kaneda- Yes. That is the perfect word. “Racket.”
Poopie- Then you are a filthy lazy person.
want to do my taxes? i have the stuff right here.
all i have to say is, eddie izzard is MUCH funnier.
You need to keep that bitch of yours on a leash. I don’t cook, clean, or do chores for no dame. Tell her the only time her mouth should be open is when she’s servicing you. And if she has a problem with any of that, toss her to the curb like an old tire.
Hmm…yet another way us singles are oppressed by ‘the man.’
I recently became the guardian to 12 extra family members, hee hee I said member, and will I be able to deduct these souls? NO. Why? Because for some reason there is a conspiracy against WHORE DOGS WHO DELIVER 12 DAMN PUPPIES AGAINST THE WISHES OF THEIR LOVING OWNER.
And yes, filing jointly does rock.
So does ‘filing’ jointly, ha ha. If you know what I mean.
See you crazy bitches later.
Kendra- I can, for a modest fee…
Mrs. ACW- What would YOU know? You’re a woman.
MD- “I don’t cook, clean, or do chores for no dame.” Apparently you don’t do grammar either.
Robin- Are you saying you like to be “opressed” by a man?
Tish- That’s what SHE said.
Ugh. I hate when there is toothpaste or worse, foamy water in the sink from Wookiee’s (hubby) toothbrushing.
But everything balances out. I leave a mighty lot of hair in the shower hair trap.
It used to be that you got screwed when you got married and your taxes were worse (unless you own a house). Our first year married (pre-house) was the first time I owed anything.
Your tax refund: Yet another reason you should be grateful Mrs. ACW decided to marry you :).
I love me some Mrs. ACW. Oh yes I do.
I’ve missed you while I was gone. And dammit it all, it seems that I missed Mrs. ACW’s birthday too. Please send my belated regards. I’m sending her one of my treasured bananas.