Mrs. ACW and I, having grown tired of the insides of our home during the winter holiday, and having run out of food and alcohol, decided to venture into DC to see the new Museum of the American Indian.
The museum itself was beautifully designed, and the organic interior and exterior were quite a departure from the sometimes stodgy and imposing museums surrounding it. However, the organic interior made for a very poor exhibit layout. Twice I noticed that exhibit rooms, when following as close to what could be reasonably described as “a path”, dead-ended, leaving museum visitors stuck looking for a way out. Every museum exhibit I’ve ever been in has one way in, and one way out, and they never double back on one another. This museum broke all those rules. And while the architect and museum designer are probably patting themselves on the back, hundreds of people are trapped in a tiny enclave that describes the mat-making processes of the Ojibwa.
I’d rather not to put all the blame on the designers though. If the idiots in the museum actually had any concern for anyone other than themselves, most of the problems with bottle-necking would have been eliminated.
Because of this experience, I have decided to write a quick primer for anyone who is visiting the DC area:
1) When you’re in a museum, be aware that other people may want to get by you. Don’t stand in the middle of stairs, hallways, walkways, exhibit spaces, or doorways. Idiot.
2) Don’t stand four across while holding hands with your family. Not only does it make you look like idiots, but you’re also in everyone else’s way. Move, fuckers.
3) If you MUST have your cellphone on in the museum, please silence the ringer. I don’t give a fuck if you just downloaded the new Lady Sovereign ringtone and you’ve been waiting for your boyfriend to call all day, shitface.
4) When riding an escalator, please stand to the right. People want to get past you. Stand to the right. Stand to the FUCKING right you fat whore-painted troglodyte!
5) When getting off the escalator, don’t fucking STAND there. Keep moving you dumb countrified pile of middle-American shit. I realize your home town just had its first stoplight installed last week, but that doesn’t mean that your Balki Bartokomous-esque behavior will be tolerated.
6) Russian, Italian, and Spanish tourists. Fuck off. Don’t come to America. We hate you. Also, Europe wants you to know that you’re more annoying than American tourists, and they want you to fuck off too. Kill yourselves.
It’s a good thing I don’t have the ability to kill with my mind, because I’m pretty sure I would have leveled the whole fucking town.
Sorry I couldn’t make it. I’ve never wanted to chainsaw a ten-year-old more than when I went to the Museum of Natural History in the middle of July. School groups EVERYWHERE.
Ok, one exception. I really wanted to chainsaw Dakota Fanning about ten minutes into ‘War of the Worlds’. But other than that.
my lack of mind powers is the only reason why this great country hasn’t been rid of paris hilton, britney & kfed, and all wearers of ugg boots.
ACW, are you sure you weren’t in the Twin Cities airport? Cuz that’s what you get there too.
Whoa, Dude. Calm down. ;-)
Although I guess I get similarly peeved in crowded museums, too.
By the way, I posted your latest blog entry into “Gender Genie”:
http://www.bookblog.net/gender/genie.php
With interesting results.
heh, DC brings out the best in people.
…and that’s just the damn tourists. having lived down that gourdforsaken way before, I can assure you that a lot of the locals are no better. what a great city.
must… stop…. grinding teeth…
lol!
Why limit these rules to just tourists and museums? People do this stupid, inconsiderate shit everywhere. Like the other day, my office buiding caught on fire. I was on the 6th floor trying to go down the stairs, and I nearly tripped over this idiot in a wheelchair blocking the door. He kept crying, “please help me, I can’t walk!” Dumbass.
Amazingly enough ALL of the those rules would apply perfectly to 90% of the people walking down the streets of Manhattan.
That is, verbatim, what my experience at that museum was like. Good work.
I hate people who walk four across. What the hell are you…the VonTrapp Family? Pisses me off…but not nearly as much as when I am in NYC…and some asshole on the street who doesn’t know the right/left manuever decides to make a short stop in front of you to have a chat with their family.
TOURISTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omega- No worries. And yes, a chainsaw would have been PERFECT.
wendykat- Ah, so YOU’RE the hold up. Get to studying then. It’s already been too long!
Serra- Nope. It was DC. There were phallic monuments everywhere.
CBK- It’s the lack of common sense and decency that drives me over the edge like nothing else.
DJ- Ha! That thing thinks I’m a chick!
Platyetc.-Oh, don’t me started on the locals. Bunch of self-righteous douche-wads.
j$- :)
MD- Ha!
PNYC- I can imagine that DC and NYC have similar tourist draws.
jwer- I imagine EVERYONE’s experience is like that, except for the douches perpetrating the douchiness.
CP- VonTrapp- HA!
Desk Job,
That Gender Genie on BookBlog doesn’t work at all. I posted a sample of my wife’s latest statements to me:
Wah wah waaah… Wah wah wah waaaah. Wah wah waaah… Wah wah wah waaaah. Wah wah waaah… Wah wah wah waaaah. Wah wah waaah…
And it was unable to indentify the gender of that speech. Silly Genie!
You could easily replace the word museum with BWI and still be accurate.
Did you see any tourists do that “happy dance of Mepos?”
brilliant…
did i mention: brilliant…
Alan- It seems clear that’s woman talk. If you had thrown in “shoes” or “chocolate” it would have been perfect.
tfg- It depresses me how much you’re correct with this one.
Phoenix- Ha! “Coosin Larry, Coosin Larry!”
km- thanks!
This made me laugh and laugh, ACW. Because it was genuinely funny and because I think the very same things whenever I find myself at: the airport (all airports, in fact), the shopping mall (all shopping malls), sitting in traffic, driving in traffic, at many (many!) restaurants, at the movie theater (any movie theater), and while walking down the hallways at work. Other people are one of the reasons I was driven from organized religion.
As a species, I’m pretty sure humanity is doomed, a good 95% of it. Have you tried visiting a large, overly-hyped aquarium lately? That’s super-fun, too!
ACW, I think you shoulda drank nog before venturing to the museum. A quick stop to the corner store could have helped you have a much better day.
But other than that, it was fun, right?
Also, everyone with strollers….MOVE THE EFF OVER! The middle of the passageway is not your personal space to aimlessly and slowly wander around and then randomly STOP. If you need to stop, move over. If you have no idea where you are going or what you are doing, move to the right and walk slowly and confoosed-ly. Thank you.
Thats why I love roller derby…you actually get to knock down those people that get in your way. Happy New Year, ACW & Mrs. ACW!!
Happy New Year!
i have to comment, that when i was in europe, wandering around in Denmark and norway, the russian tourist groups were the most annoying of all. didn’t come across any americans.
Happy new year btw :-) hope you and Mrs ACW have a good one.
Lady Sovereign… What a chav.
“Stand to the FUCKING right you fat whore-painted troglodyte!”
I would LOVE to see one of those. Do they only have those in the DC-area museums?