Mrs. ACW and I, having grown tired of the insides of our home during the winter holiday, and having run out of food and alcohol, decided to venture into DC to see the new Museum of the American Indian.
The museum itself was beautifully designed, and the organic interior and exterior were quite a departure from the sometimes stodgy and imposing museums surrounding it. However, the organic interior made for a very poor exhibit layout. Twice I noticed that exhibit rooms, when following as close to what could be reasonably described as “a path”, dead-ended, leaving museum visitors stuck looking for a way out. Every museum exhibit I’ve ever been in has one way in, and one way out, and they never double back on one another. This museum broke all those rules. And while the architect and museum designer are probably patting themselves on the back, hundreds of people are trapped in a tiny enclave that describes the mat-making processes of the Ojibwa.
I’d rather not to put all the blame on the designers though. If the idiots in the museum actually had any concern for anyone other than themselves, most of the problems with bottle-necking would have been eliminated.
Because of this experience, I have decided to write a quick primer for anyone who is visiting the DC area:
1) When you’re in a museum, be aware that other people may want to get by you. Don’t stand in the middle of stairs, hallways, walkways, exhibit spaces, or doorways. Idiot.
2) Don’t stand four across while holding hands with your family. Not only does it make you look like idiots, but you’re also in everyone else’s way. Move, fuckers.
3) If you MUST have your cellphone on in the museum, please silence the ringer. I don’t give a fuck if you just downloaded the new Lady Sovereign ringtone and you’ve been waiting for your boyfriend to call all day, shitface.
4) When riding an escalator, please stand to the right. People want to get past you. Stand to the right. Stand to the FUCKING right you fat whore-painted troglodyte!
5) When getting off the escalator, don’t fucking STAND there. Keep moving you dumb countrified pile of middle-American shit. I realize your home town just had its first stoplight installed last week, but that doesn’t mean that your Balki Bartokomous-esque behavior will be tolerated.
6) Russian, Italian, and Spanish tourists. Fuck off. Don’t come to America. We hate you. Also, Europe wants you to know that you’re more annoying than American tourists, and they want you to fuck off too. Kill yourselves.
It’s a good thing I don’t have the ability to kill with my mind, because I’m pretty sure I would have leveled the whole fucking town.
