Last night I went nogserk. I was completely overcome with a noggling feeling, and no amount of non-nog was going to de-nog the nogging that my internal nogometer was nogalating. … Um, nog.
I lit the nog candle
and put on the nog shirt.
Then I made some nog tea*
and drank my tea with nog in it**.
I also dunked some nog cake (that had been made with nog instead of milk) into the tea/nog combo.
Then I ate a piece of nog taffy*.
Why would I inundate myself with so much nog? What could possibly cause me to nogulate my internal nog-processing plant with so much nogginess?
I drank spoiled nog.
In all my years of drinking nog I’ve never consumed a single droplet of spoiled nog, but last night that all changed. I noticed that the expiration date on the Colonial Custard was about a week past the spoilage threshold. I sniffed it and it smelled fine. I had some a few days before, and hadn’t noticed a single noglet of nutweg awry, and I figured it couldn’t go from fine to filthy in a few days, so I poured myself a tiny bit to taste it.
It tasted fine.
I put my glass back down on the counter and tipped the carton to liberally suckle at the noggy teat. The nog flowed freely, filling half the glass before slowing; the ribbon of flowing nog slowing and thinning to a tiny thread of nog until the nog stopped completely. I was confused. My glass wasn’t nearly full, but the nog had stopped pouring, and there was a substantial bit of weight left in the carton so I knew there was nog in there.
I jiggled the carton a bit and gave it a little squeeze and out sploshed what can only be described as the fetal stages of nog developing bone structure. It was the consistency of runny pudding, and the squeeze was just enough to propel it, like a gelatinous missile, towards my glass. Half of the substance landed in the glass while the other half was sliced off by the edge of the glass where it continued into the sink, still a solid mass, though half its original size.
As it impacted with the sink basin whatever semi-solid/mostly viscous properties it had once retained were immediately broken, and the globnog exploded like a water-ballon filled with cream-colored paint, splattering the bottom and sides of the sink, coating everything with a thin layer of noggy slime. What was most distressing was that the nog on the sides of the sink did not run towards the drain. It was as if the nog had no need to comply with the effects of gravity, so it hung there, suspended by unadulterated vileness and spite.
This whole time I had been standing at the counter still holding the carton, witnessing these events unfold, frozen in place lest I actually come in contact with this filthy mutant that I had a few seconds ago consumed. The last remnants of what even slightly resembled nog slid slowly out of the spout and splattered onto the counter a few inches below. I knew then that drastic measures needed to be taken, or I would never have a drop of tasty nog again.
I quickly rinsed the sink and cleaned the counter. I threw away the carton and started boiling the water for the eggnog tea. I gathered my wits, surrounded myself with every last noggy item in my house, and consciously focused on all the good nog, while pushing out the bad nog from my mind, and began the ritual that I described above. It was only by doing this that I was able to retain my love of nog, and not continuously vomit from last night until well past the New Year.
I have a feeling that I’m going to have to do this all again when I eat the nog soap.
*Review forthcoming
**Wawa nog review: Wawa nog is wholly unremarkable from any other nog except that it’s the only food-mart nog that is made by said food-mart. There is no 7-11 nog. There is no Royal Farms nog. They only carry nogs from local farms. Oh, and by the way, if you don’t know about Wawa, you’re missing out. It’s the greatest food-mart in the world. Yeah, that’s right. In the world. Tim Hortons can suck it.
You may also notice that there is some cannog next to the Wawa nog. Apparently my brother bought me the cannog before he read the cannog post. I don’t know. Maybe this time it will taste better.
Seriously, don’t eat the soap.
“fetal stages of nog developing bone structure”. This line gets my vote for funniest line uttered in written form. Four stars, ACW. Four stars today.
Eggnog spelled backwards is Gongge, which in Mandarin is the phonetic equivalent of “wild dog spooge.” Thought you should know.
I have to ask what may potentially be a painfully obvious question. Given your unique and verbose affection for all things nog, why haven’t you tried making some yourself? It’s a bit daunting, but it actually tastes better than the homogenized store-bought stuff that has been the subject of your reviews.
Maybe next year…
Tfg–I tried to tell the boy…
And I gotta say, a shower with the eggnog soap would have purged this scene a lot quicker. You can slice off the eatin’ portion before showering, because handmade soap’s cool that way.
Yeah, but you’re going to get the nogshits.
Am laughing and throwing up at the same time.
That’s a lot of nog.
Holy crap! A late term nogbortion.
I am so happy you were able to retain your love of nog :) And that you didn’t get sick, you have a stronger stomach then me!
If I mention that I think egg nog is vile in its unspoiled form, does this make me a mutant?
your enthusiasm for nog makes me sad i can’t have any.
“…suckling from the nog teat.”
Wow, you got me all nogged-on. I might have to go nog one out here pretty soon.
You see what you’ve done, you foolish, stupid man? You’ve so oversaturated your tastebuds with nog that they are no longer able to differentiate between good nog and spoiled nog. I bet you could eat a fistful of cigarette butts and it would taste like nog to you, at this point. Way to go, goofball. You ruined a beautiful thing.
“the globnog exploded like a water-ballon filled with cream-colored paint, splattering the bottom and sides of the sink,”
Hmm, maybe you just discovered a new color for paint. Just think of painting a room in a cream eggnog. All the major paint companies would promote the eggnog color, and just for good measure claim that it smells just like eggnog. Then people could have a nog room to drink and savor Eggnog!
ACW: In keeping with the theme of your post, I have posted my recipe for Maven’s Effing Lazyman Nog.
I just thought, just in case you had a wild hair up your buttocks, perhaps you’d craft a batch of your own nog, or perchance would try my recipe.
BONER APPETITE!
You love nog way too much. Way.
Have you tried soynog?
Do they make nog-flavored peeps? That would be festive.
Crap I’ve been reading too much of the peep guy lately…
Merry Christmas, ACW, ACWW, Mokie, MO Bride, and the rest of your extended clan!
I can’t wait to hear about the Can Nog.