When you get married you get to do many exciting things. For example, because you’re married you get a break on your taxes, which is a de facto way of the government saying, “We approve of your marriage, and everything you do within your union.” So essentially if you like to be wrapped in tinfoil, duct taped to the ceiling, spanked with 1/8 scale replica cardboard-cutout of Ronald Reagan, all while singing traditional Christmas music, the government is PAYING you for being that big of a freak, and only because you’re a freak who is married.
Mrs. ACW and I don’t ever do anything that exciting (even though she said that if I bought the duct tape she would think about it) but this past weekend she did add me to her bank account. I told her that if she doesn’t treat me right I’ll just clean her out. Maybe I shouldn’t have typed that. They could probably use that for evidence later, couldn’t they? I guess I’ll delete it.
Eh. Maybe later.
Anyway, we’re at the bank, and for some reason it takes 40 minutes to add my name to her account, but it finally gets done. Mrs. ACW and I then went to a number of different stores to shop for Christmas presents for people, and for our cats. Yes, Mrs. ACW is the type of person who loves to buy presents for our pets. I prefer to not be punched in the wang when the conversation would ultimately escalate to violence, so I keep my mouth shut and go along with such a crazy idea. We bought the cats a 3 foot scratching post, but when they got home they found a better toy.
This is Sherlock playing with the business card of the woman at the bank that we met with.
He and Wookie must have chased that thing around for hours. I’d fling it at them and almost every time they’d pounce on it in mid-air before pulling it to the ground and trying to kill it. A few times Sherlock carried the card around in his mouth, but I couldn’t get a picture of him doing it. The best I could do is the first picture above. I kept telling Mrs. ACW that he was a card-carrying business-cat, but she didn’t think it was very funny after the third time he tried to sell her Accidental Death and Dismemberment insurance. What can I say, he drives a hard bargain?
Finally we dragged the scratching post to the middle of the floor and they really started playing with it. As you can see here, Sherlock very quickly claimed it as his own personal thing to lay on.
It didn’t take him long to get the hang of it though, and for a while he kept climbing to the top of the thing like he was re-enacting the final scene in King Kong. (King Kong falls off the Empire State Building, dies, and the audience realizes that man was the real monster. Why you gots ta be a monsta all up in here?) In the picture below you can see Wookie immitating one of those tiny clip-on koalas from the 80s.
Seeing how much fun Wookie was having with the business card and the scratching post, I decided to combine the two into THE ULTIMATE CAT TOY OF FUN AND EXCITEMENT FOR CATS TO HAVE FUN WITH WHEN THEY’RE PLAYING WITH TOYS OF EXCITING FUN FOR CATS!!! I balanced the business card on top of the scratching post, and Wookie would leap up and get it down. She must have done it an half-dozen times before I shot the video below, and it was subsequently the last time she would do it.
Before watching the video, there are some things you should be made aware of:
1) that’s our new laminate flooring, now free from lumps after the second installation
2) The person you hear calling Wookie in the stupid baby voice is me
3) the person squealing with girlish delight at the end of the video is mokiejovis
4) if you turn it up really loud at the last 1 or 2 seconds you can hear mokie’s wife saying, “Aw, that’s so cute!”
Now for our feature presentation-
She’s a super-badass!
You gave the cats their Christmas present before Christmas? Now what are they going to open on Christmas morning?!
Well, obviously, they’re going to open his abdomen and feast on his steaming nog-filled entrails… sheesh.
Your cats are awesome! I miss having cats. :-(
Why did Mokie’s wife marry him if he’s a eunuch?
I love Mokie’s giggle! Elmo has nothing on him.
I didn’t think that Mrs. ACW and Calzone had anything in common before reading this post. However, Calzone buys presents for the dog, both cats and even Purple and I! What a dragon.
Sherlock and Wookie are demonically precious.
I not only buy presents for my animals, but I wrap them up and put them under the tree.
Ultimately, they are more intrigued with the cheap-ass wrapping paper than the 5 dollar toy inside.
Girlish delight, indeed.
I can’t speak for everyone else, but I’m frankly impressed at how deep I managed to get my voice in that clip.
OH. MY. DOG.
That’s more awesome than the cat I used to have who would play Fetch!! LOVE this one!
BTW did you get the soapy goodness yet?
i want to snuggle your cats. you realize that if i ever come to baltimore that this will be pretty high on the agenda.
i buy my cats presents sometimes. they both have personalized christmas stockings.
Personally I’m kinda tired of the Mokie laugh. The only good thing about it is the fact that his laugh is slightly less loud than his “indoor voice”. You see mokie is a “loud talker”. Mokie could be 3 feet from you and still sounds like a jumbo jet landing on your head, seriously.
mokiejovis - no you don’t I’m just kidding
Everyone else - yes he does, ACW will tell you.
Bekah- We got them MORE presents, of course.
jwer- With my luck they’ll start with the old beanbag.
CBK- Everybody loves a good eunuch joke. Ha!
Monkey- I’ll be sure to pass your compliments on to the kittens.
Stephanie- Yeah, we put some of their presents under the tree. The rest go in their stockings.
Jules- For reals, he’s like a 5 years old girl.
Serra- I was pretty excited that she acquiesed to being recorded. And yes, I have the soap.
Kendra- No problem. Our cats have personalized stockings too.
DJ- He’s not a loud talker, he just gets louder as he keeps talking.
LOL. That’s awesome. We love stupid pet tricks. Now if you can get him to use the card to call the woman to have her wire you some money I will be really impressed.
Your laminated pedestrian zone looks nice.
That didn’t come out right.
How precious. I have a similar game, only I play it with Mrs. Dyckerson. And instead of a business card, it’s whipped cream. And instead of a scratching post, it’s my penis.
I think the comment from Stick above is the BEST pickup line I’ve EVER heard. Laminated pedestrian zone, indeed!
And your kids are precious. You should really get them a laser pointer and a remote controlled mouse, man.
It’s not silly to buy prezzies for pets. My dog’s Christmas stocking is bigger than my own….and it’s monogrammed, so Santa can find it easily. Mine just says….um, nothing. Pity me. That dog will make a total haul and I’ll get nuffin.
This was your best post ever. Sherlock & Wookie are so cool that they will be added to CheezyCatz.blogspot.com tonight.
Dyck…your wife scratches your penis?? OUCH!
oh come on, you’re already Time’s Person of the Year, you don’t need to add a You Tube video.
Ok, that was good.
That was a stunt cat in the video, right?
Well, you deleted the post I was going to comment on, but here’s my advice regarding that deleted post, anyway: Get her a hooker. Chicks love that. $30 should cover it, if you go to Tijuana.
RE: the bank account thing…I actually know someone whose spouse cleaned his bank accounts out and left him in the middle of the night. Yep…she took his $$, his kid and left him with 4 months of unpaid bills.
I would feel bad, except for the fact that he and I had a “FWB” thing going, and he treated me badly one too many times.
GREAT footage of the kitty, though…my cats don’t do tricks. Unless you count laying on the floor looking at me like they don’t know me even though I just FED them a few minutes ago.
Great blog…
I just realized you filed this under “sex.” I know there’s a passing reference to sex in the first paragraph, but since the vast majority of the post is about cats, I’m assume you fuck these cats. Am I right? If so, carry on–I’m not here to complain. I was just checking.
Well it is an awfully cute pussy, you crazy babbler…
Too friggin’ cute…
ha ha ha…that was awesome! My cats love crumpled up paper (old receipts, etc). I have not tried business cards. Hysterical!
I also buy presents for the cats and both cats have their own Christmas stockings. Unfriendly and I also get presents from the cats (Just an excuse for more presents, I guess) My best friend and I also get presents for each other’s pets.
I loved this, ACW. Cat haters just don’t understand how stinkin’ cute cats really are.
Also: I’ve been really thinking hard about what to get my cat for Christmas this year. I mean, she’s got everything; what do you get for a cat that has everything? Duh! A business card from a bank lady! HOURS of feline fun.
Thanks!
(by the way: as I typed that, Tasha the cat meowed her approval. She says to tell you she’s totally stoked about her new Xmas toy and seriously can’t wait.) (Also, just for that, she rates this blog 5 (out of 5) litter scratches. And that NEVER happens with Tasha!)