This morning while I was slowly killing myself with bobble-headed talk-show television I saw an ad for what I’m sure is the dumbest invention since the automatic pocket-sized Nutwhacker/Eye-Gouger 3000.
Presto works like this, you plug in the power and hook it up to a phone line, and suddenly you’ll be getting emails from your family all the time… or so they would have you believe.
Here are some of the many problems I see with this device:
1) The price. It costs $150 for the thing, and another $10 per month to continue to use it. And if you use it for a year chances are you’re going to have to replace the shitty little print cartridge because the Presto forces you to print out simple emails on elaborately designed and colored templates. So that’s at best another 40 bucks per year. So for about $300 per year you can send your grandparents’ emails whenever you feel like it. You certainly couldn’t spend $300 on POSTAGE STAMPS to write them A GODDAMNED LETTER every now and then. Asshole.
2) Spam. I can hear the conversation now… “Burt. Burt! Why is this man trying to make your penis bigger?”
“Shut up Gertrude! I’m talking to the people at Western Union so we can get our hands on those millions of Nigerian dollars!”
“Burt! Now somebody wants to sell us a replica watch! … And now more pills. And more watches. And another guy wants to send money. And some woman wants to be your semen bucket.”
Their stupid email printer would, at some point, continuously spew emails as long as it was plugged in, wearing out the print cartridge faster, and further alienating your grandparents from technology.
3) Potential for abuse. Besides spam, there’s other potential for abuse, and I’m pretty sure you might already know what I’m talking about. You know that aunt that you have that sends you the stupid chain emails with the deliriously retarded claims about Coca Cola being made with fiberglass, and margarine being one molecule away from styrofoam? And how she never bothers to delete the 17 pages of forwarded addresses? And how she has an email signature comprised of Bible quotes, jingoistic rants, and kitty-cat jpgs that go on for another 6 pages? Yeah, she’s going to be fucking STOKED that she can email the grandparents now, and you can bet that she’ll be cc’ing you on that shit too. I think at this point they’ll probably be burning through new cartridges fortnightly. And because they’re too stupid or lazy to learn how to use a computer, you know they’re going to be to stupid or lazy to change the printer cartridges, so the printer will either be dry heaving out blank pages for months on end, or you’ll be called upon to magically produce a super-proprietary print cartridge every other week.
All of this is not to mention that you can also text-message the account just like any other email account. So when your bratty 15 year old cousin gets on her Crackberry and texts everyone on her contact list that, “OMG i totalee kised a boi 2nite and he touchd my boob n now i gotta change my pants” you can be assured that your grandparents get that message too. Because I’m sure your grandparents would much rather see a soulless piece of paper being spewed out of their email printer that reads, “hapy xmas gma + gdad” as opposed to an actual phone call. You know what? With grandkids like you, they’re probably already planning on celebrating Christmas with the complete contents of their medicine cabinets.
4) Finally, Presto is being marketed to folks who are too technologically resistant to actually use a computer to get email, so why are all the controls, options, and settings for Presto web-based? “Shit, I can’t use email, but I downloaded Firefox, installed some plugins, and now I’m messing around with the sourcecode on my new blog about how regular my bowel movements have become. Oh, and I set up all that Presto shit too. God, I hate email.”
And who the fuck is going to be emailing these people? All their other geriatric friends will have their goddamned Prestos too, so they sure as shit won’t be emailing each other. The only people who will be emailing will be family, and nothing says “we don’t give a shit about you liver-spotted old coots” more than giving them a device that makes it easier for you to not pick up the phone or stop by to say “Hi”.
I hereby decree that anyone who buys this for a friend or family member is a self-serving asshole who is also retarded. You wanna fight about it?
Just to play the Devils Advocate…
It does seem to be a good way to send digital pictures without having to go get them printed. Because you know that everyone that isn’t afraid of e-mail is deathly afraid of having their digital pictures printed. Seriously, it’s not that expensive people, do you really think those digital pictures don’t need to be printed simply because they’re digital?
DJ- But how good would the quality REALLY be for printing? Besides which, sending pictures to someone with this thing would use up their ink EVEN FASTER. Not that I don’t agree about the printing digital pictures thing, I just doubt that this is the ideal way to do it.
look at all the gray hairs in their little ad on their site. it’s pure evil marketing i tell ya. ew!
i have an old fax machine in the basement that works better i’m sure.
Awesome.
And “fortnightly” is a cool word.
It is a stupid product and even if I thought it wasn’t, I’m just too damn tired to fight about it.
OMG My aunt has sent me every single thing you listed and more. If I get one more “please forward this to 10 people immediately, or God will smite you”, emails, I’m going to charge her with harassment. The angel and bunny emails burn my eyes!
NO, digital pictures DO NOT need to be printed all the damn time! You do not have to print out every single damn one! That’s why they’re DIGITAL, so that you can keep them on your computer forever. If you are one of those people who keeps photo albums or does scrapbooking, well, that’s one thing. But, you do realise that you can do all that on a COMPUTER now, right? Right?
DJ- Well, it depends on if the image is an attachment or in-line. Or if Presto can even open image attachments. Or if the idiot sending the email sends the right size and not 2800 x 4900 or 12 x 18.
Katie- This is, indeed, the poorest way to send images.
Kira- Oh yeah, they’re definitely trying to go for poor and pathetic feelings.
CBK- Yeah, it’s one that’s always stuck with me.
DL- Aw, I was kinda hoping for a fight.
Broadsheet- I have a particular aunt in mind, so I’m not surprised she has a duplicate in your family.
Jules- Computers are for robots.
GAH! I have not one, but THREE–no…no…FOUR of those “Your hair will fall out and God will smite you for not forwarding this to ten people in under five minutes”
They stopped after I started hitting the reply all button with Snopes research on said Forward.
My one HATE is the racist forwards that aren’t overtly racist that really grind my gears…..
Hey your aunt is my friends mom. There are days I get 20+ emails with the blinky graphics and stupid forwards.
And the machine really is stupid - if people are willing to try that they were already willing to try using the library computer.
And how she has an email signature comprised of Bible quotes, jingoistic rants, and kitty-cat jpgs that go on for another 6 pages?
This line and the “Crackberry” reference fixed it so that I had to change my pants.
sooo… you don’t want one then. i sure hope the store gives me my money back.
Jules - I didn’t meean to say that ALL digital pictures need to be printed, but there are so many people out there that never share their pictures because they don’t know how to print them or e-mail them or put them online. I personally print hundreds of pictures, but that’s because my wife likes to put them into photo albums. We also have a gallery2 setup online, and I archive them often so I don’t lose them in the event of a disk crash. I’m also thinking of getting a safety deposit box at a bank to store monthly backups.
Is margarine really one molecule away from styrofoam? ‘Cause I’d love to be able to butter my toast with the packaging my new Presto came in…
Dek Job,
I send all the pics of my progeny to WalMart/Greens via the web. Grandma drives downtown with her turn signal on continuously at 30 MPH in the left lane, watching for bald eagles and hawks to fly over the river. I think she thinks I mail the film to WalMart/Greens. Personally, I think this works better for people that don’t like gadgets.
I’m just wondering why ACW called my Mom stupid. I’m gonna whisper, “He prints out every digital photo he’s ever taken!”, into Jules’ ear and point her at ACW.
Alan - Heh.
Jules - It’s true about ACW, he does print all his pics.
It’s a ploy..geared towards old people with disposable income. Plain and simple.
I like the printing mailbox, as opposed to a printer.
No, margarine is one molecule away from napalm, and as we all know, good homemade napalm is always heavy on the polystyrene, so there is some sort of (not-really) truth (at all) in there somewhere.
What did you say, Billy Mays? A digital photo of your grandson’s douchey mohawk that takes 4 fucking hours to download over analog copper?!?
Well, I can only think of one thing to call it: Presto!!
Oooh…I heard a commercial on the radio for this. The voiceover was a mature woman, but I saw right through that.
This is hilarious. If I gave it to my grandmother, it would sit, unopened, in a box on her living room floor. She’d probably use it to put magazines on.