Fortunately for me, but unfortunately for all of you Marquis de Sade wannabes, I didn’t eat the eggnog candle this weekend. I was going to eat it on Saturday to enamor myself to fellow guests of a dinner party, but I had forgotten to bring the candle along with me. Maybe I’ll eat it when I eat the soap, because if I’m going to jack up my digestive system, I may as well do it all at once.
However, I did indulge in this little treat:
The idea of this product was a little surprising to me. As I’ve recently been informed by many of you, chugging nog is clearly a bad idea. Even I know that.
But I settled down with the chugnog and a plate full of cookies and went apeshit on my arteries. The first thing that surprised me was the lid of the nog container. It was quite difficult to remove, and once it started to budge I heard tiny clicks and pops of plastic bands breaking, much like a gallon of milk. But when I finally got the lid off there were about 400 little plastic points of connection that I had needed to break to get to the chugnog. What the fuck? Why was this nog all locked down on Defcon 1 like the zombies were about roll up on their shit and eat the black guy and the promiscuous chick? I found out quickly.
The reason why is that they don’t actually want you to drink this nog. Nobody should. First of all, it’s horrible for you. I know, I know. All nog is pretty much a mix of fat and sugar with enough of some other things to keep it from just being a lump of Crisco that’s been rolled in candy. But this stuff is REALLY bad. Most nog is portioned out in 8 ounce servings. You’ll notice that the chug nog is one pint. It is portioned out in 4 servings of 4 ounces each, and it STILL has more fat, sugar, and calories in a 4 ounce serving than an 8 ounce serving of any other regular nog. Really they should just call it Bottled Beetis. “Hey kids, ever wondered what it’s like to have pancreatic shock and early-onset diabetes? Well that’s the free prize inside every chug-sized Bottled Beetis! Drink one today! Hell, drink four!”
And you’d think that the super-high concentration of fat and sugar would make it better, but no. It’s like drinking a ball of lard that’s been rolled through candy and melted in the dismal gray light of the winter sun before being chilled, bottled, and sent to stores. (Funny aside. I recently learned that 50% of chugnog is sold in stores, and the other 50% is sold in bulk to Chuck Norris. He drinks it all at once and then suckles orphan children at his noggy teats. Then he roundhouse kicks them for being poor.) As I was drinking the nog I could actually taste the laziness, mediocrity, and and underwhelming care of the people at Lehigh Valley. It’s like they didn’t go out of their way to make a barely passable nog, but instead just let a lack of trying to do anything better steer them into this holiday beverage nightmare. Do you know what I mean? Those soynog making motherfuckers go out of their way to make a painfully undrinkable joke of a nog so that in the off chance that a non-vegan buys it and drinks it the vegans will have someone to make fun of at least once that year. The chugnog people on the other hand must have been like, “Hey. Do you want to take a dump in the nog?”
“Nah. Wanna go on smoke break?”
“Okay.”
That’s all they did. They just didn’t give a damn, but didn’t try to make it horrible either. In some sort of crazy Zen-like way they managed to make the middlest of the road, runnest of the mill (run of the millest? runnest of the noggest?) type of nog. I don’t recommend drinking this nog. I recommend using this nog to slowly kill your enemies by hardening their arteries.
