Last night my older brother called me to let me know that his toddler, my niece, walked up to him, farted, and then walked away. He said he just wanted to call to tell me he got “cropdusted”. I don’t know whether it’s weirder that his daughter actually did that, or that he called me to tell me about her toddling flatulence. He probably just wanted me to blog about it, and now it would appear that I’ve fallen into his trap. One things for sure, I’ll be relating this story to whoever she dates in the future.
“Hey! Remember when you were one and a half and you totally busted ass in your dad’s face? Oh yeah, it was pretty funny. Who would have ever know that it would lead to a lifetime of uncontrollable gas-issues, eventually resulting in you burning down your house while trying to light your frequent methane bursts? Life’s funny sometimes.”
Yeah, I’m sure that’s how it’ll go.
***
I forgot to mention that when I was buying the leafblower/vac, the guy at the register tried to sell me a one year replacement warranty.
guy: Hey, this item is eligible for Lowe’s replacement warranty service. Would you like to buy a warranty for 10 dollars?
me: No thanks.
guy: Are you sure? It would be a shame if you took this home and it broke after just a few uses.
me: (Who is this guy, the mafia? “It would be a shame if something BAD were to happen to your shop if you didn’t buy our insurance.”) Really, I don’t want it, thanks.
guy: I’m just sayin’, if it breaks in one year, we’ll just replace the whole thing, no questions asked.
me: It already comes with a warranty.
guy: Yeah, but after six months, then where will you be?
me: It’s a two year warranty.
guy: Um… well… you, uh… Really?
me: Yeah, it says it right here on the box. “Two year warranty on any breakage”.
guy: Huh. Well why the hell did they tell me to push the warranty on this thing?
me: Probably for stupid people.
guy: Yeah. Hey, sorry about that. Have a nice night.
me: Thanks, you too.
***
Mrs. ACW and I just got a hand-me-down TV and TV armoire thingy from my uncle, and even though it’s set up, we have no effing idea how to use the remote. It’s got about a badillion buttons on it, and some of the buttons say things like “SEA CAR” and “FRE TIP” and “ASS BUT”, and I have no idea WHAT the hell those things mean. But the worst part is that the remote isn’t the same remote that’s described in the manual for the TV, so when I’m trying to auto-program all the cable channels, the manual says to press the “INPUT CHN” button, but on the remote I have that button doesn’t exist! It’s like trying to play ping-pong with a pumpkin. In fact, I pushed every goddamned button on that remote and couldn’t get the stupid screen to do what it was supposed to do. So what’s this all mean? It means I can’t use the up and down channel buttons. I have to manually press in the number that I want. Channel surfing is impossible! It’s so fucking irritating to not be able to even go up or down a shingle channel. I feel like I’m living in the pre-historic ages! Stupid TV, I just want to PUNCH ITS STUPID FACE. I hate you! You never let me hang out with my friends! You’re the worst parents ever!
Ahem.
Anyway, I figure I’ve got to find a manual for the remote online, or contact JVC, or buy a new remote that actually has buttons that correspond with the remote in the TV manual. Either that or I put a fucking axe through the front of the TV and mail the remote to the future where the robots have taken over and they can destroy it for being an inferior piece of technology. Unless… they find its quaint buttons charming and decide to make it the leader of the future and then send a robot assassin back in time to make sure I’d never be born. ! .
My life is worse than that of an homeless person’s.
Once, at Best Buy, a cashier relentlessly tried to sell me a $40 extended warranty on a $35 item. I just plugged my ears and got the hell out of there for fear that his logic would undo all of existence.
These are three delightful random nuggets! Having been the parent of a toddler, I can tell you that we call everyone to report everything that our dear offspring does. It’s an illness.
Poor beleaguered salesperson. I picture his manager thumping him over the head regularly with the employee manuals.
It’s like trying to play ping-pong with a pumpkin
Another bon mot. Bravo! Encore! Etc. Etc.
Oh man, I just totally saw a website for you in those gmail ads …
http://www.stinkypets.com
They have a recipe you can BUY to get out urine smells! If only the previous occupiers of your house had known …
Meanwhile, you know what my brother called to tell me yesterday? That he got laid on Saturday night. Now *that* is weird.
roflmao…etc. blah, blah. You know you rock.
That is really funny about your neice. Even funnier is I never heard that act referred to as “cropdusted” before. I am in tears.
We all know store warranties are a rip off. I feel bad for the kid.
Concerning your remote problem–and I have no idea how many devices you have that use remotes–why not look into replacing the crappy remote with a good universal remote. The Logitech Harmony remotes are pretty nice, and they can be learn the device or have the configuration for the device downloaded into it (since it connects to a computer via USB).
And the warranty pushiness does get pretty annoying.
I have a remote that I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to figure out. I REFUSE to go buy another -
The remote WILL comply with my request…
Eventually.
Re: story 1 - One of our chihuahuas gave my wife a Dutch Oven the other night.
Re:story 3 - ACW, meet perspective. Perspective, meet ACW. ;-)
My niece farted in my face during Thanksgiving dinner last week. Filthy bitch is 23 years old.
***
You should’ve bought the warranty and smashed the damn thing over the guy’s head. Then you should’ve demanded your free replacement.
***
I think ASS BUT is Korean for INPUT CHN. (Most of your orientals use their asses as inputs, if you know what I’m saying.)
ACW, I’m with MD re: the remote and Input Chn business.
I saw that same add for StinkyPets just yesterday, and found the idea of paying for a recipe when you can just go to the store and buy enzyme cleaner quite amusing.
You know, ACW, I’ve learned more interesting and educational terms for farts from you than anyone else I’ve ever met.
Heh, fell right into my trap he did. I wanted him to blog about his TV not working today… No really I’m thinking about starting my own blog, but I’m not sure if I’m as interesting as ACW is, so I call him to see if he’ll blog about the stuff I tell him.
P.S. I have a can of nog at my house for you. Or anyone else for that matter. I won’t be drinking the shit.
Oh no… not the dreaded cannog!
Maybe this is the kind of stuff I should be writing.
My sister works nights. The next day I cropdust her when she is too weak to escape.