Last night my older brother called me to let me know that his toddler, my niece, walked up to him, farted, and then walked away. He said he just wanted to call to tell me he got “cropdusted”. I don’t know whether it’s weirder that his daughter actually did that, or that he called me to tell me about her toddling flatulence. He probably just wanted me to blog about it, and now it would appear that I’ve fallen into his trap. One things for sure, I’ll be relating this story to whoever she dates in the future.
“Hey! Remember when you were one and a half and you totally busted ass in your dad’s face? Oh yeah, it was pretty funny. Who would have ever know that it would lead to a lifetime of uncontrollable gas-issues, eventually resulting in you burning down your house while trying to light your frequent methane bursts? Life’s funny sometimes.”
Yeah, I’m sure that’s how it’ll go.
***
I forgot to mention that when I was buying the leafblower/vac, the guy at the register tried to sell me a one year replacement warranty.
guy: Hey, this item is eligible for Lowe’s replacement warranty service. Would you like to buy a warranty for 10 dollars?
me: No thanks.
guy: Are you sure? It would be a shame if you took this home and it broke after just a few uses.
me: (Who is this guy, the mafia? “It would be a shame if something BAD were to happen to your shop if you didn’t buy our insurance.”) Really, I don’t want it, thanks.
guy: I’m just sayin’, if it breaks in one year, we’ll just replace the whole thing, no questions asked.
me: It already comes with a warranty.
guy: Yeah, but after six months, then where will you be?
me: It’s a two year warranty.
guy: Um… well… you, uh… Really?
me: Yeah, it says it right here on the box. “Two year warranty on any breakage”.
guy: Huh. Well why the hell did they tell me to push the warranty on this thing?
me: Probably for stupid people.
guy: Yeah. Hey, sorry about that. Have a nice night.
me: Thanks, you too.
***
Mrs. ACW and I just got a hand-me-down TV and TV armoire thingy from my uncle, and even though it’s set up, we have no effing idea how to use the remote. It’s got about a badillion buttons on it, and some of the buttons say things like “SEA CAR” and “FRE TIP” and “ASS BUT”, and I have no idea WHAT the hell those things mean. But the worst part is that the remote isn’t the same remote that’s described in the manual for the TV, so when I’m trying to auto-program all the cable channels, the manual says to press the “INPUT CHN” button, but on the remote I have that button doesn’t exist! It’s like trying to play ping-pong with a pumpkin. In fact, I pushed every goddamned button on that remote and couldn’t get the stupid screen to do what it was supposed to do. So what’s this all mean? It means I can’t use the up and down channel buttons. I have to manually press in the number that I want. Channel surfing is impossible! It’s so fucking irritating to not be able to even go up or down a shingle channel. I feel like I’m living in the pre-historic ages! Stupid TV, I just want to PUNCH ITS STUPID FACE. I hate you! You never let me hang out with my friends! You’re the worst parents ever!
Ahem.
Anyway, I figure I’ve got to find a manual for the remote online, or contact JVC, or buy a new remote that actually has buttons that correspond with the remote in the TV manual. Either that or I put a fucking axe through the front of the TV and mail the remote to the future where the robots have taken over and they can destroy it for being an inferior piece of technology. Unless… they find its quaint buttons charming and decide to make it the leader of the future and then send a robot assassin back in time to make sure I’d never be born. ! .
My life is worse than that of an homeless person’s.
