Archive for November, 2006

Coffee Nog

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on November 14, 2006 @ 9:51 am
in Mrs. ACW, food and nog
. 30 Comments

coffeemate eggnog

This was actually my first nog purchase of the season. Mrs. ACW and I were idly traipsing around the store (actually, to be honest, we weren’t idly traipsing at all. Mrs. ACW has this set method of shopping, and it includes getting produce first, non-perishable items second, frozen food third, dairy fourth, and meats last. It’s just the opposite of idle, it’s OCD) when we came across the holiday food display set up on the endcap of the dairy aisle. I was trying to find Pumpkin Spice flavoring for Mrs. ACW (she really loves that stuff. Once, I saw her measure it out in 4 thin lines before snorting each one. For the next two days it was like kissing someone who had just eaten some pumpkin pie. She’s got a problem. Not like me and my nog though, we’re fine. I mean, I’m fine.) and by some chance, they not only had two kinds of pumpkin spice flavoring, but they also had eggnog flavoring!

I figured the eggnog flavoring would hold me over until the harder stuff real eggnog hit store shelves. I don’t really drink coffee though, so I was at an impasse.

We bought our crap (and shoplifted some candybars from the checkout aisle, because I have serious, serious problems) and when we got home I started brewing Mrs. ACW a pot of coffee. Once the coffee was ready I added two tablespoons of eggnog flavoring (per the directions) and gave the coffee to my lovely wife.

I think Mrs. ACW best summed up her thoughts in the first word of her critique. “Blech, this tastes awful!” I sipped the coffee, and it was like drinking warm, bitter, old eggnog that had been made in a toilet tank and strained through a canvas sack of old jock straps. I figured something must have been wrong with the flavoring, so I poured a little into a shot glass and took a sip. It tasted fine (kind of like soapy bathwater with eggnog in it, but that’s what all Coffemate tastes like), so I poured myself about half a shot of it and went for a larger taste. Still fine. Still soapy bathwater.

On our next trip to the store I bought a box of instant hot chocolate mix, and once I had a cup of that pulled together I poured in some of the eggnog flavoring. Now THAT tasted good. It was like the eggnog latte from Starbucks, except I didn’t feel so effete. (Seriously, the few times I am actually holding a take-out cup from a coffee shop, I just want to punch myself in the face. How do you people walk around with those things and feel normal? Look, we’re friends, right? Right. You look like a douche with that stupid cup. There. I said it.) Anyway, Mrs. ACW went on to bastardize what was a perfectly fine eggnog substitute by adding marshmallow fluff to all of her eggnog hot chocolates since then, making them some sort of nogchocomallow (marshnoglate? chocmalnog?) drink that was perfect for children striving for early onset diabetes. It’s like a punch in the pancreas.

So, in conclusion, I wouldn’t recommend eggnog flavoring for coffee, but it is good with hot chocolate. However, this all begs the question: if you’re going to pour eggnog flavoring into your drink, why be a sissy about it? Just add real eggnog instead. The thing to remember this holiday season is that eggnog can be legitimately used as a substitute for milk. And not just in recipes, but in cereal too.

Noglets

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on November 13, 2006 @ 8:50 am
in Mrs. ACW, food, meta blogging, nog and uncategorized
. 26 Comments

This weekend ACWF did many exciting things. First we did some homework on Friday. That was fun. Then on Saturday we did more homework, and we also did some housework before doing more homework. It was all so overwhelming that I had to take a nap. Then I woke up and did more homework. On Sunday we did homework.

Someone please kill me.

Despite all the happy happy joy joy fun times we were having, we somehow managed to sneak in EVEN MORE FUN by way of a trip to the grocery store. This would have been the gleaming cap to our underwhelming monument of boredom and mediocrity had the stores not been stocking some MOTHERFUCKING EGGNOG, BITCHES!

Hell yeah. Check this shit out, I loaded up!

four nogs

So I think at some point this week I’ll be tasting some nog and nog related items and giving you a critical rundown of each item. Plus, I think I have some nog soap coming my way, so I’ll let you know what that’s like too. Once again, if you have any nog related goodness in your neck of the woods, I’d be much obliged if you would send me a comment or an email about it so I can seek it out and try it. My goal this Christmas is to start a knife fight with a hobo, have him cut me, and have consumed so much nog that I bleed IT instead of blood, thereby becoming immortal. So any way that you can help out with that would be great.

In other news, I decided to collect some data about my blog. Please indicate whether you Strongly Disagree, Disagree, Agree, or Stongly Agree with the below statements:

1) Anonymouscoworker uses too many curse words

Strongly agree—Agree—Disagree—Strongly Disagree

2) Anonymouscoworker is blasphemous to my religion

Strongly agree—Agree—Disagree—Strongly Disagree

3) Anonymouscoworker should blog about his cats more

Strongly agree—Agree—Disagree—Strongly Disagree

4) It creeps me out when Anonymouscoworker blogs about necrophilia

Strongly agree—Agree—Disagree—Strongly Disagree

DC: You’re on notice.

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on November 9, 2006 @ 10:09 am
in bitches
. 17 Comments

Well, apparently this is now a group blog, because my older brother (AKA Desk Job) asked that I post his beef about the DC metro. It’s really not so much a “beef” as a humongous pile of cow meat weighing hundreds of tons and stinking like your best friend’s rec room did when you were a little kid. I’ve interjected some thoughts in brackets.

Years ago I vowed never to drive into D.C.

It all started with the Red Light Cameras. I was never pleased with them. They really only seemed like a way for the money grubbing politicians to get more dough. They certainly don’t appear to have kept people from running red lights. [in fact, poor people have been using them as a cheap way to get Glamor Shots. They just speed through an abandonded intersection when the light is red, put on their fancy hat an make-up, and let the camera flash away. You might get 6 or 7 pictures, but only one ticket. It's a steal!]

After that I decided only to drive in if I really needed to. Then the speed cameras popped up. Those just make me mad. Not only does it not stop speeding, it takes a COP off the beat to sleep in his car ALL DAY LONG. [And eat donuts. Don't forget the donuts. Some cops have become so adept at donut eating that they can actually polish off a baker's dozen of bear claws without even triggering a sleep-apnea induced breathing fit.] I’m almost positive that the police have to report the locations of those cameras to the public. It seems that the best way they’ve come up with is a ridiculous rap ["My name is Sergeant Wojohowicz and I'm hear to say/ speeding cameras will be set up at the intersection of V street and Florida Avenue... uh... in a real bad way.] that rattles off the locations in an almost inaudible form. I guess just reading the street names was too hard. That’s it, no driving in D.C.

So no driving in D.C. leaves me with only one choice. The METRO. It’s convenient and quick. And this is where the real story begins. [Shit, I hope the story's, like, got some dragons, or some ninjas, or some pirates, or some dragon-riding ninja pirates. Oh shit that would be so sweet!]

I was scheduled to go to a conference in D.C. [Ninja-pirate conference? No? Damn.] I had to be there at 7:30. I figured parking would be expensive, plus I had sworn off ever driving into D.C. again. I checked the website for metro, parking was $7.50 or $3.50 if I paid with the “smart card”, [Heh. "Stupid card" I like to call it.] I figured I’d save the $5 card fee and skip the smart card. So here’s the tally so far:

Total Trip Cost with cash: $5.60
Smart Card Cost: $5.00

Parking Cost Cash: $7.50
Parking Cost Card: $3.50

Total Cash: $13.10
Total Card: $14.10
[This "math" you speak of, it's confusing to me.]

I’ll probably never use the smart card again, so why would I want one to begin with? [To mac on all the fly honies?] I purchase my fare card and get to my conference and back. I head to the parking lot and notice a hand-written sign on the way out of the metro station, “You must pay for parking with a smart trip card”. [Make me, bitches!] Oh fuck. The sign was NOT there this morning. I walk out to my car anyway.

As I pull up to the toll booth a metro employee points to the smart trip pad. ["This where magic card make money go."] I offer her the cash for the metro fee, “No, you have to pay with smart trip.” [Then she went back to her cave paintings.] Shit, so why does it say “Please have exact change” on the side of the fucking booth? [It's a bad joke?]

I turn around and park, walk back to the station, and begin to receive my ass-rape. Turns out that since I didn’t have a smart card, I had to pay $5.00 for that, and since I didn’t have the metro trip on the smart card I had to pay $7.50 for parking instead of $3.50. Fuck!

I have a couple questions:

Why was there no “You must pay with Smart Trip” at the entrance to the parking lot? [Laziness?]
Why was the sign in the METRO hand written and nearly illegible? [Minimum wage?]
Why is the notice on the website a small side note and not blinking fucking red? [Apathy?]
Why aren’t there giant signs every where that say “You must pay with Smart Trip”? [Offensive?]
Why does D.C. hate the occasional commuter? [Previously jilted in one-time passionate relationship?]

So in the end I wind up paying 18.10 for my ass rape. [A deal at twice the price!] The moral you ask? [Nope.] The moral is that D.C. and the METRO and the most corrupt fucking fuck hats that ever walked the fucking earth motherfucker [A finer string of expletives has never been written]. I hate D.C. I hereby boycott D.C. [Take THAT free museums!] I will only go to D.C. if I absolutely positively have to. Go to hell D.C. [Oh, SNAP!]

Liar’s Day(s)

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on November 8, 2006 @ 9:03 am
in beer
. 9 Comments

I think the day before the election and the day after the election should be official holidays called Liar’s Day, 1 and 2, respectively.

Everyone could stay home from work on Liar’s Day 1 and listen to the outlandish campaign ads while sipping seasonal holiday beverages loaded with booze, like Apple Cider and Spiced Rum, or Irish Coffee and Robitussin, or maybe just an umbrella stand filled with rubbing alcohol. The alcohol would make claims like the following much easier to believe, “My opponent actually punches his grandmother right in her no-no bits every time he comes home from a drug-fueled binge of hooker-slayings, and that’s quite frequently! He also wants to give immigrants the right to move into your house, kick you out, take your name, keep all your stuff, have sex with your spouse or significant other, and force you to do all the yard work. He actually voted for that! Can you believe it? Vote for me on Tuesday!” Plus, I mean, how hilarious would that be after the 10th drink and the hundredth time you saw it? Pretty effing hilarious, that’s how hilarious.

Then we could all stumble into the voting booths the next day, because that would be a full holiday too, reeking of cheap booze and trying to get the horrible dream about Kathleen Harris out of our heads. Let’s face it, Kathleen Harris is yecch. She’s like your little sister’s best friend’s mom who tries to be cool for her pre-teen daughter, and she really just looks kind of desperate, and the only suggestive thoughts she conjures in your mind are about how much plastic a human can have injected into their body before they become recyclable. Anyway, you’re in the voting booth, wondering if it’s appropriate to double its efficiency by using it as a toilet as well, and hopefully you cast your vote for somebody. Then you stumble home, drink some more, eat some fried chicken and make a drinking game out of the exit poll results. “Dude, dudes. Every time Wolf Blitzer says ‘precinct’ you have to take a drink, and every time Lou Dobbs punches an intern, you have to take a shot.” So many people would die of alcohol poisoning, but really that’s Lou Dobbs’ fault for being the face-punchingest jerk on CNN, followed by Soledad O’Brien.

Then, on the third day of this new holiday, Liar’s Day 2 would be commemorated by all the bullshit that the winning candidates promised during the campaign and then back away from on the pulpit when they give their acceptance speech. This drinking game would have to be continued throughout their term as they break each and every one of their campaign promises. So in the end we’ll all be drunk out of our gourds and we won’t realize that the entire “democratic” process is a joke anyway, and Republicans and Democrats are just two different wings of the same filthy buzzard. But at least we’ll start having some fun with it.

It’s all over with for this year, but we’ve got a whole crop of fresh meat in the legislature, so let’s see if we can’t make this three day holiday happen, hmm?

I’ve got a fever, and sadly the prescription isn’t “more cowbell”.

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on November 7, 2006 @ 12:47 pm
in bitches and potty humor
. 12 Comments

I just back back from the doctor, and he told me I had the Upper Respiratory Infection Blues.

Maybe he left off the “blues” part. I don’t know.

Anyway, as I was sitting in the waiting room and filling out the forms, I came across a form that is so utterly worthless that I can’t imagine they do anything with it other than just throw it away once a patient has filled it out. It basically works like this:

Have you had any of the following symptoms since your last visit:

headache
tiredness
diarrhea
heartburn
dizziness
explosive flaming diarrhea
anxiety
nausea
liquid chunk-laden diarrhea
death
dry feminine itch
sock-staining diarrhea

That’s it. That’s practically the whole form except for questions about changes in insurance coverage.

What possible purpose could this form serve? I last went to the doctor in March. OF COURSE I’ve had headaches since then. OF COURSE I’ve had nausea since then. OF COURSE I’ve had all four kinds of diarrhea listed on the form (plus two others not listed) since then.

Maybe if one of those toothless blue-hairs that visits the doctor EVERY DAY for the attention that her children refuse to bestow upon, maybe then would this form make sense. Whatever paint-eating, finger-sucking, non-voter (like how I threw that in there? Go vote you retards.) came up with this form has clearly never taken a course in basic questionnaire creation, much less ever seen another questionnaire in their life.

How hard would it be to create three separate sections based on time and ask the questions that way?

In the last 24 hours have you:
died
had surgery
had explosive diarrhea

In the last month have you:
had chronic pain on your weiner or hoo-ha
eaten 200 hot-dogs for fun/to feel better about yourself
talked your spouse into donkey-punching

In the last year have you:
condemned homosexuality while boning another dude on a meth fueled binge on the side
asked a sixteen year old to measure his penis for you over AIM
had a headache

Splitting up the form like this, or into more chronological sections, allows for a clearer and deeper understanding of what exactly is wrong with the patient. The other form is nothing more than idiotic and pointless busy work.

In other news, what the hell am I talking about? I swear, I’m not on any drugs, and yet the post above makes me look like I’ve been taking hits from a bong made out of a taxidermied elephant’s head. Simply stunning.

Irony is…

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on November 6, 2006 @ 3:59 pm
in work
. 7 Comments

Walking into your boss’s office to ask for the following day off, and being told that you instead had to put in a 13 hour day.

Woo.

What overtime?

It was HILARIOUS

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on November 6, 2006 @ 8:32 am
in devil cat and meta blogging
. 3 Comments

Last night I woke up with my cat Sherlock pinning my legs down while I was sleeping. He was also fast asleep. I thought of something funny, and made a mental note to blog about it when I woke up because it was so damn funny. I think it was that his head was near my butt, and that if I farted it would probably wake him up.

Ha ha ha.

By now you’ve realized that the title to this post is a lie.

Help!

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on November 2, 2006 @ 1:01 pm
in meta blogging and work
. 18 Comments

I need someone to turn off the internet so I won’t be distracted from my homework or my job anymore.

Smooches,

ACW

The Aftermath

Published
by
Anonymous Coworker
on November 1, 2006 @ 9:26 am
in bitches and food
. 20 Comments

1) I was over at Mokie’s house for Halloween because last year we had a grand total of about 15 kids show up at our house. Word on the street at Mokie’s was that children are bused in from all areas of the nation, as well as flown in from outside nations, in order to do some candy grubbing in Mokie’s neighborhood. Accordingly, Mokie prepared himself with 3 types of candy. Candy type one was shitty Tootsie rolls and blow pops. Candy type two was Starburst and Skittles. Candy type three was whole candy bars. Candy type three was reserved for the cutest and polite kids. I also prepared a huge “vunderbaag” full of all three candy groups and gave it to a cute little Spiderman who said Trick or Treat, please, and thank you. His father shook my hand, probably because he knew he could now go home.

I’m digressing. A little girl came to the door with her mother dressed like a princess so I got down the candy bars. The mother exclaimed, “Wow! You must be new to this neighborhood if you think a few candy bars will last you all night.” To which I replied, “Oh, we’ve got bowls full of crappy candy for the other kids. We only give out candy bars to the cute ones.” The mother smiled and took the hand of her daughter to depart when Mokie leaned into the foyer and yelled, “Yeah, only for the cute, young ones,” in a tone lecherous enough to slightly widen the eyes of the mother before she tucked her daughter under her arm and bolted. Way to go Mokie. Now you live in the pedophile house.

2) My cousin brought over her son and daughter, and her son, Justin, was chewing on a giant Tootsie Roll when he said, “Ow! There’s something hard in this Tootsie Roll!” Imagining the horror stories of razor blades and needles I ran over to him as he was pulling the gooey mass of chocolate-esque candy out of his mouth; I could see clearly that there was a foreign object lodged in the globule of saliva and fudgieness, and my fears were relieved when my cousin exclaimed, “Hey, that’s my tooth!” So for all you parents of children in the tooth-losing age-group, apparently Tootsie Rolls are a painless and expedient tooth-pulling solution.

3) Douchebag of the evening title would have gone to all the fat little piggies who greedily grabbed handfuls of candy as opposed to politely taking one or two candies had Carla McCadden, Financial Center Manager 1, at Branch Banking and Trust Co., not handed out mortgage information to children. Seriously? You thought this was a good idea Carla? Giving out your information to little kids who were more than happy to give it to their cousin who blogs? Carla, Carla, Carla. I could be the type of psychotic bastard who shows up at your office at 919 Frederick Road, Catonsville, MD 21228 and stares at you all day long. Or I could be the type of weirdo who calls you at 410 719 7502 just to hear you breathe. Or the type of jerk who faxes you timeshare information to 410 788 7259.

Worst of all, your email could be spammed by placing it on the Internet, like this: cmccadden@bbandt.com

Maybe next time you’ll think, “Wow, it would be really unreasonable for me to sully up a perfectly good holiday by distributing my business cards to children. I guess I’ll cancel that order of wrapping paper made out of my business cards. I never realized what I soulless corporate douchebag I was up until this very moment.”

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