Here we are, the day before Thanksgiving, and I don’t feel quite right. I should be basking in wave of warmth and nostalgia so saccharine that Norman Rockwell could get aroused and paint charming small-town vignette with his dong. But I don’t feel like that. No sir. I feel like a whore. I feel like a painted-up, wrinkly, coked-out, pees-in-alleys, haven’t-bathed-in-days, liver-spotted, crying-because-these-guys-are-my-regular-johns whore. I guess you could say I feel like Thomas Kinkade, a whore’s whore. The whoreingest whore that ever whored a whorehouse in the history of whoredom.
I’ve asked you over, and over, and over again to support my nogdicition, throwing this link up in your faces willy-nilly.
And finally I asked you to shell out dough to make me eat some soap. Which you did. In four hours. You sick fucks.
Well after today, I’m not whoring myself anymore. The Amazon link will stay there, but I won’t dry-hump it into oblivion any longer. I already have to eat some soap, and eat some candle, and four boxes of cake mix, all on top of my regular nog-blogging (noggling? blognoging? shpedoinkle?) which, if you hadn’t noticed, has been sufficiently lacking. I called the coffee nog-additive “soapy bathwater”. Where’s the poetry in that? Where’s the delightful blending of verbs, adjectives and nouns with the word “nog”? I have failed you, and for that I apolnoglize.
Wait! Right there! Did you see that? “Apolnoglize”! I think it’s coming back.
Nogliscious! Nogtastic! Nogliscious! Wait, no, shit I already did that one. Damn.
You know what else the problem is? All the freaking nog tastes the same this year! Last year I had some pretty horrible products to sample, some of which were so terrible that I threw them out even after adding alcohol to them. That’s right, I threw out alcohol. Those drinks were so nogferior (!) that I didn’t even think the alcohol in them was worth saving, and I’m the type of guy who says, “Well, if I can just drink around the cigarette butts and ignore the backwash, I think I can get the last half of the Schlitz out of this can.” Those sub-par nogs were so much fun to blog about because of their awfulness. I long for something that terrible this year, but no, I just get mediocre, middle of the road, decent-tasting nogs. I don’t know how to critique a nog if it’s not terrible. I only know how to tear nog down, not how to place it on a pedestal and revere it like the sumptuous and sultry drink that it deserves to be. I think I’m going to have to be creative and get to mixing my nogs with other things (not a euphemism) to see what stands out (that’s a euphemism (?)), like beer, or scotch, or Kool-Aid.
Maybe I’ll see if I can get my cats addicted to the nog. Maybe I’ll fill the bathtub with nog and bathe in it. Maybe I’ll design a nog enema to see if nog’s as delightful when entering other orifices. Regardless, I owe some people some nog-posts, and I intend to deliver. I’d better get to writing before I blow my nog on this lame-ass excuse for a post.
Happy turkey day, people.
See? The Making-of-the-Nog posts would completely make up for commercial nog blandness. :)
Happy Thanksgiving, ACW. I’m thankful I have you to read.
i got some jim beam eggnog yesterday. pretty middle o’ the road.
have a good turkey, lurv, your tryptophan fan $
You’ve still got it. “Nogferior” was inspired. It “stands out”. Yes, indeed. Ahem.
i think the nog bath sounds entertaining.
Why do we still have to put the word “egg” in front of “Nog”? Are there any other types of nog that we could possibly confuse it with? It makes me nervous to think I’ve suffered through countless Holiday gatherings and never encountered these other flavors.
Just once I want to walk into a Christmas party and be offered a nice thick glass of Pinto-Nog, Beef-Nog or Cod-Nog.
nog-douche? though, you’d have to clear it with the missus… or just get her good and liquored up.
All this nog-alizing of wrods makes me want to punch you in the noggin.
Oh, fuck. Now I have to kill myself.
Don’t you see ACW, obviously all the big cheese’s of Nog Co. Ltd have been reading your nog-blog, and have come to the realisation that The People (you, me, them… well not really me, I’m not such a fan of the Nog) don’t want nog-ferior nog, they want nog-PERIOR (?) nog. You should be hailing yourself as a Hero of Nogdomia! Hence forth you shall be known as “Nogtradamus”.
AND, I can’t *believe* you can buy egg nog tarts online at Amazon!!
That post was nog-tastic! You are truly obsessed, since you start hitting the nog in October.
here’s something i thought you’d enjoy. :)
http://www.cafepress.com/buy/i+heart/-/pv_design_detail...
Whoa, ACW, I think you’re getting a bit ahead ofyourself here. I know the Nog is all over the store shelves, but Nog is traditionally a Christmas (read XMas) drink. You probably still have some non-quality Nog queueing up on the shelves right now. In fact with all the good Nog being bought out on Black Friday you’ll probably be looking at the nog-ferior products sometime saturday or sunday.
I was afraid this would happen. You made the mistake of burning yourself out on too much of a good thing. Where you once appreciated the nuances of each nog, reveling in the good, the bad and the different, now you’ve gone and ruined nog for you permanently.
Be careful–this kind of thing can happen with sex, too. Don’t let yourself accidently overdose on it, or you’ll stop enjoying it entirely.
Can you tell me when you’re done nog-blogging? I’m getting nogseaus.
I’m thinking 12-9-06 might be a perfect night for a candle tasting.
TFG- HA! You’re on.
Oh, don’t give up hope on finding a shittastic nog flavor–your soap ships this week, soon as it’s fit to leave the rack (the nogginess makes the cure a little longer than I expected).
Does it help that it’s just the right shade of brown? I hope so, because that was circumstances beyond my control.
I fucking love nog.