Well, apparently this is now a group blog, because my older brother (AKA Desk Job) asked that I post his beef about the DC metro. It’s really not so much a “beef” as a humongous pile of cow meat weighing hundreds of tons and stinking like your best friend’s rec room did when you were a little kid. I’ve interjected some thoughts in brackets.
Years ago I vowed never to drive into D.C.
It all started with the Red Light Cameras. I was never pleased with them. They really only seemed like a way for the money grubbing politicians to get more dough. They certainly don’t appear to have kept people from running red lights. [in fact, poor people have been using them as a cheap way to get Glamor Shots. They just speed through an abandonded intersection when the light is red, put on their fancy hat an make-up, and let the camera flash away. You might get 6 or 7 pictures, but only one ticket. It's a steal!]
After that I decided only to drive in if I really needed to. Then the speed cameras popped up. Those just make me mad. Not only does it not stop speeding, it takes a COP off the beat to sleep in his car ALL DAY LONG. [And eat donuts. Don't forget the donuts. Some cops have become so adept at donut eating that they can actually polish off a baker's dozen of bear claws without even triggering a sleep-apnea induced breathing fit.] I’m almost positive that the police have to report the locations of those cameras to the public. It seems that the best way they’ve come up with is a ridiculous rap ["My name is Sergeant Wojohowicz and I'm hear to say/ speeding cameras will be set up at the intersection of V street and Florida Avenue... uh... in a real bad way.] that rattles off the locations in an almost inaudible form. I guess just reading the street names was too hard. That’s it, no driving in D.C.
So no driving in D.C. leaves me with only one choice. The METRO. It’s convenient and quick. And this is where the real story begins. [Shit, I hope the story's, like, got some dragons, or some ninjas, or some pirates, or some dragon-riding ninja pirates. Oh shit that would be so sweet!]
I was scheduled to go to a conference in D.C. [Ninja-pirate conference? No? Damn.] I had to be there at 7:30. I figured parking would be expensive, plus I had sworn off ever driving into D.C. again. I checked the website for metro, parking was $7.50 or $3.50 if I paid with the “smart card”, [Heh. "Stupid card" I like to call it.] I figured I’d save the $5 card fee and skip the smart card. So here’s the tally so far:
Total Trip Cost with cash: $5.60
Smart Card Cost: $5.00
Parking Cost Cash: $7.50
Parking Cost Card: $3.50
Total Cash: $13.10
Total Card: $14.10
[This "math" you speak of, it's confusing to me.]
I’ll probably never use the smart card again, so why would I want one to begin with? [To mac on all the fly honies?] I purchase my fare card and get to my conference and back. I head to the parking lot and notice a hand-written sign on the way out of the metro station, “You must pay for parking with a smart trip card”. [Make me, bitches!] Oh fuck. The sign was NOT there this morning. I walk out to my car anyway.
As I pull up to the toll booth a metro employee points to the smart trip pad. ["This where magic card make money go."] I offer her the cash for the metro fee, “No, you have to pay with smart trip.” [Then she went back to her cave paintings.] Shit, so why does it say “Please have exact change” on the side of the fucking booth? [It's a bad joke?]
I turn around and park, walk back to the station, and begin to receive my ass-rape. Turns out that since I didn’t have a smart card, I had to pay $5.00 for that, and since I didn’t have the metro trip on the smart card I had to pay $7.50 for parking instead of $3.50. Fuck!
I have a couple questions:
Why was there no “You must pay with Smart Trip” at the entrance to the parking lot? [Laziness?]
Why was the sign in the METRO hand written and nearly illegible? [Minimum wage?]
Why is the notice on the website a small side note and not blinking fucking red? [Apathy?]
Why aren’t there giant signs every where that say “You must pay with Smart Trip”? [Offensive?]
Why does D.C. hate the occasional commuter? [Previously jilted in one-time passionate relationship?]
So in the end I wind up paying 18.10 for my ass rape. [A deal at twice the price!] The moral you ask? [Nope.] The moral is that D.C. and the METRO and the most corrupt fucking fuck hats that ever walked the fucking earth motherfucker [A finer string of expletives has never been written]. I hate D.C. I hereby boycott D.C. [Take THAT free museums!] I will only go to D.C. if I absolutely positively have to. Go to hell D.C. [Oh, SNAP!]
