I think the day before the election and the day after the election should be official holidays called Liar’s Day, 1 and 2, respectively.
Everyone could stay home from work on Liar’s Day 1 and listen to the outlandish campaign ads while sipping seasonal holiday beverages loaded with booze, like Apple Cider and Spiced Rum, or Irish Coffee and Robitussin, or maybe just an umbrella stand filled with rubbing alcohol. The alcohol would make claims like the following much easier to believe, “My opponent actually punches his grandmother right in her no-no bits every time he comes home from a drug-fueled binge of hooker-slayings, and that’s quite frequently! He also wants to give immigrants the right to move into your house, kick you out, take your name, keep all your stuff, have sex with your spouse or significant other, and force you to do all the yard work. He actually voted for that! Can you believe it? Vote for me on Tuesday!” Plus, I mean, how hilarious would that be after the 10th drink and the hundredth time you saw it? Pretty effing hilarious, that’s how hilarious.
Then we could all stumble into the voting booths the next day, because that would be a full holiday too, reeking of cheap booze and trying to get the horrible dream about Kathleen Harris out of our heads. Let’s face it, Kathleen Harris is yecch. She’s like your little sister’s best friend’s mom who tries to be cool for her pre-teen daughter, and she really just looks kind of desperate, and the only suggestive thoughts she conjures in your mind are about how much plastic a human can have injected into their body before they become recyclable. Anyway, you’re in the voting booth, wondering if it’s appropriate to double its efficiency by using it as a toilet as well, and hopefully you cast your vote for somebody. Then you stumble home, drink some more, eat some fried chicken and make a drinking game out of the exit poll results. “Dude, dudes. Every time Wolf Blitzer says ‘precinct’ you have to take a drink, and every time Lou Dobbs punches an intern, you have to take a shot.” So many people would die of alcohol poisoning, but really that’s Lou Dobbs’ fault for being the face-punchingest jerk on CNN, followed by Soledad O’Brien.
Then, on the third day of this new holiday, Liar’s Day 2 would be commemorated by all the bullshit that the winning candidates promised during the campaign and then back away from on the pulpit when they give their acceptance speech. This drinking game would have to be continued throughout their term as they break each and every one of their campaign promises. So in the end we’ll all be drunk out of our gourds and we won’t realize that the entire “democratic” process is a joke anyway, and Republicans and Democrats are just two different wings of the same filthy buzzard. But at least we’ll start having some fun with it.
It’s all over with for this year, but we’ve got a whole crop of fresh meat in the legislature, so let’s see if we can’t make this three day holiday happen, hmm?
