I just back back from the doctor, and he told me I had the Upper Respiratory Infection Blues.
Maybe he left off the “blues” part. I don’t know.
Anyway, as I was sitting in the waiting room and filling out the forms, I came across a form that is so utterly worthless that I can’t imagine they do anything with it other than just throw it away once a patient has filled it out. It basically works like this:
Have you had any of the following symptoms since your last visit:
headache
tiredness
diarrhea
heartburn
dizziness
explosive flaming diarrhea
anxiety
nausea
liquid chunk-laden diarrhea
death
dry feminine itch
sock-staining diarrhea
That’s it. That’s practically the whole form except for questions about changes in insurance coverage.
What possible purpose could this form serve? I last went to the doctor in March. OF COURSE I’ve had headaches since then. OF COURSE I’ve had nausea since then. OF COURSE I’ve had all four kinds of diarrhea listed on the form (plus two others not listed) since then.
Maybe if one of those toothless blue-hairs that visits the doctor EVERY DAY for the attention that her children refuse to bestow upon, maybe then would this form make sense. Whatever paint-eating, finger-sucking, non-voter (like how I threw that in there? Go vote you retards.) came up with this form has clearly never taken a course in basic questionnaire creation, much less ever seen another questionnaire in their life.
How hard would it be to create three separate sections based on time and ask the questions that way?
In the last 24 hours have you:
died
had surgery
had explosive diarrhea
In the last month have you:
had chronic pain on your weiner or hoo-ha
eaten 200 hot-dogs for fun/to feel better about yourself
talked your spouse into donkey-punching
In the last year have you:
condemned homosexuality while boning another dude on a meth fueled binge on the side
asked a sixteen year old to measure his penis for you over AIM
had a headache
Splitting up the form like this, or into more chronological sections, allows for a clearer and deeper understanding of what exactly is wrong with the patient. The other form is nothing more than idiotic and pointless busy work.
In other news, what the hell am I talking about? I swear, I’m not on any drugs, and yet the post above makes me look like I’ve been taking hits from a bong made out of a taxidermied elephant’s head. Simply stunning.
can i pick one from each column?
also, i heard elephant heads add a leathery note to the smoke, which just intensifies the high.
how can the prescription not be more cowbell?!
That whole post was just the fever talking. He’s sick and overworked.
What, they didn’t put you on that new antibiotic Morcowbellzin?
Was the form touch screen?
Damn, sock-staining diarrhea! I hope I never get that. Sometimes my socks are on the floor across the room.
I always the thought that the Donkey Punch was kind of a suprise present. I never knew it was negotiable.
I think they just give you those forms to see if you crack under the pressure. They have a nice white jacket that supports your arms in an impossible to move position without causing any pain sitting in the office under the desk for the people who do in fact crack under the pressure. It’s all an evaluation of your mental health.
I just wanted you to know that your suggestions will not go unheeded. I am currently pursuing a degree that will lead to a glorious career of paper-pushing in the field of healthcare, and I will make sure your suggestions are passed along to the appropriate entities.
Also, I appreciate how you called non-voters “retards.” Not because I care whether people vote, but because I say “that’s retarded” all the time, and people give me dirty looks. They say “that’s socially insensitive,” I say “hells yeah, bring back the old school slang.”
I’m really afraid to ask, but I’m going to anyway - what’s donkey punching?
Bekah, let the great internets explain!
Sweet Jesus… the things I learn from this blog scare the hell out of me.