1) I was over at Mokie’s house for Halloween because last year we had a grand total of about 15 kids show up at our house. Word on the street at Mokie’s was that children are bused in from all areas of the nation, as well as flown in from outside nations, in order to do some candy grubbing in Mokie’s neighborhood. Accordingly, Mokie prepared himself with 3 types of candy. Candy type one was shitty Tootsie rolls and blow pops. Candy type two was Starburst and Skittles. Candy type three was whole candy bars. Candy type three was reserved for the cutest and polite kids. I also prepared a huge “vunderbaag” full of all three candy groups and gave it to a cute little Spiderman who said Trick or Treat, please, and thank you. His father shook my hand, probably because he knew he could now go home.
I’m digressing. A little girl came to the door with her mother dressed like a princess so I got down the candy bars. The mother exclaimed, “Wow! You must be new to this neighborhood if you think a few candy bars will last you all night.” To which I replied, “Oh, we’ve got bowls full of crappy candy for the other kids. We only give out candy bars to the cute ones.” The mother smiled and took the hand of her daughter to depart when Mokie leaned into the foyer and yelled, “Yeah, only for the cute, young ones,” in a tone lecherous enough to slightly widen the eyes of the mother before she tucked her daughter under her arm and bolted. Way to go Mokie. Now you live in the pedophile house.
2) My cousin brought over her son and daughter, and her son, Justin, was chewing on a giant Tootsie Roll when he said, “Ow! There’s something hard in this Tootsie Roll!” Imagining the horror stories of razor blades and needles I ran over to him as he was pulling the gooey mass of chocolate-esque candy out of his mouth; I could see clearly that there was a foreign object lodged in the globule of saliva and fudgieness, and my fears were relieved when my cousin exclaimed, “Hey, that’s my tooth!” So for all you parents of children in the tooth-losing age-group, apparently Tootsie Rolls are a painless and expedient tooth-pulling solution.
3) Douchebag of the evening title would have gone to all the fat little piggies who greedily grabbed handfuls of candy as opposed to politely taking one or two candies had Carla McCadden, Financial Center Manager 1, at Branch Banking and Trust Co., not handed out mortgage information to children. Seriously? You thought this was a good idea Carla? Giving out your information to little kids who were more than happy to give it to their cousin who blogs? Carla, Carla, Carla. I could be the type of psychotic bastard who shows up at your office at 919 Frederick Road, Catonsville, MD 21228 and stares at you all day long. Or I could be the type of weirdo who calls you at 410 719 7502 just to hear you breathe. Or the type of jerk who faxes you timeshare information to 410 788 7259.
Worst of all, your email could be spammed by placing it on the Internet, like this: cmccadden@bbandt.com
Maybe next time you’ll think, “Wow, it would be really unreasonable for me to sully up a perfectly good holiday by distributing my business cards to children. I guess I’ll cancel that order of wrapping paper made out of my business cards. I never realized what I soulless corporate douchebag I was up until this very moment.”
I just vomited a little in my mouth. I fired off an email to Bitchface McCadden within two seconds of reading this post. I really hope I’m not the only one.
I think the only thing that could remedy this situation is her immediate termination. I feel like I need to take a bath after reading about that act of blatant douche-baggery.
I’ll bet that dingbat has a MySpace page where she wanders MySpace spamming to be your friend.
heehee, yeah, this is going to be fun… thanks for providing a little entertainment on an otherwise drudgerous wednseday… ;-D
Have you invited her to join the ACW community yet?
Maybe you should flash mob her at 919 Fredrick Road.
wtf? that happened to us a couple years ago too-except in this case, the proud realtor mom was standing in the street while her kids tried to give US her brochure after getting the candy. wtf?
I think what you need to do in that case is bribe the kids to get all the brochures, then hold them up and burn them while the realtor mom watches in horror.
Well, I DID buy my first large home at age seven, so I’m sure someone out there like me did appreciate her cards. But otherwise, douchebag.
If you put mailto: tags around that e-mail address, you’ll at least get twice as many spam spiders indexing it as a link.
This is pathetic. She responded back to me…
McCadden, Carla (CMcCadden@BBandT.com)
To: Lacey (xxxxx@hotmail.com)
Subject: RE: Trick or Treat?
Ms. xxxx,
I’m sorry if my offering offended you. I was simply giving out leftoverHalloween candy that was provided to me by the bank so that it didn’t goto waste. The bags were already made up and ready to be handed out.Most of them had more candy inside then kids would have gottenotherwise. I did not take the time to remove the business cards fromthe inside simply because I did not have the time, nor did I think thatanyone would be offended by receiving prepared bags with candy simplybecause they contained a business card. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, however, my offering wasneither malicious nor mal-intended. The volume of children in theneighborhood necessarily incurs a significant expense for candy. Isaved a few dollars as well as was able to treat more children by usingleftover prepared bags. I actually had other individuals give their business cards to me duringthe course of the evening and most seemed to realize that it was all ingood fun. I am sorry if you were unable to see it for what it was.
Carla McCadden
Sugar Daddies (do they still make those?) also make great, painless tooth extraction devices.
that lady is a douche.
maybe next year you guys won’t need so much candy thanks to mokie’s antics.
and children are nomadic here on halloween, because everyone knows certain areas have better candy than other is los angeles. also, less gunfire.
Rob- thanks for the tip!
I think Carla can safely be added to the “bad Halloween treat” list:
1) Popcorn balls.
2) Pencils.
3) Pennies.
4) Business cards.
That’s so weird. I would NEVER think, “Oh yeah, I’ll use the mortgage company I learned about while trick or treating!”
Jeeee-bus. Not only is she a cheap-ass re-gifter, she can’t write a decent email. And she can’t afford multiple bags of candy while living in the neighborhood where children are flown in from all over the world in order to partake of the Halloween goodness? Yeah, right. Cheap-ass re-gifter.
Business cards? Everyone knows that cigarettes and smack make the best Halloween treats.
i loved popcorn balls! it’s sad we can’t accept those anymore because of creepy lechers like mokie.
I miss going trick or treating.
Maybe if you were looking for a haunted house to purchase you’d think of the mortgage lady from halloween trick or treating. That might have been the market she was going for.