In March of this year I qualified for a new cellulating automophone so we went to the Verizon store near our house (on Valentine’s day, no less) and got me a 40 dollar phone and a 30 dollar rebate. Ten bucks for a phone ain’t bad. It’s as cheap as an indiscriminate sex act in the District, and it won’t give you herpes. Plus, you can’t send text messages on a hooker. I mean, I guess you could pay 10 bucks to write, “LOL OMFG ROFLMAO 666 SATAN MURDER HOTDOG” on her ass and then pay another 5 bucks to have her go over to your friend’s house and show your friend her ass, but that’s way too much work, and it only costs 10 cents on my phone.
Anyway, I sent in the rebate the next day and completely forgot about it until I got a postcard in the mail from rebateshq.com that I had “submitted the maximum number of rebate claims per household”. So I called up those fuckers and asked to know what the problem was. So to search for my information they asked for my phone number. I gave it to them, they found my rebate and said they had no idea what the problem was. They said they would resubmit it and I could check the status online in 7 to 10 business days. That was March 22.
April 6
Me: [after calling the same number as last time and having no option to talk to an operator I just mashed buttons until someone answered] Hi, I wanted to talk to someone about my rebate status.
Them: Okay, we’ll look it up. What’s the serial code?
Me: Serial code? All they needed last time was my phone number.
Them: No, we can’t look anything up by phone number.
Me: Oooookaaaaay. Here’s the serial code….
Them: Thanks…. Okay, well there seems to be some sort of problem with your rebate. I’ll submit it. Check online in 7 to 10 business days. -click-
Me: Sons of bitches!
May 23
Me: [more button mashing] Hello. I need you to get me my rebate.
Them: Okay. What’s your address?
Me: What the hell? My address? You don’t need my phone number or serial code or something?
Them: No sir. We can’t look up anything by your phone number, and I have no idea what a serial code is.
Me: Fine, whatever. Here’s my address…
Them: Thank you. Okay. There’s nothing in the system under that address.
Me: Okay. Can you search by my name or something?
Them: Maybe.
Me: Okay, it should be under Bertram Farnswoggle.
Them: Yeah, it’s not in here. Let me transfer you to my manager.
Me: [thinking] Fucking finally.
Them: Okay sir I’d be happy to help you. Phone number please.
Me: I was just told you can’t search by phone number.
Them: Well, you must be mistaken, it’s the only way we can search for anything.
Me: [sigh] …
Them: Thank you. Okay, there seems to be something wrong with your refund, I’ll submit it for processing. Check our website in 7 to 10 days. -click-
Me: Motherfuckers!
June 7
Me: [button mashing] Hi. Can I talk to your manager.
Them: Hold on.
Me: Hi. I want my refund.
Them: Okay. What’s your social security number?
Me: You’ve got to be joking.
Them: No sir, it’s the only way we can look up your refund.
Me: Well, you’ve bungled my refund since February, that was five months ago, there’s no way I’m giving you my social security number. You’ll have to use another way to look up my info.
Them: Well, I guess I could use your phone number.
Me: Okay, fine, whatever…
Them: Well, there’s nothing in here for that account.
Me: What?
Them: Your refund has been deleted because you don’t qualify.
Me: What? How would I not qualify?
Them: Because you applied for the refund twice.
Me: How am I supposed to apply for the refund twice? I had to cut the top off of the box that my phone came in to send it to you. I never got ANY refund. I want the refund I applied for. Now.
Them: Okay, we’ll have to submit this to Special Claims then.
Me: Great. Whatever. Can you transfer me to them?
Them: No.
Me: Why not?
Them: Because we don’t have phone numbers for them. They work somewhere else. It’s all computer generated.
Me: This is insane.
Them: Check our website in 7 to 10 business days for your refund status. -click-
Me: Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Shit!
August 21
Me: [button mashing] I want my refund. Now.
Them: Okay, I just need to look up your account. I can use your phone number, address, serial code, or name and zipcode.
Me: [flabbergasted] Uh, okay. Here’s my phone number.
Them: Alright sir, I’m just reviewing your account, hold on one second.
Me: Okay… thanks.
Them: Well, I have no idea what’s going on here. It looks like your account should have been processed in March. I’m going to call Special Claims right now, please hold.
Me: Okay. Thanks!
Them: [a minute later] Okay, Special Claims will process your rebate today. You should get your check in 6 to 8 weeks, I’m sorry for any inconvineince. You can check your status online in 7 to 10 business days…
Me: Wait! Don’t hang up!
Them: I wasn’t going to hang up sir, I wanted to ask you if you had any more questions or if there was anything else I could do.
Me: Um, I think that’s it actually.
Them: Okay. Well, call back and ask for Robin if you have any more trouble.
Me: Thank you!
So today I finally got my rebate check, and I’m going to take it to the bank during my lunch break. I’m almost positive that the check is going to bounce, but there’s a tiny little piece of hope inside of me that has yet to be violated by those fuckers at rebateshq.com, so we’ll see if I finally get my 30 fucking dollars, or if my love of mankind becomes a stinking balck void from which no light can escape.
What? I bought a phone on Valentine’s day in March? Why yes, I am an idiot.
Yeah…I was gonna ask you about that…
(But, I don’t think you’re an idiot, per se)
how is it you didn’t get the word “masturbate”: in your title? disappointed :(
It could have been St. Patrick’s Day and you were incredibly drunk when you got the phone. And when you wrote this post you were also incredibly drunk, therefore releasing the toxic avenger in your mind that would allow you to be an idiot.
Sounds like when I tried to get my insurance company to pre-approve a colonoscopy, except the payoff for me was getting a tube shoved up my ass.
By the way, do you think Robin is hot? Once I had a secretary named Robin who I slept with. I think she got special training in Thailand or something. Anyway, thanks for reminding me of her.
Rebates are the preferred sale offering because studies show that people generally cannot be arsed to go through what you did and either never follow up, or don’t even submit in the first place. Companies make more $ on them then they actually lose. go figure…
Those whoremongers did the same damn thing to me, pricks. Except they got to the point that they were using my mother’s maiden name. Turbo-sluts.
In the meantime, I hope this message gets to you allright—-I scrawled it on a hooker and sent her to the library to type it in to the computer. Later!
p.s. that dude that paid me off was a douche.
I’ve had almost these exact same conversations with this company - TWICE - for two different rebates on items I purchased at Best Buy. One they screwed me out of completely, the other one I went to our local TV station that has a kind of consumer advocate guy who contacts companies who are doing this sort of stuff, and eventually they paid me.
Never, ever, in my life will I buy something that has a rebate coupon (unless I’m going to buy it anyway regardless of what the rebate would be) because they NEVER F&&KING PAY UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Can you tell I’m a bit agitated just remembering these incidents? I can just imagine how you’re feeling about it all right now).
This is awesome. I’ve been in your shoes before…hell many people have -rebates are scams. SCAMS I SAY!
ACW- Yes, you’re an idiot.
Jules- Nah, I’m an idiot. It’s okay.
j$- i didn’t even think of it. I’m slipping.
Zakkajj- Knowing me, that’s a completely plausible scenario.
CBC- Robin actually sounded pretty old. And ugly. And a dude.
Lori- I know. I used to take the time to fill them out. Now? Never again. I won’t buy a product with a rebate.
andy- I swear I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with them. I think they do it on purpose.
Evil G- Thirty bucks was just enough to make me hold out for my cash.
BD- I’m forever off of rebates. Forever.
rebates always surprise me. i forget, and then i get some random check and buy blow with it.
I feel your pain dude..but hey! At least you got to see Clapton and Robert Cray all in one night. That’s pretty awesome.
Button mashing is the only way to ever get to speak with a real person. Like just the other day I tried to call to get my account canelled with “What’s in your fucking wallet” and there was no option to speak with anyone. I guess once it’s in your wallet they don’t give a shit about service. Anyway, I had to mash the buttons for a while until I got to talk to someone, then they tried to tell me that the card was the best thing on my credit record since it was so old. Bah, screw them and thier $800 limit.
P.S. I can’t spell and work blocks JavaScript. So, yeah I probably spelled some stuff wrong. And grammar too, I suck at that too.
holy shit-i have resubmitted the same set of papers for rebates on our 2 phones 4 times now. oddly enough YESTERFUCKINDAY i got one of our 2 checks. (i got the phones in nov 1 of last year). i went back to the website–it seems that documents that will work for phone A are not good enough for phone B… and here i thought it was just me.
I just sent in a Cingular rebate last week. What do you think the chances are that I’ll get my 70 bucks - oh sorry, I mean my lame Cingular rebate card valid wherever visa is accepted…..??
Well Mr. Farnswoggle, it appears you were almost bamboozled out of your $30.00 Good on you for persisting, fighting the good fight, hurling feces… etc.
Kudos to you for following through with the rebate. I always get suckered in with the $30 mail in rebate and then lose my receipt or fail to answer the skill-testing question or whatever. It would have been way too much effort for me.
As for the customer service aspect of it all…I feel for ya. I really do. Last night I was on the phone for an hour and a half with my internet provider being passed around to six different people.
It’s not so much the button mashing that gets my knickers in a knot, but the automated conversations that you can have.
ME: “Technical Support”
Robot: “I think you said Cell Phone Services.”
Bah!
Well, enough rambling. I like your blog.
Slate has a really good article about the whole rebate scam thing.
You may also want to check out Consumeraffairs.com’s version of the story.
Rebates are just a huge scam. I would have kept drilling them about that rebate though…It’s not the 30 dollars, that’s not the point. It’s getting what you were supposed to be given that is the point.
I’m waiting on a rebate from Cingular and I am prepared to do as much button mashing as it takes for the “we don’t drop any calls” fuckers to send me the money. MASH! MASH! MASH!
Kendra, et al- Wow. We’re clearly all in agreement that rebates are a huge, horrible scam.