Archive for October, 2006

Happy Satan’s Birthday!

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Anonymous Coworker
on October 31, 2006 @ 9:15 am
in devil cat and jesus is fo' shizzle
. 6 Comments

Today people celebrate a holiday older than Christmas, and just as holy, and yet a whole bunch of non-secular conservative elitists want to ban this holiday. They want to take the Hell out of Halloween! Well, I for one won’t take it anymore. I’m going to forcibly interject my values and beliefs into every conversation I hear about the topic of Halloween. Yes, this may take every single last bit of fun out of the holiday, but it’s not even a real holiday when Satan isn’t involved in it.

Don’t let those anti-satanic America haters at your local church try to stop your Halloween celebration. You know they’re just going to call the ACLU and say we’re stamping all over their rights. Isn’t that always the way? You just know they turn to the ACLU any time they have any problems. All we want to do is force stores and schools to stop calling it a “Fall Holiday” and instead call it “Halloween”. We all know about how for years those PC fat cats have been telling each other to say things like “Trick or treat” instead of “Happy Halloween” and it’s because they want to slight our holiday. They don’t care about the religious nature, or the LONG history it has. They only care about forcing other people to accept their beliefs and the stark commercialism it espouses. Well I’ve had enough.

Today I’m going to say Happy Halloween, and I’m not going to feel bad about it. It’s other people people who should feel bad.

sherlock and wookie halloween

Anonymous Coworker… revealed!

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Anonymous Coworker
on October 30, 2006 @ 8:50 am
in i am so fucking awesome
. 17 Comments

This is such a relief! Here I was, questioning my masculinity, when all of a sudden this website tells me that I look like a bunch of women, albeit attractive women, women none the less.

“But,” you say to your computer because you’re crazy and you think I can hear you, “what about that guy in black and white? You apparently look like him with some sort of rating of greater than 70%! No, not Moby. That greasy Italian dego with the wop-ish look on his face at the top.”

Ah, you mean that Man’s man Giacomo Puccini, composer of Madame Butterfly and La boheme. I can almost feel the testosterone leaving my body.

What do you think people who have met me? Do I look like any of these people?

Thank goodness for Darth

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Anonymous Coworker
on October 27, 2006 @ 10:07 am
in movies and sex
. 34 Comments

Darth asks: What about a list of actors that keeps you away from the theater, regardless of the interesting story, effects, explosions, or naked women?

This makes my life so much easier. I don’t even have to think of anything to write when I have friends like Darth who can focus my vastly important opinions into easily digestible blog posts. However, this is quite a doozy of a question.

For example, I could easily say that I wouldn’t want to see Tom Cruise in a movie because he’s a Scientologist douchebag who can’t really act except to be overly happy or withdrawn and pensive, but I still like to rot my brain from time to time with movies like Mission Impossible. In fact, I thought Collateral was quite good.

Then there’s people like Mel Gibson. I was tired of his overwrought self-torturing shtick back when he was doing the Lethal Weapon thing. Good grief did those movies suck. “Ha ha ha, I’m a crazy cop who can dislocate his shoulder for yucks AND to save the day. Bet you didn’t see that coming!” I can’t really think of a single Mel Gibson movie that I’ve actually liked. Yes, even Braveheart.

The same goes for Richard Gere. I should have kicked him to the curb permanently after Dr. T and the Women, but for some reason I watched The Mothman Prophecies, which also sucked. I mean, he’s a Buddhist, so that’s kind of cool. But he’s also a gerbil jammer. And that’s not cool.

Um, let’s see, who else? Oh! I’ll never see a teen dancing/urban youth type movie. You Got Served, You’ve Been Served Again, Don’t Forget That You Were Served A Third Time, Hey Who’s Doing All The Serving?, Where Can I Get Served Around Here?, or any of the other spinoff/clones are officially unwatchable to me. I really want to punch the faces of the youths that buy tickets for these movies. I realize that you buy a ticket for that, then go in and make out the whole time. Try this instead. Buy a ticket to a good movie, then sneak into the most recent high-school targeted crapfest and make out there. Then we wouldn’t be wondering how the hell Black Guy Dances With White Girl: Audience Learns Lessons on Race and Rhythm Part 5 makes 50 million dollars in the opening weekend. And seriously, if you’re going to see these movies and you’re NOT a high schooler looking to “lay pie to that ass”, stop. No, shut up. I don’t care. Just stop.

What about you? Who won’t you watch?

A review of The Prestige

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Anonymous Coworker
on October 26, 2006 @ 9:30 am
in i am so fucking awesome and movies
. 21 Comments

Don’t worry, I won’t reveal any spoilers the magician did it. Ha! Did you see what I did there? I just put two sentence fragments together and because you’re a slave to the standards and practices of reading English from left to right and only stopping once you see a period I was able to dupe you with a brilliant ruse! You should see the look on your face right now. It’s hilarious. You are no match for my immense and exponentially more powerful brain. What a bunch of rubes! You just got pwned.

Anyway, anyone who knows anything about the movie The Prestige knows that it’s full of magicians and that I didn’t really give anything away up there. In fact, one of the best spoilers that I can think of, which isn’t even really a spoiler, is the fact that David Bowie plays Nikola Tesla! How fucking super-badass is that? Pretty super-fucking badass. Really pretty fucking super-fucking badass. I mean, David Bowie has to be looking at his resume going, “Yeah, okay, I’ve been a Warlock, I’ve been Pontius Pilate, I’m Ziggy Stardust, and I’ve appeared as myself dozens of times including Zoolander, Letterman, Conan O’Brien, and many others. What could I do to round out my work? I’ve got it! I’ll play Nikola Tesla in The Prestige.”

Speaking of which, that was the weirdest plot device in the damn movie. I’m still trying to figure why, exactly, the writers chose Tesla. They could have created any sort of fictional character to serve the same function, but instead they picked Tesla. And to have Bowie play him: it’s bizarre.

Which brings me to my next point (”Point?” you say to yourself, “Has he ever had a point? I thought it was all just the ramblings of lunatic chimpanzee with a genetically modified brain chained to a computer and kept alive with bananas laced with Reese’s Pieces and NyQuil.”), I will go to see the schlockiest piece of dreck that’s ever been made if specific actors are involved with the movie. Those actors include:

David Bowie
Steve Buscemi
Christopher Walken
Eddie Izzard
Jason Statham
Vinnie Jones
Kevin Smith
[ed. note from mokiejovis: I altered this list slightly to give one of the actors the attention he deserves]

There might be more, but I can’t think of them right now. Anyway, on to the review of The Prestige. It’s two hours long but it feels like four. I figured out the “twist” about halfway through, my wife’s sister figured it about about 20 minutes in. The denouement, or “explanation” as it’s come to be used in modern cinema for the dumb-dumbs among us, lasts for about 40 minutes. It was clear to all but those who died during the showing of the film what was going on, and yet it took forever for the director to wrap it up. But at least Bowie’s in it.

UPDATE: Jeezy creezy! How did I forget Bruce “Don’t Call Me Ash” muhfuhn Campbell? I’d watch him paint a wall.

2,000 words plus or minus 500 words.

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on October 25, 2006 @ 8:12 am
in atheism!, devil cat, potty humor and suhmuhmuh bitch
. 10 Comments

glowing pumpkins

These are the first two Jack O’ Lanterns I’ve made this year. On the left I was going for a Boo from Super Mario 3, and on the right I was going for Jason Voorhees. Jason takes about 30 seconds and two drill bits. Carving pumpkins is one of my favorite things to do during Halloween, and I have more ideas for pumpkins, so I think I’ll probably end up buying at least one more pumpkin to carve. How else am I supposed to glorify Satan on his birthday? You Catholics do nothing but complain when I murder your babies and deflower your virgins. Stop trying to take the “Hell” out of Halloween! This is a war on Halloween!

Disgusting floor

Mrs. ACW and I put in laminate flooring this past weekend (and when I say Mrs. ACW, I mean my brothers and my dad, and Mrs. ACW pretty much just stood around), but before we did, we had to tear up the old carpet. The impetus for the install was the reeking odor of cat pee in one corner. The cat of the previous owner apparently liked to use that corner (and every other corner, we found out once we pulled up the carpet) to relieve itself. It didn’t help that our cats wouldn’t stop scratching at it and stirring up the aroma. Once we got down to the plywood we found out that not only had the cat peed in that corner, but the horrible beast had vacated its bladder with the timing and frequency (not to mention volume) of Old Faithful. We estimated that there was about an eighth of an inch of dried urine in the corner. Considering how much the carpet and carpet padding must have absorbed, not to mention the how much liquid the plywood itself must have had to absorb before the urine could simply stand, set, and powderize, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the lady that lived here put her cat on a catheter that emptied into that spot alone.

At one point we had to trim back the floor in a few places after we had torn it up, and we were using a Sawzaw and Dremel to do the detail work. Let me just tell you that there is no other scent like a piece of plywood soaked with years of cat urine being friction heated and expelled into the air as a fine particulate. It’s like a punch in the god damned face.

Twelve hours later cat-pee corner was gone and we had new laminate flooring. And so help me, if I catch either one of those cats pissing anywhere on my new floor, I’m going to shove my foot up their asses and wear those little shits as slippers.

If you’re still around

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on October 24, 2006 @ 12:35 pm
in nog and uncategorized
. 6 Comments

Work has calmed down somewhat. For a few days there it seemed like the hiatus might go on for weeks, if not months. I wasn’t happy about that, but some shit needed to be settled, and it wouldn’t have been smart for me to give myself an outlet through blogging. Rather than go into any sort of detail about all of this that could potentially get me fired, let’s just say that someone was stirring up trouble, and trouble they got, and now we have to sort it all out. It’ll be a long, tedious, and irritating process, and until it’s all over, I probably won’t be blogging consistently. At least I’m not as pissed off now as I was before.

A few more deadlines from now I’ll probably be slamming back eggnog related products, eating my weight in stuffing, helping the other foot-soldiers in the war on Christmas erase all traces of Jesus from the holiday, and blogging each and every moment of it.

Uggh.

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on October 19, 2006 @ 11:23 am
in suhmuhmuh bitch and work
. Closed

My worklife pretty much fucking sucks right now. Consider this a hiatus. is getting better.

Too many meetings

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on October 18, 2006 @ 8:52 am
in suhmuhmuh bitch and work
. 13 Comments

Today I have six and a half hours of back to back meetings. I even have a meeting during lunch.

Feh.

Free Fings

Published
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Anonymous Coworker
on October 17, 2006 @ 10:15 am
in bitches, meta blogging and money
. 15 Comments

1) The other day I found a license plate in the street. I picked it up so I could return it to the MVA. I was hoping they’d make me go through some sort of bureaucratic nightmare to do so, but they were remarkably friendly and expedient. You can blame the MVA’s efficiency for this lack of content.

2) Last night we got an in-home quote from Empire Today about getting laminate floors in our living room. The salesman wrapped up pretty quickly after he saw his $3,000 figure for a rectangular room of 254.375 square feet make our eyes pop out of our heads. Home Depot will do it for a grand. Lowes will do it for $800. Unless Empire is massaging my balls while they install the new floors and cram hundred dollar bills up my ass, there’s no way I’m paying $3,000. Competitive pricing my ass.

3) This morning I was consciously making myself stupider by watching the Today show. I don’t know why I do it. I guess it’s just too depressing to eat a bowl of cereal in the dark. Anyway, they were talking about this douchebag douchebagging it up in douchetastic video that raises his doucheitude to previously un-douche’d levels. Take a moment to check it out.

After they were done poking fun at the kid they put up some of Matt “King of All Douchebags” Lauer’s early reporting. Ha ha ha- Matt is milking a cow! Ha ha ha- Matt gets hit in the head with a racquetball! What mirth! What unbridled hilarity!

I’m pretty sure everyone except Roker was laughing (probably because Roker was drowning himself in blow and hookers to forget he was on such a terrible show with such wastes of humanity) when one of the female hosts asks, “What’s the number for You Tube? They’ve got to see this!”

What’s the number for You Tube?! Ann, you ignorant slut, have you not heard of the Internet? I hate morning talk shows so much. So very much.

I can’t imagine what she would have said about Reagan

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Anonymous Coworker
on October 16, 2006 @ 9:42 am
in uncategorized
. 22 Comments

Last Wednesday night my grandmother fell out of bed, possibly caused by a stroke, and was stuck on the floor, unable to move, until Friday at 5 pm. 41 hours without food or water, screaming herself hoarse for help.

She lives in an apartment complex for senior citizens and she’s really active. When we call her and can’t get in touch with her, it’s usually because she’s out with her friends doing something. She’s not the type of old lady you can just drop in on. Her social calendar is booked, and you’d best make an appointment if you want any time with her. So when my family members called her and she didn’t answer, they figured she was out with the gals.

Luckily her neighbor noticed that she hadn’t seen or heard my grandmother go in or out for a couple of days, so she used a spare key to get into my grandmother’s apartment, saw her laying there and called 911.

We saw her in the hospital Saturday morning and she was awake, but kind of out of it. She kept talking about how the manager of the apartment complex was forcing her to stay in the trash room while they repainted her apartment, and when she tried to go back in to her apartment she got in a fight with the manager. When I asked her on Saturday when this had happened she said, “Oh, this was just yesterday!”

Then she started talking about how three little girls had come to her door collecting money for the fire department, and she asked the girls to hand her her purse so she could give them some money, but instead the girls just took the money out of her purse. Apparently they took about $126 dollars. Again I asked my grandmother when this happened and she said, “This morning!”

I’m pretty sure that dehydration and malnourishment, combined with my grandmother being diabetic and not getting her insulin, as well as possibly having a stroke, can lead to hallucinations like these. I guess the question is whether she’ll ever be able to distinguish between what actually happened and what happened in her mind.

While she was telling us about everything a nurse can in to administer a test to make sure she wasn’t still having a stoke (I think) and the nurse started asking simple questions.

Nurse: Where are you?
Grandmother: In bed.
(we laugh)
Nurse: Okay. You’re right. But where is the bed?
Grandmother: … … … In my room.
Nurse: Look around. Is this your room?
Grandmother: … (long pause, looking around) … … No, it’s not my normal room.
Nurse: Where are you?
Grandmother: … … … In the hospital.
Nurse: Good. What month is it?
Grandmother: … … … (looking around, thinking, closing eyes) … October.
Nurse: Good. What year is it?
Grandmother: (closes eyes, rubs temples, looks around, thinks)… … … oh six.
Nurse: Good. Who is the president?
Grandmother: That damn Bush!

Which proves that she’s in there somewhere, my regular grandmother who is constantly cracking wise, the only question is if we’ll ever get to see her again soon.

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