Bliss had this great idea for people to post in “his style” given an image he put up. As a regular reader, I thought it would be easy, but I think it’s easy to tell that my style was dominant in my attempt to mimic him.
So I thought it would be hilarious for other folks to ape my style and to see what I get. I imagine it’ll be all zombies, necrophilia, farts, poop, bitching, and such. But who knows?!
Here’s your task if you feel like participating. Write a quick post about how I would respond blog about a coworker burning their bag of popcorn in the microwave in the lunch room. You can post in comments, or on your own blog and send me a link, or you can email me. Best one wins SOMETHING RANDOM FROM ONE OF MY TWO SHEDS!!1!!1!!eleven!!!
Are you looking for what you’d say to her, or what your blog post would be afterwards?
What my blog post would say afterwards.
My submission:
Hey fuckstain, thanks for burning up your popcorn in the lunch room. No really, I love smell of burnt sphincter as it slowly makes it way down to my cubicle. And I’m sure you absolutely had to have popcorn, after all it’s been two whole hours since your fat smelly ass pushed the limits of the “all-you-can-eat” buffet at Horsemeat China garden. The grease stains on your 50-inch-waist pants were getting lonely, I understand.
Fuck is wrong with you? The goddamn microwave has a fucking popcorn setting yet your goat-humping, hillbilly ass still managed to fuck it up! Maybe you should stick to simple stuff. We all know you have the dish of peanut M&M’s in your cube which needs filling up every week despite the fact no one can tolerate that mysterious nacho cheese odor that emanates from your torso. Besides, you get winded walking down the hallway as your lungs have to work hard to expand with your 75-pound mantits weighing them down. Stay in your fucking cube so the company can contain gassy, incompetent, fat posterior for the sake of those of us who use soap, you goddamn fire hazard!
I could never, ever top Antonio’s submission. That was awesome. He even said “goat-humping”! That alone makes it an ACW-ish post.
Fuggin contest is over.
Nice job Antoinio.
Antonio’s is good, but there is certainly room for other contenders to take a stab at it.
I vote for Antonio too, although my vote actually counts for shit - just like my vote in the pesidential election, thank you very much electoral college representatives who may or may not vote the way of the people.
Shit.
I think if Antonio would guest-blog, we’d probably never know the difference.
I think Antonio says, “fuck” a lot. Almost too much really. I’m not crazy about that word. I’d compete, but right now, I’m just too fuckin’ tired.
my quickie:
“hey you uncategorized work money, the zombies’ horror about your necrophilia bitches jokes certainly contests potty humor. nerd stuff at happy hour? word nerd? i was meta blogging Mrs. ACW with beer at the movies, and your games with the devil cat is a suhmuhmuh bitch! travel if jesus is fo’ shizzle per your atheism! food music is art. sex?”
Antonio’s is good. A little over the top, I’d say, but certainly better than I could do.
I love the “eleven” in your leet.
And your real name wouldn’t by any chance be “Arthur Jackson”, would it? (Please, someone get that.)
There is no one….NO ONE who could measure up to the shit you pull outta your head. Thank goodness.
Antonio scared a little pee outta me.
cbk: arthur “two sheds” jackson???
j$- sublime!
I’ve got nuthin’. Fuck.
Thanks, Johnny Dollar. My faith in humanity is (temporarily) restored. I was so pleased when “Two Sheds” made it into this hilarious Spamusement cartoon.
No, thanks. Last time I “won” one of your contests, all I got was a dose of the clap.
Wow, didn’t expect my submission to deter everyone. I’m glad people like it. :-D
Dear Burning Bag of Popcorn Asshat,
Despite the Mexican instructions on the popcorn bag, I thought most of the non-retard world was quite aware of the microwave procedures. For your edification, sorry learntation (that is edification in retardese), I will help you.
1.) Do not slobber on bag prior to cooking.
2,) Take the plastic off bag without slobbering
3.) Place bag in microwave. Wipe up any stray slobber mouth breather.
4.) Turn microwave on. DO NOT WALK AWAY. Do not prepare any other treats. Do not go to the head for your post lunch half hour shat. Just stay by the microwave. Hopefully the result twofold: a HOT bag of non-burnt popcorn AND sterilization. P.S. Don’t slobber on microwave.
5.) At the sound of the ding, slobber away. But please do so in the privacy of your own basement cell.
How did the new guy do?
Mr. Friendly- Not bad!
To Whom It May Concern:
Please note that the lunchroom is a common area shared by all employees in this office. As such, any food items you may cook (or overcook) affects the air quality and overall symbiotic environment in which we are all required to work. Therefore, I ask that you PLEASE make a special effort to refrain from cooking highly pungent food items or burning food items (such as popcorn).
Thank you for your consideration.
P.S. By the way, this also applies to the setting on fire of diseased, maggot-infested corpses, extinguishing them with an arc of your own piss, and then snacking on the charred remains - something Bob apparently did only a few moments ago. Let’s all try to offer him some friendly reminders.